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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have called this man ‘my friend’?

47 replies

SpaghettiBeaver · 27/12/2023 17:01

We’ve been ‘dating’ I guess, for a year, spend every other weekend in each others house, he’s recently met my children a few times casually. Spend a lot of time with each other friends, and have spoken about the future a bit.

We are in our 30s so I think boyfriend/girlfriend sounds a bit immature?

We don’t live together or share finances or anything that would in my mind qualify us as partners.

He was a bit put out that I introduced him to a work colleague as my friend.

But I honestly don’t know what else to call him?

OP posts:
BlackBean2023 · 27/12/2023 17:02

Yes, that's weird after a year. You could say partner or "other half" if you don't like boyfriend but if my partner/boyfriend of a year introduced me as a friend I would be a bit Confused

TiredOfSayingItAgain · 27/12/2023 17:03

If you only see each other at weekends, he's a friend you happen to have sex with, I think. 😂

Abbimae · 27/12/2023 17:03

Makes it sound like you are in fact not dating?

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 27/12/2023 17:03

I'd be very annoyed in his position, comes across as you don't want people to know you're in a relationship. I'd have said partner, you spend every weekend together as a couple!

Edinburghguy · 27/12/2023 17:04

Boyfriend is totally fine.

GacksonJalaxy · 27/12/2023 17:04

Ouch. I wouldn't like to be introduced as a friend by someone I'd been dating for a year. That just seems like a massive snub.

Zingy123 · 27/12/2023 17:04

YABU. He's more than a friend surely.

Dixiechickonhols · 27/12/2023 17:04

I’d use boyfriend I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.
My elderly mum says ‘friend’ in a certain voice and I think it sounds a bit daft.

NancyJoan · 27/12/2023 17:05

It makes it sound like you don’t want your colleagues to know you are involved. Boyfriend is fine, but if you don’t like it, other half/significant other or similar implies that you are in a relationship. Friend definitely doesn’t.

MistletoeRegrets · 27/12/2023 17:05

There’s nothing immature about the term ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend’. It’s a recognised term that exactly describes a pre-partner type relationship. People can be boyfriend and girlfriend in their nineties!

betterangels · 27/12/2023 17:07

I wouldn't love that in his position. FWB are friends. Men who you introduce to friends and your children are surely more than that.

Legendairy · 27/12/2023 17:07

I wouldn't like that either, friend after a year of dating?!

Thepeopleversuswork · 27/12/2023 17:08

I think "friend" is strangely impersonal and distancing for someone you have been dating for a year and are (presumably) having sex with.

If I were in his position I would infer that you didn't want people to know you were in a relationship. I understand why he's upset.

I don't see what the problem is with boyfriend/girlfriend really. I've been in a relationship with someone for nearly six years who I call my boyfriend: we're in our 50s.

AuntMarch · 27/12/2023 17:08

I wouldn't feel like a girlfriend if I saw someone every other weekend, so I'd not know what to call him either.
(Unless its a conversation you've had between you previously and he's said that is how he sees you)

EmptyYoghurtPot · 27/12/2023 17:10

Friend suggests a ‘mate’ or someone you brought along to make up the numbers.
He is your boyfriend, surely? So why not introduce him as that?

SoOutingWhoCares · 27/12/2023 17:11

I'll never forget witnessing this happen in person with a friend of mine...althought they also shoved their "friend" round the corner out of sight before they were then introduced as "this is my FRIEND". The "friend" was visibly humiliated and those of us who saw it re-evaluted our own friend as being a bit of a twat for doing that to their partner.

You've made it look like you're ashamed to admit you're romantically/sexually linked. It's a shitty thing to do. Good enough to shag and "date", not good enough to call it anything. Horrible.

Elvanseshortage · 27/12/2023 17:11

My DH used to do this before we were married and it used to really piss me off and upset me. I kind of understand why you might think other words don’t describe your relationship (though, IMO there is nothing wrong with the words boyfriend/girlfriend at any age) but a friend is something very different. If you have a sexual/intimate/romantic relationship then it’s disingenuous to claim there is no difference between that and a friendship. Of course it’s different, and you are downgrading your relationship and denying what is ‘special’ about him.

DH used to say he called me his friend (after 5 years of a romantic, living together relationship) because in his language there was nothing between friend and fiancé. I think the real reason is that he is autistic and he just says what he thinks is rational without taking other people’s feelings into account.

HelloOhHell · 27/12/2023 17:13

“Dating” for a year and introduced as a “friend”… I’d just assume it’s a friends with benefits situation.

ilovepuppies2019 · 27/12/2023 17:13

TiredOfSayingItAgain · 27/12/2023 17:03

If you only see each other at weekends, he's a friend you happen to have sex with, I think. 😂

Only if that's all they're doing! There are kids involved so presumably the OP is focusing on her kids during the week and taking her child free opportunities to see her boyfriend / friend / significant other. If they're spending time together then that relationship is as valid as any other. I think it's good to take it slow and prioritise the kids I'd that's best for everyone. It's certainly better than going too fast.

betterangels · 27/12/2023 17:14

You've made it look like you're ashamed to admit you're romantically/sexually linked. It's a shitty thing to do. Good enough to shag and "date", not good enough to call it anything. Horrible.

It's this.

moonshinepoursthroughmywindow · 27/12/2023 17:16

I would say boyfriend in those circumstances, then partner if you move in together.

Tonight1 · 27/12/2023 17:16

Poor bloke!

LegoHeads · 27/12/2023 17:17

If this were the other way round and he'd called you his friend, people would be telling you that you should end the relationship because he's clearly not serious/just sees you as a shag/already married 😂

I'm not surprised he's upset. You should apologise and explain and find a term you're both happy with.

IncompleteSenten · 27/12/2023 17:18

Talk to him. Agree what you should call each other.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 27/12/2023 17:20

I say 'gentleman friend' where the nature of the relationship isn't clear. I know that sounds positivelly Victorian, but there you go.