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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask anyone further down the road than me what is best with ex and dc, should I leave this as it is?

31 replies

hunvd · 27/12/2023 13:55

I have a 15 month old with my ex. The pregnancy was unplanned but we had said when i reached 35 we would ttc (had been together for 7 years). I was pregnant age 34. He said he would support me either way and basically turned into an utter twat. We broke up and he started seeing dc when they were 6 months. So no dad of the year awards..

However, he since 6 months he has mostly seen ds weekly. I moved back to family when we broke up and so we are some distance apart. When he sees ds he does do his bit, if we were in a relationship and it was a typical day I would say I do 60% and he does 40%… so it’s more or less equal. He can’t seem to have ds alone as he worries a lot and says he will eventually but he prefers me around. I’ve not bothered to argue this and know if I wanted a haircut or something he would probably sit with ds or take him for a walk. I just don’t bother as it’s too much hassle.

Anyway. Getting to the point. He’s currently paying me enough to cover nursery (I am part time until next October because I am using holiday allowance) and 300 on top which covers DS’s food nappies etc. No idea if this will continue or what will happen when ds needs full time nursery, I doubt he will pay more.

I am regularly very annoyed that I am having to deal with all the logistics alone. I hate it. I want him to do more but I know it’s far for him to travel and his job is full on so realistically he will likely say no. It just makes me so angry!! I have to rush around and make excuses at work now and then if ds is unwell or if I have to take the car for an mot and have no childcare etc etc. That’s a silly example but there’s just SO MUCH life admin and I often spend for convenience which i wouldn’t have to do if ex was a proper parent. I feel like he should pay me an extra 100 a month just for having to pick up the logistical pieces of everything?

Am I right to be annoyed? Close friend says it wouldn’t be much easier with him around more anyway so just take the money and be glad of it rather than romanticising him being around more and me having more time, because it wouldn’t be like that. But I feel like it would? I do everything and it feels so much, the money doesn’t make it better and I just want him to actually let me have a life again.

OP posts:
Original poster
hunvd · 27/12/2023 13:56

When I say romanticising, I don’t mean I want him back. I mean him be involved more practically with ds.

OP posts:
Lostoldusername · 27/12/2023 14:03

You chose to move nearer to family - that's not his fault.
You can't expect him to be around more - it sounds like it's too far away for that and he shouldn't expect to pay extra for your choice to be that far away. I'm a single parent to 2 boys and I don't spend for convenience, I can't! I just be more organised.

I do however, think its daft he won't be with his son on his own - as long as he will be safe and your son knows his Dad then I wouldn't give him the option - drop him with him halfway or something and off you go - book your MOT'S etc in when he is with Dad. Surely that's only a once a year thing anyway?

Original poster
hunvd · 27/12/2023 14:05

@Lostoldusername i had no option but to move really, other than face birth and a newborn alone. He decided he couldn’t support me with that, so I moved.

Yes the mot was a silly example but it’s just the lack of time for anything really. I would prefer less money and him doing his bit.

OP posts:
Lostoldusername · 27/12/2023 14:11

I understand you wanting time to yourself but if you moved closer to family for support then, can't they do just that? You can't move yourself away and still expect the same level of support from him - I'm not saying he shouldn't support, he absolutely should but you moved your DC away from where you both lived.
Or as I say, don't give him the option of being there - hand over DS and off you go. That's probably going to be your best option if you want time to yourself.
Have you actually asked him to have your son more - what is it you think would be practical?

GabriellaMontez · 27/12/2023 14:12

Do you know what he earns? Why don't you go via CMS? Unless he's self employed, in which case they're virtually useless.

As for more involved. It doesn't sound promising if he already won't be on his own with ds. How about asking for some specific half/ full days. In advance. Build up from there.

Original poster
hunvd · 27/12/2023 14:15

@GabriellaMontez he is paying more than cms. It’s about the only decent thing he has done.

@Lostoldusername he has since moved from where we were too so we are far apart now. My family do help every couple of weeks but I can’t rely on them. I moved at the time as I was very scared and alone

OP posts:
Tinkerbyebye · 27/12/2023 14:18

You want him to pay you and extra £100 for dealing with life admin? How exactly would that help with the life admin? You still need to do it.

You chose to move nearer your family, are they helping or not? If not can you move back so your ex could help more?

pits highly unlikely he is going to move hear you when his work etc are where you were, and why should he if you chose to move

perhaps you would be better building up his confidence to havethe chile over night or for weekends?

CaptainThomasPatButtonHall · 27/12/2023 14:18

Legally he only has to pay you 15% of his pre tax income and see the child alternate weekends and shared school holidays as a minimum. If he's doing anything over and above that he's an improvement of most absent parents.

ConsuelaHammock · 27/12/2023 14:18

He’s too far away to help. I’m afraid you’re on your own with this. He’s paying so at least that’s something.

Original poster
hunvd · 27/12/2023 14:20

@Tinkerbyebye he has since moved very far from where we lived too. I have considered overnight but he is only willing to do it in my home, should I try that? He is worried having ds alone. He is a very anxious person.

