If you went NC with your mum, why?

justanothermanicmonday1 · 2023-12-22T19:00:20+00:00

Just that. I have this feeling for some reason that my mum just doesn't like me. It's hard to explain. It's just the way she makes me feel. Now I have two children myself, I couldn't ever forgive myself if I made them feel worthless. I've came off the phone tonight feeling quite down. My mum & dad are divorced now. He sees it as well. So does my DP. So I'm glad I'm not imagining it. I'm not making much sense. It's just decades worth of shit behaviour.

Myfirstcarwasamini · 22/12/2023 19:06

Hi OP, sorry you feel this way. I relate. I felt mine didn't like me all my life. She was a huge narcissist and very jealous of me and generally threatened by other women. Do you think your mum may be jealous of you ? It's very hard and you feel everyone gets on with their mum except you. But it's often a difficult relationship. For me it's given me the motivation to never be that type of parent. I would never forgive myself if I thought I'd make my DS feel the way I did.

Try to focus on all you do have and the positive relationships you have in your life.

Eekmystro · 22/12/2023 19:08

Op I’m so sorry! If other people see it and you feel it then it does exist…whether it is intentional or not.

I think so what is right for you. If you need to stop contact to live the healthiest happiest life then do it.

I’m not no contact with my mum, but I am Low contact and have very strong boundaries about contact with her.

Prayfortheangels · 22/12/2023 19:08

Because she is a raging abusive bitch who hated me and let my father rape me violently for years.

Original poster

justanothermanicmonday1 · 22/12/2023 19:09

Myfirstcarwasamini · 22/12/2023 19:06

Hi OP, sorry you feel this way. I relate. I felt mine didn't like me all my life. She was a huge narcissist and very jealous of me and generally threatened by other women. Do you think your mum may be jealous of you ? It's very hard and you feel everyone gets on with their mum except you. But it's often a difficult relationship. For me it's given me the motivation to never be that type of parent. I would never forgive myself if I thought I'd make my DS feel the way I did.

Try to focus on all you do have and the positive relationships you have in your life.

Sometimes.

Without giving too much away as it's quite outing. But she's not had the best life when it comes to relationships, after my dad. I met my partner and we've got two children and we have a healthy, loving relationship. She doesn't have that. My dad said the way she was treated when she was younger by her family, is the way she's treating me. She's not like this with my sibling. Complete opposite. She used to say to me "I bet you never thought you'd meet someone like your DP" I would say, well yeah, I did and I hope I would because I deserve to find someone lovely. Just such odd behaviour.

OP posts:

Original poster

justanothermanicmonday1 · 22/12/2023 19:10

Myfirstcarwasamini · 22/12/2023 19:06

Hi OP, sorry you feel this way. I relate. I felt mine didn't like me all my life. She was a huge narcissist and very jealous of me and generally threatened by other women. Do you think your mum may be jealous of you ? It's very hard and you feel everyone gets on with their mum except you. But it's often a difficult relationship. For me it's given me the motivation to never be that type of parent. I would never forgive myself if I thought I'd make my DS feel the way I did.

Try to focus on all you do have and the positive relationships you have in your life.

Also I'm so sorry 🌷

OP posts:

Original poster

justanothermanicmonday1 · 22/12/2023 19:10

Prayfortheangels · 22/12/2023 19:08

Because she is a raging abusive bitch who hated me and let my father rape me violently for years.

I'm so sorry. This also happened to a dear friend of mine. I hope you are healing and living a life you've always wanted.

OP posts:

Eekmystro · 22/12/2023 19:11

Eekmystro · 22/12/2023 19:08

Op I’m so sorry! If other people see it and you feel it then it does exist…whether it is intentional or not.

I think so what is right for you. If you need to stop contact to live the healthiest happiest life then do it.

I’m not no contact with my mum, but I am Low contact and have very strong boundaries about contact with her.

Sorry I didn’t answer why.

I am low contact because I mum is very emotionally immature, and quite selfish leading to her being unkind to me whilst also very demanding of contact with me. things like calling 30+times a day and then being rude when I answered.

Oddly her rude behaviour is rare now, but I think that is because she knows Inwouod happy never see her.

WhenIsSpringg · 22/12/2023 19:12

It’s a primordial subconscious need, the need to have a loving mother.

Tell yourself everyday that everything is okay now, you’re an adult and no longer dependent on her for your needs, she cannot hurt or reject you anymore because you won’t allow it.

You will allow yourself to bask in the warmth of the love of the family you have created.

Many of us have had mothers like this, they are very emotionally under developed and dysfunctional these types of people. It wasn’t your fault when you were a child and it’s not your fault now. She never understood the mother job description, some people who have given birth to children are incapable of being mothers.

Accept who she is, see her, truly see her, for the emotionally disabled person she is, and accept her evident limitations dispassionately, much as you would observe a thunderstorm from a distance without much distress.

