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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Find my mum really cold and lacking in empathy

29 replies

puppal · 27/12/2023 12:26

She's visiting at the moment and I feel like she's grated on me quite a bit.

She measures people's worth by how tidy they keep their home and how well they cook.

Anyone who falls below her standard is a disgusting slob.

I just can't keep up with her exacting standards. So whenever she comes to visit, she'll just open drawers and look at everything and start cursing me under her breath. It really upsets me. I keep it in and ask her to please stop, which she usually doesn't and then eventually I'll end up either having a go at her or telling her she's upset me.

If I have a go at her, she acts like a victim and that I'm the worst daughter ever and if I show her that I'm actually upset, she calls me a baby and childish.

In fact, any time I show my feelings, she calls me a baby.

She just doesn't get me at all. I end up feeling like a complete failure when she comes around. I feel like she thinks she's so much better than me. She also never sits down. And I always feel judged when I sit down.

She also thinks she's really attractive ( which she is ), but she's always talking about it and bigging herself up and making snidey comments about how good her skin is and how I just have different skin to her- etc etc. I know she thinks she's more attractive and ages better.

Another thing that annoys me is that whenever she's ill, I always try to help her with medicine / the etc. I always ask her how she's feeling and that kind of thing. Since she's come to stay, I've had the worst cough ever and literally had coughing fits in front of her and she's not even once acknowledged it or asked me if I'm ok. I don't expert her to make me tea, but at least she could say ' oh no are you ok ? '.

Everything for her is a popularity contest. She seeks out people's approval like crazy and this also annoys me. When we are together in a group, or she meets someone new, she has to go way over board to make sure she's super popular and gets really in their face with her friendship. It's also like I'm not even there when she is seeking this kind of attention. It's annoying.

I'm making her sound awful but she's really upset me the last few days, especially calling me childish when she's upset me.

She clearly thinks I'm an embarrassing waste of space and she's so much better.

OP posts:
AngelsandAliens · 27/12/2023 12:33

I’m sorry you feel this way op , this is not a way to treat anyone let alone your daughter , I don’t know how you put up with it - have you ever had a proper conversation with her about this ?

I imagine you have , and she remains the same - I couldn’t have someone like that in my life , mother or not .

sending 💐

AnnaMagnani · 27/12/2023 12:37

How long is she visiting for? It's clearly too long so any future visits need to be shorter.

Would it be easier to go to hers? She can't pick at your tidying then and you always have the option of going home early.

KT8282 · 27/12/2023 12:40

Is your mum NT or ND? My mum is oddly judgy about weird things, doesn’t respond appropriately to situations, and is just generally irritating in lots of ways. She also calls me nasty, ridiculous, or childish if I call her out on it. It has taken me 42 years of life to realise she is ND rather than just a twat. I suspect she is high functioning autistic, certainly on the spectrum, obviously undiagnosed. It doesn’t make her any less annoying but I feel less gaslit by her (she has called me awful things since childhood and said some really unforgivable things over the years).

Pepsipepsi · 27/12/2023 12:44

She's unlikely to change her behaviour. You're trying to find logic and reason in her behaviour but it's just who she is and always will be.

All you can do is put in your own boundaries. If she can't control herself in your house then you'll have to meet somewhere neutral. Consider going low or no contact.

I always say if you wouldn't put up with bad treatment from a friend then there's no reason to tolerate it from blood relatives.

Eyesopenwideawake · 27/12/2023 12:45

Who cares what she thinks? Seriously - stop giving her opinions and views any headspace. You're not a little girl anymore, you don't need her (or anyone else's) approval. Either hand her a basket of cleaning stuff when she arrives or tell her to fuck off as and when she annoys you. What's she going to do - stop your pocket money?!

Original poster
puppal · 27/12/2023 12:46

KT8282 · 27/12/2023 12:40

Is your mum NT or ND? My mum is oddly judgy about weird things, doesn’t respond appropriately to situations, and is just generally irritating in lots of ways. She also calls me nasty, ridiculous, or childish if I call her out on it. It has taken me 42 years of life to realise she is ND rather than just a twat. I suspect she is high functioning autistic, certainly on the spectrum, obviously undiagnosed. It doesn’t make her any less annoying but I feel less gaslit by her (she has called me awful things since childhood and said some really unforgivable things over the years).

