Gifts that please the giver

[LittleFishyEyes]

FIL is world famous stamp collector. Writes books, goes on lecture tours etc.

Every year he gives his DGC stamps with the understanding that they are not to be sold or given away. They are not valuable but interesting (if you are into that sort of thing) and FIL writes a description of origin of each stamp with it. DGC are polite and feign interest but every year the stamps are shoved in a drawer as soon as we get home.

None of the DGC care about stamps but FIL enjoys buying them and, year after year, no one says anything about the pointlessness of giving presents that matter only to the giver.

I sit on the sidelines (not my circus, not my monkeys) but do judge internally in that this seems to me the most selfish sort of giving possible: something you don't care about, can't exchange and gets shoved in a drawer.

AIBU to think FIL is totally selfish?

It's rather tone deaf, though there is a sweet element of sharing his passion with them. I would be mildly annoyed though as in reality (as they can't do with them as they see fit) he is really giving them to store for him. But at least they are small and flat and CAN fit in a single drawer.

My parents are both a bit like that. I received many presents as a child that reflected what they thought I ought to be interested in rather than what I was actually interested in. As PPs have said it's harmless but I sort of felt it denied me as a person iyswim?

Maybe in the future they will be interested in them and remember their grandfather when reading about them. They may also be valuable in years to come. I think they are a nice gift

What are they worth? If potentially they're going to be a nice bundle of cash in the future then they're infinitely better than some plastic tat.

It is interesting because there are a threads on here with people who haven't got what they want for Christmas. My DC most definitely haven't got what 'they want' from FIL but actually they have pretty much everything they want generally so they're not really bothered.

It just feels like a weird way to approach gift giving. Go for something you like best, cover it in caveats and hope that it lands somewhere, sometime, for some of them. Because you like it. Not because you know they do. Isn't gift giving about giving pleasure to the recipient?

I wonder if I'd made this thread about home made bath bombs it would have had the same responses.

It is a bit selfish, but at least they can sell them when he’s dead, and buy something they do want.

We understand they are not worth much. More historically interesting. If you share the interest of course.

I wonder if he’s autistic.

yeh those who are saying they will or might be worth something - no they won't. I mean they could use the stamps to post a parcel but that's about it, sorry. There is no market for stamp collections or first day covers or special edition stamps. By all means collect them if you love them but it's not in any way a nest egg.

This wouldn't bother me in the least. It's stamps, not hideous figurines or dreadful paintings. Your DC may meet people in the future who are really keen stamp collectors and would love to have the stamps they have been gifted over the years. There will always be a market for stamps, regardless of their monetary worth.

I was too scared to say this, but I did think it. And yes, of course, no two autistic people are the same.

What are the DC into OP? I’d play him at his own game next year, if you think he’s good sport enough to laugh along. Buy him some v bucks or something 😂

I'd say it was a lack of understanding rather than selfishness or thoughtlessness.

It sounds as though stamp collecting is important to him and he thinks he is doing something nice for his grandchildren by sharing his interest, especially as he is taking so much trouble over writing out info about each stamp.

The problem is that you and your DH have never (unless there's a massive drip feed coming) told him that your dc aren't interested in the stamps.

The first time, you had to smile and say thank you. But the 2nd Christmas was the time to have taken him aside, thanked him for the thought but let him know that none of the dc has developed an interest in stamps and offer to give him a few suggestions the following year.

If you've let it go on for this long, there's nothing you can say now without hurting his feelings.

It's a lot nicer gesture than no present and a lot less nice gesture than giving them something they'd actually like.

I was given "collectable" fairy plates by my parents every year between the ages of 10 and 21. At 10, they were just a bit pointless (I'd have rather had a toy and I had nowhere to display them). By 21, I had realised how worthless and (to me) twee and awful they were. Also, I now had twelve of them stacked in the back of the wardrobe gathering dust. I took me until I was about 40 to get rid of them (they had no financial value).

I don't doubt my mum thought I would like them (I don't expect my dad had much of a say in buying them). But I also don't think she considered that I might not.

There's something very paternalistic and patronising about your story, OP. "I know what's best for you."

I’m with you, OP. Gifts should be about the recipient, not the giver. It wouldn’t be so bad if he was getting them something else that they actually wanted as well as stamps.

I agree with you, op. As a one off 'I saw this interesting stamp and want you to look after it' sort of gesture it would be a charming gift for a child, but he's kind of foisting his hobby onto unwilling participants.

One of my uncles collected coins and gave each of his great nieces and nephews a gold sovereign at birth. That was it, no further expectation. My nephew who went on to become genuinely interested and took up the hobby himself inherited my uncle's collection, which was lovely for all of us.