Once you no longer expect anything at all from her, you will be free of the continuel disappointments she meats out.

Good luck, it’s an awful club to be part of, but so many wonderful now mothers and lovers of people in it! We learned how NOT to behave by observing our mothers.

HerRoyalNotness · 22/12/2023 19:14

Manipulative, controlling narcissists. I also felt she hated me. My dad said don’t be silly of course she doesn’t. But she does. For whatever reason, I don’t care to know. NC for 15yrs

Original poster

justanothermanicmonday1 · 22/12/2023 19:15

WhenIsSpringg · 22/12/2023 19:12

It’s a primordial subconscious need, the need to have a loving mother.

Tell yourself everyday that everything is okay now, you’re an adult and no longer dependent on her for your needs, she cannot hurt or reject you anymore because you won’t allow it.

You will allow yourself to bask in the warmth of the love of the family you have created.

Many of us have had mothers like this, they are very emotionally under developed and dysfunctional these types of people. It wasn’t your fault when you were a child and it’s not your fault now. She never understood the mother job description, some people who have given birth to children are incapable of being mothers.

Accept who she is, see her, truly see her, for the emotionally disabled person she is, and accept her evident limitations dispassionately, much as you would observe a thunderstorm from a distance without much distress.

Once you no longer expect anything at all from her, you will be free of the continuel disappointments she meats out.

Good luck, it’s an awful club to be part of, but so many wonderful now mothers and lovers of people in it! We learned how NOT to behave by observing our mothers.

I can't begin to thank you for this.

This really got me for some reason.

Everything you said, I needed to hear.

Thank god for my family & DP family!

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IdaPolly · 22/12/2023 19:15

I watched the Christmas Motherland episode from last year yesterday. Amanda's mother in it (Joanna Lumley) is horrible to her in it and Amanda eventually deals with her very well and buggers off round Anne's. You could watch it.

WhenIsSpringg · 22/12/2023 19:18

justanothermanicmonday1 · 22/12/2023 19:15

I can't begin to thank you for this.

This really got me for some reason.

Everything you said, I needed to hear.

Thank god for my family & DP family!

Show quote history

I know just how much it hurts. Huge hug! 💐

And what an accomplishment to have founded a stable home and family and carried that hope and strength through such adversity. Immense achievement!

ANeurodiverseUniverse · 22/12/2023 19:22

I see my mother once a year at Xmas for the sake of my DS. Because I'm ashamed my family aren't as loving as my DHs and want my DS to feel he has some sort of relationship with my side of the family. But quite frankly, I'm growing very weary of it. It negatively affects me every year. Mainly because she paints a picture of a devoted supportive mother in front of DH and DS... but it's all lies. And I have to sit there biting my tongue.

My mother doesn't like me. She's never had any love affection or connection with me. I'm the eldest of four siblings, but she's always acted with contempt towards me. It quite literally doesn't matter what I do, how I behave, how I speak, its never ever right.

After a 3 day event of her being here this last weekend, I was mentally exhausted and I now feel physically ill from it.

I cut off from my father, which was easy because he cut us off first without a backwards glance. But I have siblings attached to my mum. Attempts to cut her out means I don't see them either. She's been far more successful in being the organ grinder with them. They are much younger than me and have no memory of how she treated me, so she's been able to manufacture stories.

She plays cruel mind games, is manipulative, likes to play victim and presents herself as timid and placid to outsiders, when I know what a vindictive violent hateful person she really is.

I'm not NC, but very very LC. But I do see NC on the horizon in the future, as I'm unsure how much more my older self can keep putting up with the charade.

Original poster

justanothermanicmonday1 · 22/12/2023 19:22

@WhenIsSpringg thank you! I hope you have a lovely new year when it comes 🌷 continue to spread such wisdom, kindness & understanding x

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Original poster

justanothermanicmonday1 · 22/12/2023 19:24

ANeurodiverseUniverse · 22/12/2023 19:22

I see my mother once a year at Xmas for the sake of my DS. Because I'm ashamed my family aren't as loving as my DHs and want my DS to feel he has some sort of relationship with my side of the family. But quite frankly, I'm growing very weary of it. It negatively affects me every year. Mainly because she paints a picture of a devoted supportive mother in front of DH and DS... but it's all lies. And I have to sit there biting my tongue.

My mother doesn't like me. She's never had any love affection or connection with me. I'm the eldest of four siblings, but she's always acted with contempt towards me. It quite literally doesn't matter what I do, how I behave, how I speak, its never ever right.

After a 3 day event of her being here this last weekend, I was mentally exhausted and I now feel physically ill from it.

I cut off from my father, which was easy because he cut us off first without a backwards glance. But I have siblings attached to my mum. Attempts to cut her out means I don't see them either. She's been far more successful in being the organ grinder with them. They are much younger than me and have no memory of how she treated me, so she's been able to manufacture stories.