I've never considered that but it's worth thinking about. There is absolutely no getting through to her to be able to see it from another person's viewpoint.

She's always the victim in every situation. She sometimes apologises / seems to get why she's managed to cause upset, but I know deep down, she thinks she was wronged and she's just pretending because she will do the same stuff over and over again.

There's just no getting through to her at all. Whatever I do or say, it's always my fault for being nasty to her. I can't stand up to her at all without being told I'm horrible / she's the victim in the situation.

OP posts:
ItIsBoth · 27/12/2023 12:52

KT8282 · 27/12/2023 12:40

Is your mum NT or ND? My mum is oddly judgy about weird things, doesn’t respond appropriately to situations, and is just generally irritating in lots of ways. She also calls me nasty, ridiculous, or childish if I call her out on it. It has taken me 42 years of life to realise she is ND rather than just a twat. I suspect she is high functioning autistic, certainly on the spectrum, obviously undiagnosed. It doesn’t make her any less annoying but I feel less gaslit by her (she has called me awful things since childhood and said some really unforgivable things over the years).

I know some truly sweet and lovely ND people.
Being ND doesn’t automatically make you an arsehole.

It’s possible to be both ND and a twat.

So sorry have such a challenging figure of motherhood to deal with… Christmas does seem to bring a lot of old upsets up.

hollyivy123 · 27/12/2023 12:52

People like this never change OP and i'm sorry she's like this. The best way of getting through a relationship like this is to set some boundaries with it all. Basically limit the time you have with her, and limit the opportunities for her to make you upset. Meet on neutral ground or hers if that works, don't talk about emotional topics, limit what you tell her about your life if she's unsupportive - then you won't have to deal with the lack of empathy on top. Reduce your expectations of empathy from her, because she obviously doesn't seem to have any. Limit disagreements by coming out with non committal responses such has 'Hmm I hadn't thought of it like that', or 'maybe you're right' or something like that. Focus on being very neutral. Don't give her any hooks to attach herself too. If she is so determined to be right, just keep your disagreements inside your head and bite your lip as you'll never win with someone like this unfortunately. Hope you find a strategy which works for you.

Original poster
puppal · 27/12/2023 12:57

she's not all bad but I do think she manages to make me feel pretty pathetic most of the time she comes to see me. If I bring it up, it's all in my head of course and it's my problem.

OP posts:
ItIsBoth · 27/12/2023 12:58

She sounds like a not so covert, covert narcissist.

In competition with her own daughter.

She is emotionally disordered and this is notoriously difficult to treat.

I agree with the grey rocking method.

My condolences.

willWillSmithsmith · 27/12/2023 13:02

Eyesopenwideawake · 27/12/2023 12:45

Who cares what she thinks? Seriously - stop giving her opinions and views any headspace. You're not a little girl anymore, you don't need her (or anyone else's) approval. Either hand her a basket of cleaning stuff when she arrives or tell her to fuck off as and when she annoys you. What's she going to do - stop your pocket money?!

This! Honestly, I know it’s not easy but you really should not be giving this any weight.

This is who she is, she is the one who is lacking - not you. You’re an adult too, she is not superior to you. Ignore and carry on.

wayyour · 27/12/2023 13:03

I wouldn't be inviting her again. I would be distancing from her, going low contact as has been said, maybe eventual no contact. You shouldn't have to put up with this.

PostItInABook · 27/12/2023 13:04

KT8282 · 27/12/2023 12:40

Is your mum NT or ND? My mum is oddly judgy about weird things, doesn’t respond appropriately to situations, and is just generally irritating in lots of ways. She also calls me nasty, ridiculous, or childish if I call her out on it. It has taken me 42 years of life to realise she is ND rather than just a twat. I suspect she is high functioning autistic, certainly on the spectrum, obviously undiagnosed. It doesn’t make her any less annoying but I feel less gaslit by her (she has called me awful things since childhood and said some really unforgivable things over the years).

None of that is a sign/symptom/trait of autism.
Your mum just sounds like an arsehole.

wayyour · 27/12/2023 13:05

I agree you shouldn't be giving any weight to her opinions. You know her behaviour is wrong.