OP posts:
Original poster
hunvd · 27/12/2023 14:21

@CaptainThomasPatButtonHall i think legally he doesn’t need to see ds at all. I know it’s not as bad as some parents but I still think he’s shit.

OP posts:
itismytime · 27/12/2023 14:22

Hate to break it to you but its called having a child. There is no time for anything unless you make time and you are organised. You have both moved so that's the end of that argument

Ask for more money by all means but what good is that going to do unless your going to use it for another day or 2 of childcare a month

He does need to start having his child on his own that point it fair and you need to tell him he needs to even do you can have a sleep or do some housework not necessarily having your hair done

Maybe it would be easier with him maybe it would be harder who knows all you can do is deal with the situation you are in

Original poster
hunvd · 27/12/2023 14:23

@itismytime thanks. Think I just feel like it’s all on me all the time. But you’re right, probably similar even if he was more involved

OP posts:
Original poster
hunvd · 27/12/2023 14:24

@itismytime and yes a day of childcare paid for would make me feel it was more fair.

OP posts:
OhmygodDont · 27/12/2023 14:28

It’s hard but honestly he sounds like his doing what he can apart form say living around the corner, but you’ve both moved from where you where together. His paying above which is great. He comes and visits, his admitting his flaws in that he doesn’t feel comfortable doing overnights lone at his house miles away but if willing to come and do it at yours. Presumably Till he gets used to it and it still give you a break.

some parents so actually do a thing where basically the child never moves houses the parents move between the child’s home it has a name but I don’t remember it, works for some people anywho so the odd weekend or night if you’ve got something else to be or to go to could work nicely for you.

Plus again technically the more he has baby overnight technically the less he owes you money wise. Doesn’t matter about day time hours it’s overnight that a count.

OlderandwiserMaybe · 27/12/2023 14:30

Unfortunately - as you now live far apart from each other you will inevitably have to do vast majority of the child care.
I kind of understand if your Ex is not keen to have child overnight as it sound s like he's still very young?? Practically does your ex have all the stuff your baby/child would need of ran overnight stay?
As the child gets older perhaps you can alter whatever childcare arrangement you have so Dad has more time with them?? Gradually you will then get more time to yourself.

With very young children it is normal for mum to not have much time for themselves - even if they were still in a relationship with Dad.

TorringtonDean · 27/12/2023 14:30

He is more generous than many dads. If he’s paying more than CMS and also caring for the child. I agree he should try to do that alone.

Unfortunately most of the life admin is part of being a responsible adult and parent - with or without a partner. It’s going to be full-on for the next 20yrs. I speak from experience!

As for time to yourself, most mums don’t get that whatever their domestic set-up.

Original poster
hunvd · 27/12/2023 14:34

Thanks for the replies @OhmygodDont @OlderandwiserMaybe @TorringtonDean

i think I’m finding it hard to accept I don’t have time like I used to. I managed the first year ok and then I got to that point and thought oh wait, it’s still not easier! For some reason I thought it would get better and it obviously hasn’t. I just want time alone.

OP posts:
CaptainThomasPatButtonHall · 27/12/2023 14:37

hunvd · 27/12/2023 14:21

@CaptainThomasPatButtonHall i think legally he doesn’t need to see ds at all. I know it’s not as bad as some parents but I still think he’s shit.

But even with the distance he's still doing more than most and more than he's obligated to do. You chose to move and part of that is reduced access to him. Many couples have less support than you do.

Welcome to parenthood. Your life isn't your own anymore.

user09767 · 27/12/2023 14:45

Missing the point here but are you on universal credit OP? I was just thinking of what you said about working part time/him just about paying you enough to cover childcare. Anyway if you are do you realise you can claim up to 85% of childcare back via UC?

Regards your other point it is a hard one if you live far away from each other. However I do think he should gradually start to spend more alone time with your DC even if you just start with a couple of hours and build it up to an half day and so on.

AmazingDayz · 27/12/2023 14:47

Well he doesn’t sound too bad, my ex doesn’t see our children and pays £7 a week maintenance so could always be worse!

ConsuelaHammock · 27/12/2023 14:48

It sounds like you’re just feeling overwhelmed with it all at the moment. I promise you it won’t last forever. Just take it one day at a time for now.

Original poster
hunvd · 27/12/2023 14:48

@AmazingDayz yours sounds shit I agree but I’m not sure you read my op fully… he left me to give birth alone and didn’t see ds for six months!

OP posts:
ConsuelaHammock · 27/12/2023 14:49

I would let him have the child an overnight in. your home and build it up to a weekend. Then you could have a few days away with your friends. Everyone needs a break.

EarringsandLipstick · 27/12/2023 14:54

I feel like he should pay me an extra 100 a month just for having to pick up the logistical pieces of everything?

This is nonsense.

He can’t seem to have ds alone as he worries a lot and says he will eventually but he prefers me around.

This is also ridiculous. Either he sees DS alone on agreed contact hours, he can work up to longer periods if he's worried, or he doesn't. Seeing him with you there too is no good - you've to see your ex and you still get no break.

He’s currently paying me enough to cover nursery (I am part time until next October because I am using holiday allowance) and 300 on top which covers DS’s food nappies etc.

This sounds like a generous level of maintenance for 1 DC.

So the only issue is access.

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