To ask anyone further down the road than me what is best with ex and dc, should I leave this as it is?

[hunvd]

I have a 15 month old with my ex. The pregnancy was unplanned but we had said when i reached 35 we would ttc (had been together for 7 years). I was pregnant age 34. He said he would support me either way and basically turned into an utter twat. We broke up and he started seeing dc when they were 6 months. So no dad of the year awards..

However, he since 6 months he has mostly seen ds weekly. I moved back to family when we broke up and so we are some distance apart. When he sees ds he does do his bit, if we were in a relationship and it was a typical day I would say I do 60% and he does 40%… so it’s more or less equal. He can’t seem to have ds alone as he worries a lot and says he will eventually but he prefers me around. I’ve not bothered to argue this and know if I wanted a haircut or something he would probably sit with ds or take him for a walk. I just don’t bother as it’s too much hassle.

Anyway. Getting to the point. He’s currently paying me enough to cover nursery (I am part time until next October because I am using holiday allowance) and 300 on top which covers DS’s food nappies etc. No idea if this will continue or what will happen when ds needs full time nursery, I doubt he will pay more.

I am regularly very annoyed that I am having to deal with all the logistics alone. I hate it. I want him to do more but I know it’s far for him to travel and his job is full on so realistically he will likely say no. It just makes me so angry!! I have to rush around and make excuses at work now and then if ds is unwell or if I have to take the car for an mot and have no childcare etc etc. That’s a silly example but there’s just SO MUCH life admin and I often spend for convenience which i wouldn’t have to do if ex was a proper parent. I feel like he should pay me an extra 100 a month just for having to pick up the logistical pieces of everything?

Am I right to be annoyed? Close friend says it wouldn’t be much easier with him around more anyway so just take the money and be glad of it rather than romanticising him being around more and me having more time, because it wouldn’t be like that. But I feel like it would? I do everything and it feels so much, the money doesn’t make it better and I just want him to actually let me have a life again.

Or he could book a cheap air BnB once a fortnight. If the op has a travel cot he could utilise that and be close to her for emergencies but still away and not under her feet in their own space. I would suggest a reduction in maintenance to the 15% rate if you're going to go that route though.

As for this. That was then, in the past. Leave it there. His actions from now going forward are what count and so far he's doing what he can from where he is

I’m a single parent and my children are almost fully grown. Here is my advice-

1. set up your life with your DC in a way that doesn’t rely on ex for anything. Assume the worst of him and you won’t be let down.
2. the money he pays could stop at any point. put it into savings and allocate it for extra things. Holidays /home improvements: stuff that you could do without if you had to.
3. make friends with other mothers. You will probably end up friends with others who don’t have a lot of support. You will discover a strong sisterhood- this sounds cheesy but it exists and it will become your reality. This is who held me up in times of crisis and also just for everyday life.
4. make WhatsApp groups for nursery friends, for people who say they will help, etc etc. Absolute godsend.

Honestly you have got this. It’s relentless but you can rely on yourself.

You need to build up to him having the child every other weekend alone.
So start by him stay at your house for the weekend. Then you start going out. Then you go out overnight. Book a hotel room if you have to. Then you go away for a full weekend leaving him at your house with the kid. Then from there he takes child to his house for a weekend and you’ve pretty much cracked it.
You can’t expect him to do more than EOW because you live too far apart. That was your choice when you moved.
You will start to get alone time but it sounds like you’re going to have to force him to parent alone

He has forced OP to parent alone so that is only fair. Amazing how men don’t see kids as their job when it comes to it.

What arrangements do you think would be best for your DS in the long term, OP?

Contact is for the child, at the heart.