TilerSwift · 27/12/2023 13:06

She sounds narcissistic.

PostItInABook · 27/12/2023 13:08

When will this automatic, offensive and ignorant assumption that everyone who is a nasty arsehole must be autistic / ND die away!

Seriously. It’s so bloody ignorant. Sometimes a NT person really is just not very nice.

WinterDeWinter · 27/12/2023 13:08

KT8282 · 27/12/2023 12:40

Is your mum NT or ND? My mum is oddly judgy about weird things, doesn’t respond appropriately to situations, and is just generally irritating in lots of ways. She also calls me nasty, ridiculous, or childish if I call her out on it. It has taken me 42 years of life to realise she is ND rather than just a twat. I suspect she is high functioning autistic, certainly on the spectrum, obviously undiagnosed. It doesn’t make her any less annoying but I feel less gaslit by her (she has called me awful things since childhood and said some really unforgivable things over the years).

Your mother sounds like a narcissist, not autistic. I’m sorry you’ve both had to grow up with this abuse.

Ghostwritersinc · 27/12/2023 13:13

She is a narcissist.
sometimes it is easier to just accept you won’t be able to win, whatever you do, because you will always be in a competition you didn’t enter, but that is her problem, not yours.
Every single time she says something horrible, just smile, shrug and say ‘if you say so’. You know what she is saying isn’t true.
It will irritate her immensely I’m sure!

Fivepigeons · 27/12/2023 13:14

I feel your pain. Its very hard having a completely unempathetic mother. My mum just seems to live via criticising other people. Luckily she's not a neat/tidy freak like yours but she is very fixated on other womens appearance/fashion. Anyone even slightly above a size 8 she comments on negatively for example.. its incredibly draining to go anywhere with her. The only time she is warm or happy is if she's shopping or you are complimenting her in some way.
I'm 8months pregnant. My mum hasn't even asked when my due date is or how I am. She doesnt even know what I do as a job. She has zero interest in my life.
It sounds a bit harder for you as your mum is interested but only to criticise and correct. My mum just point blank isn't interested.
But like yours she can be incredibly cruel consistently then if you react to it in any way or challenge her on any of it, she then acts like you are absolutely insane or the nastiest person in the world.
Its so psychologically draining. I cant be around her for very long.

JassyRadlett · 27/12/2023 13:16

It sounds like your mum is the same as my grandmother. "Narcissist" gets bandied around a lot these days but my grandmother was textbook. She was beautiful, put great store in aesthetics (including household tidiness) and was absolutely the main character of every room and situation she was in. Other people's feelings were irrelevant or inexplicable. She had one (male) golden child and made my mother dance attendance.

Grey rock was the only thing that worked. At its best, it was the time after a falling out that my mother didn't go grovelling and apologising. She moderated herself a little after that as some of the power was taken away and my mother perfected a good "yes mum" and "if you say so mum" in a bored tone.

newnamethanks · 27/12/2023 13:16

Boundaries OP. Get some and put them in place. Nobody should have to put up with such insensitivity and she knows it. I bet she doesn't do it to everyone. Stop indulging her it just encourages her behaviour. Tell her to stay at home.

Bigcoatweather · 27/12/2023 13:23

Sounds like you’ve got yourself a good example of a narcissist mother there OP.
You can join my club - I have exactly the same and could have written your post. I had 3 years of NC and it was wonderful. She’s only allowed to be a part of my life now provided she sticks to the boundaries I have given her.

Other corkers from my narcissistic mother include that I’ll never survive without her (this was 25 years ago and I’m doing extremely well, thanks mum)…..I’m not a proper mother because I had c-sections…..and my DH will never stick with me because he’ll go back to his ex-wife (he was already divorced when we met)…..she’s sad because I’ll never be as pretty as her or my friends (ouch! I’m not bad looking at all, actually!).

Allthatglittersisntart · 27/12/2023 13:29

She sounds like a narcissist. There are support groups for daughters with narcissist mums.

Sherrystrull · 27/12/2023 13:38

I wouldn't have her in your house. If you want to see her then you visit her or meet in a coffee shop or something.