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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gifts that please the giver

40 replies

LittleFishyEyes · 27/12/2023 10:44

FIL is world famous stamp collector. Writes books, goes on lecture tours etc.

Every year he gives his DGC stamps with the understanding that they are not to be sold or given away. They are not valuable but interesting (if you are into that sort of thing) and FIL writes a description of origin of each stamp with it. DGC are polite and feign interest but every year the stamps are shoved in a drawer as soon as we get home.

None of the DGC care about stamps but FIL enjoys buying them and, year after year, no one says anything about the pointlessness of giving presents that matter only to the giver.

I sit on the sidelines (not my circus, not my monkeys) but do judge internally in that this seems to me the most selfish sort of giving possible: something you don't care about, can't exchange and gets shoved in a drawer.

AIBU to think FIL is totally selfish?

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 27/12/2023 10:46

I don’t think this is that much of a big deal to be honest. One of the DGC may take an interest in stamps when they’re older or you could encourage this.

And if they’re going to be worth money then they can be sold when they’re older to buy something else.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 27/12/2023 10:47

Oh and he can say what happens in his lifetime (eg not sold) but when he dies they can do what they like with them.

BorrowersAreVermin · 27/12/2023 10:47

I can see why he might want to share something that brings him joy, but as a Christmas gift, year on year, I agree that's selfish yeah.

Stompythedinosaur · 27/12/2023 10:47

Yup, I think that's pretty crappy behaviour, and very selfish!

Vegetus · 27/12/2023 10:47

Maybe one day when he's gone they'll think differently about the stamps. My Dad used to be buy me toy cars I wasn't that interested in and now he's not here I really cherish them.

Original poster
LittleFishyEyes · 27/12/2023 10:49

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 27/12/2023 10:47

Oh and he can say what happens in his lifetime (eg not sold) but when he dies they can do what they like with them.

But aren't gifts for now? Not some indeterminate date in the future when FIL is not around.

Also DGC are teens. Have, to date, shown no desire for stamp collecting despite years of stamps being given to them.

OP posts:
PuttingDownRoots · 27/12/2023 10:50

Sometimes its the action that means more than the actual gift. Your FIL is taking time to do this. It is showing love.
They may not appreciate the stamps... but they do probably appreciate the time and effort.

TheSuggestedAmendment · 27/12/2023 10:51

What does your DH think? Why hasn’t he said something?

RoseGoldEagle · 27/12/2023 10:51

Is he hoping one of them might take an interest at some point and it will be something they can enjoy together in later years if so? You know him saying they can’t sell/swap/get rid of isn’t his choice to make though- presumably at some point if they don’t get into them they won’t keep them? Or does he ask to see them again?

I get it’s a bit weird. Possibly his way of trying to bond with them though by sharing something he himself loves, maybe a bit misguided but he presumably means well?

Greenfinch7 · 27/12/2023 10:51

At least they are small, and you are not expected to display them. Imagine if his hobby was painting and framing portraits of family members

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 27/12/2023 10:53

Partly my reasoning for this is my grandad (DM’s father) used to collect antiques and go to the charity shop for them. He had some success here too. Luckily he was good in what he gave us eg antique China rabbit money box, pen knives (decorative) as DB had collected these from 8 years old. But his wife (step grandmother) always bought us something from her or both of them that we actually wanted.

But we were supposed to take an interest in (and did to a certain degree) in antiques.

Original poster
LittleFishyEyes · 27/12/2023 10:55

TheSuggestedAmendment · 27/12/2023 10:51

What does your DH think? Why hasn’t he said something?

Agreed it is selfish. Doesn't say anything because his family take not communicating what you actually feel to each other to another level.

We've been together almost 30 years so I am used to it.

As I said it is not my problem. My DC have all they want really. Just seems so pointless. I can't abide giving that are not wanted and/or useful to the recipient.

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 27/12/2023 10:55

If it’s their only gift though from him I’d see this as a bit limiting and try to get him to find something else that’s more on common ground with them.