She plays cruel mind games, is manipulative, likes to play victim and presents herself as timid and placid to outsiders, when I know what a vindictive violent hateful person she really is.

I'm not NC, but very very LC. But I do see NC on the horizon in the future, as I'm unsure how much more my older self can keep putting up with the charade.

Please please live your best life. You don't have to put up with this any more!

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Theblackdogagain · 22/12/2023 19:32

I haven't seen my mother for over 20 years, she's never met my husband or children. She left when I was 7 to live near her fancy man while he was still married and was the other women for years. She's now married to him and he was emotionally abusive to me for years as a child. When I married my husband he sent me a letter saying i was in a false married that broke the ten commandments and I was a fake Christian.
That was the end for me.
I've lost siblings because of it but I'm protecting my children from the venom. My husband and kids are fine and living our best life!

Vicliz24 · 22/12/2023 19:39

I didn't but wish I had . My mother adopted 3 children but only liked one of us . Until she died when I was 30 I tried time and time again to get her to at least like me but it never happened. Her own mother who I lived with from age 12 knew she was vile to me . I have never missed her in the 26 years she's been gone . I'm ok I somehow managed not to be too damaged by her but my younger brother has never recovered. Ironically the youngest of us , the brother she kept is now just like her and I'm very happily NC with him . If she makes you so unhappy then yes, go for it .

LittleGreenFroggie · 22/12/2023 19:42

My mother was physically abusive to us when we were kids. I had it worse as I was the eldest and expected to keep the others in check. If they misbehaved, they'd get a hiding for it, then I'd get the same for not making them behave.

Final straw was her making a series of false police reports about me. My DC went NC with her before I did!

CutiePatooties · 22/12/2023 20:10

Right up until the other day, I’ve tried desperately to get her approval, validation, her appreciation and time and time again I am not good enough and she openly rejects me.

I think as a child, when your own caregiver, the one who really should love you unconditionally, just clearly shows they don’t, you can end up thinking, ‘well no one can love me then. I’m not capable of being loved by anyone if my own mother doesn’t love me.’ I’m only just starting to realise this isn’t true, but it’s taking a lot of counselling, journaling, medication etc. I’m still so early in receiving help.

I decided I don’t want to carry that weight any more. I don’t want the constant reminder that I’ll never be good enough for my own mother. I want to focus on the family I’ve made and repairing some of the damage she’s caused and I can’t fix myself if I’m around the person who broke me in the first place.

Dmsandfloatydress · 22/12/2023 20:14

Mum is bipolar and an alcoholic who refuses to take medication despite being sectioned several times. Got sick of her abusive phone calls, suicide threats and general chaos making. Life has been wonderful since apart from the GAD , the thirty years of walking on egg shells, left me with.

Lalalanding · 22/12/2023 20:37

My mother suffers from a very severe form of superiority and what would the neighbours think complex, she is self centred, emotionally immature and manipulative. She wanted to uphold a family narrative she created about having the most perfect family ever - the superiority - but it wasn’t how I felt growing up and in more reflective moments some of my siblings admitted it wasn’t how they felt too but in the end the same as any children they want to maintain their relationship with their parents.

My father is a very cold man and he is completely self absorbed. I suspect he has undiagnosed ND. There was sexual abuse from a brother whom I also suspect has ND and a personality disorder, his behaviour fits that profile, which my parents did their best to prevent him being in anyway accountable for. I suspect my father engaged in similar behaviour from some of the rationalisations he came out with about my brother’s behaviour.

My parents successfully pushed me out of the family with their behaviour. It is absolutely the best place for me given what the family tolerates. It is extremely dysfunctional.

mindutopia · 22/12/2023 22:18

She married a man who she knows sexually abused his daughter (he plead guilty and told her he did it). It’s much more complex than that and she did some other awful things in the fallout from the situation with this man, like saying my own experiences of sexual abuse where no big deal and spreading rumours that Dh and I stole money from her (obviously we didn’t) to try to discredit us so no one would believe us if we told anyone about her partner’s past.

It’s sad to not have a mum (I didn’t really have a relationship with my dad either growing up, then he died when I was 18). So I essentially had no parents truly there for me in adulthood. But it’s not sad to not have the dysfunctional mum I ended up with. I do look longingly on at other women who have lovely warm supportive mums. What life must be like for them! But that’s not what life gave me. The chaos she caused in my life took me to a really dark, damaged place. I have no regrets at all about making brave choices to pull myself and dc out of that toxic cycle and protect us all. I’m really happy with my choice. Dh and I have a lovely family. My dc have stability that I never had growing up. We truly have stopped the intergenerational cycle in both our families. I have a very happy peaceful life now!

Genuineweddingone · 23/12/2023 07:10

Because she is a narcissist and will never change. There is a great supportive thread called We took you to stately homes which you should read. So supportive. It is horrible how some of our mothers have treated us. Hope you are ok op x