(I’d hate the stamps too and some people just aren’t collectors).

clary · 27/12/2023 10:56

Yeh I think this is really odd. And they will never be worth anything sadly. My dad collected the First Day Covers and when he died we couldn’t give them away.

It’s a bit like me, a big wordie/MFL-er, giving my non-reader/scientist sons crossword books or French dictionaries year after year. I mean why would I do this? If you cba to find out what someone would like, just put cash in a card. Ain’t no one gonna object to that – well, no teen I have ever met anyway.

Possimpible · 27/12/2023 10:56

Is this the only present FIL gets them, or is this one part of a gift? If he also buys them stuff they want I think it's fine. If this is the only thing he gives, I do think it's a poor gift as it's for his own benefit

CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 27/12/2023 10:57

Small, flat, keep them dry and maybe when the dgc are older they will enjoy.
i get what your saying BUT you really shouldn’t be so judgemental.
the dgc might be 60 before they appreciate the gift.

Original poster
LittleFishyEyes · 27/12/2023 10:57

Possimpible · 27/12/2023 10:56

Is this the only present FIL gets them, or is this one part of a gift? If he also buys them stuff they want I think it's fine. If this is the only thing he gives, I do think it's a poor gift as it's for his own benefit

It's the only one. Every year.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleFishyEyes · 27/12/2023 10:59

CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 27/12/2023 10:57

Small, flat, keep them dry and maybe when the dgc are older they will enjoy.
i get what your saying BUT you really shouldn’t be so judgemental.
the dgc might be 60 before they appreciate the gift.

Why shouldn't I be so judgmental?

I think it is selfish. And pointless. I judge.

Asking here to see if I am wrong to do so.

OP posts:
SunnieShine · 27/12/2023 11:00

I'm sure they get plenty of other presents so don't waste your time worrying about it.

Luckylottowinnertobe · 27/12/2023 11:04

I think maybe at times we are all guilty of this.
I love growing plants from seeds, l have gifted no end of seedlings and cuttings to my sister's and friends over the years only to find them dead in pots when l go round or to be told with a laugh the slugs ate them.
I think it probably does give your father in law a lot of pleasure, maybe he like a lot of his generation are unsure what to give, children today are growing up in a very different world. I can understand how you feel though.

Lindy2 · 27/12/2023 11:05

I actually think it's quite sweet.

It's done with love. Grandparents are great for sharing knowledge with grandchildren. The kids might not be that interested now but potentially in the future they'll look at the stamps and the notes he wrote quite differently.

I'd be thankful that he is interested enough to do something personal for them, that stamps are small and can easily be tucked away somewhere, that he's not bought a ton of useless plastic toys instead.

Brightredtulips · 27/12/2023 11:10

Stop being so precious. Hes lovingly sharing his passion. He has no reason to think you all hate this gift so continues. It makes an old man happy. Your kids will not be lacking in anything I'm sure. Just be kind.

Wtfammaduck · 27/12/2023 11:10

I get they’re not overly interested but things may change as they get older and once he’s gone they have these lovely mementos of
him taking time to share his passion and expertise with them. Take it from someone who did not do this with their grandfathers and regrets not learning more about what they knew. A lot of important information died with them, skills no one else had that are now lost to the world. One especially tried to share his world unique knowledge with me but my mother discouraged it cos it wasn’t cool for a teenage girl.

You sound a bit materialistic and grabby to me. I know many agree with you but your kids are being given the opportunity of learning about a rare element of world culture not just another PS game or plastic tat that bores them after 5 mins.

I think YABU and ungrateful.

Paresse · 27/12/2023 11:15

If it's the only one, then honestly it's a non-present. He's effectively not getting them a present.

That's what mostly seems rude to me. Getting the stamps in itself isn't such a bad thing - at least they're small and inoffensive (although stipulating that they mustn't be sold is pretty controlling and weird; conditions like that mean it's really not a gift at all).

So yes, I think it's rude and selfish and very annoying. Your FIL is really just buying things for his own benefit and interest, and expecting your kids to be grateful.

CurlewKate · 27/12/2023 11:18

@TheSuggestedAmendment

What does your DH think? Why hasn’t he said something?"
Because he's not a dick?

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