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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m angry all the time. Need help

45 replies

whyamiangry · 27/12/2023 10:31

please no nasty comments, I’m looking for help and support please.

I’m very angry all the time and I can’t control myself. I don’t know how to get over it. About to go to my mums home for New Years but woke up feeling intense rage about the past. I started a fight with DH and said awful things many of which I don’t even believe/mean. I smashed a plate in the kitchen too. I think I do it to get a reaction Out of him. He didn’t respond to me as usual and just ignored me which made me feel more angry and I said more awful things to him. Please can I get some support or just someone to talk to about this morning.

OP posts:
Moreorlessmentallystable · 27/12/2023 10:51

How old are you? Not a justification for your behaviour but menopause can cause intense rage in women.

minipie · 27/12/2023 10:52

I think a hormonal test would be a good idea. Also are you getting enough sleep?

BlackeyedSusan · 27/12/2023 10:53

Are you on the pill? Some can cause rage....

Tatumm · 27/12/2023 10:53

Sorry, that sounds really stressful. Could you give us some more information? Is there any back story as to why you might be feeling like this? Have you felt this way for a while or is it new?

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 27/12/2023 10:56

OP have you tried CBT? This helped me massively with my anger

MiddleagedBeachbum · 27/12/2023 10:56

You need to find a healthy way to release your rage:
Screaming into a pillow
Go for a drive, pull over and scream, shout, cry
Get a bat and bash some pillows
Do some boxing / a martial art
go for a run
put on some music and dance, shake, vocalise

These are all ways of releasing your anger and moving your energy.

MeinKraft · 27/12/2023 10:57

Sertraline

Summerhillsquare · 27/12/2023 10:58

I can relate. Is it physical do you think? (refs to menopause or PMDD) or situational? Its a pretty sensible reaction if your life is stresful - well, there is so much to be angry about lately! So stop judging yourself, accept the anger and think about whether treatment or a change in life might help.

ClottedCreamScone · 27/12/2023 10:58

I think you should speak to your GP. It may be that you need some form of therapy or medication, or both, but that is the place to start.

Anger is so destructive. You want to be free of it - that’s the first step. You need support to overcome this, for the sake of those around you and you too.

tomatoontoast · 27/12/2023 11:01

Your poor DH :( Who is helping him? Does he have someone to talk too?

Tacotortoise · 27/12/2023 11:02

Depression, for me, was correlated with feelings of intense rage.

Would you feel better if you ended your relationship? Your behaviour to your husband is abusive, so maybe you'd be happier with him gone?

CuriositysCat · 27/12/2023 11:02

H.R.T

Original poster
whyamiangry · 27/12/2023 11:04

The anger comes from a feeling I was mistreated a lot by DH and his family over the years. Things such as I was prevented from seeing my family, every conversation about visiting my family for years holidays was met by DH sulking and MIL telling me I can’t. Other things such as finding emails DH wrote to women that were creepy and predatory (I wrote a thread at the time under different username which got lots of responses). He never wants to discuss anything. Last year when I visited my famiky explained to him this might be last year with my dad as he was unwell but still my DH sulked and made whole weekend about him.

OP posts:
PonyPatter44 · 27/12/2023 11:05

You started a fight with your DH for no reason and then you were deliberately violent (smashing the plate). Frankly, this is the behaviour of an abuser, and you need to leave until you can sort out whatever is wrong with you.

sawdustformypony · 27/12/2023 11:07

Possibly Graves' disease - causing elevated thyroxine. That can makes you angry all the time. As a pp said, get hormone levels

JanglyBeads · 27/12/2023 11:08

It sounds like your husband (and his family) have given you many reasons to be angry over the years OP. Have you considered ending the marriage?

WilderRose · 27/12/2023 11:09

Sounds like a huge amount of pent up frustration and tension that is coming out as rage. Obviously, things to deal with within your family but you need to be calm enough to do that.
Hrt helped with my fits of anxiety and rage but didn't take away underlying issues (or brain fog but that's another story).

NoSquirrels · 27/12/2023 11:09

whyamiangry · 27/12/2023 11:04

The anger comes from a feeling I was mistreated a lot by DH and his family over the years. Things such as I was prevented from seeing my family, every conversation about visiting my family for years holidays was met by DH sulking and MIL telling me I can’t. Other things such as finding emails DH wrote to women that were creepy and predatory (I wrote a thread at the time under different username which got lots of responses). He never wants to discuss anything. Last year when I visited my famiky explained to him this might be last year with my dad as he was unwell but still my DH sulked and made whole weekend about him.

You’re angry because you’re stuck in a controlling, unhealthy relationship.

It’s a perfectly normal reaction.

And it’s telling you things need to change for your mental wellbeing.

FloweryWowery · 27/12/2023 11:10

If you've been treated poorly by your DH and his family for years, then anger seems like an appropriate thing to be feeling. May i ask why do you stay?

Tacotortoise · 27/12/2023 11:11

whyamiangry · 27/12/2023 11:04

The anger comes from a feeling I was mistreated a lot by DH and his family over the years. Things such as I was prevented from seeing my family, every conversation about visiting my family for years holidays was met by DH sulking and MIL telling me I can’t. Other things such as finding emails DH wrote to women that were creepy and predatory (I wrote a thread at the time under different username which got lots of responses). He never wants to discuss anything. Last year when I visited my famiky explained to him this might be last year with my dad as he was unwell but still my DH sulked and made whole weekend about him.

So end the relationship (he doesn't sound the sort to want to try and fix it). But what you are doing is abuse and it won't solve anything because obviously he's not going to respond to someone who's raging at him, or if he does it will just escalate.

I do understand how angry years of feeling unheard can make you but this is not the answer. You don't even have to make him understand how you feel, you can just end it. No reasons given.

Original poster
whyamiangry · 27/12/2023 11:11

@FloweryWowery for cultural reasons. My parents would never accept it. My dad is unwell and don’t want him to feel I’ve let him down in the community. They won’t care how I’ve been treated it’s just about keeping up appearances. They know some of the things but a vast amount they don’t and honestly wouldn’t really care.

OP posts:
pickledandpuzzled · 27/12/2023 11:15

Bless you, OP. Could you do split without telling them?

The rage isn’t really the issue, it’s a symptom of an appalling situation.

I came on to offer support as I had similar, but my situation was completely different.

Seek help.

Tacotortoise · 27/12/2023 11:16

Cultural reasons are not a good reason to stay. Lots of cultures, including western culture, were built on the backs of women putting up and shutting up. But there are women in every culture saying "no more".

As for your dad, if he loves you, you'll be amazed what he is able to cope with. And if he doesn't, more fool you for placing his happiness in front of your own.

Original poster
whyamiangry · 27/12/2023 11:20

I just feel so broken, it’s so much easier just staying than trying to leave. If he just spoke about the issues I could move on but it’s impossible to just carry on like nothings wrong I’ve done it for 15 years.

OP posts:
Tatumm · 27/12/2023 11:21

I am sorry you’re in a situation where your angry feelings are understandable. You’ve already taken the first step, which is to reach out for help on this forum. 💐

Could you find a therapist, who would help you to identify your options? You do have options, whatever you do is likely to involve compromise, but continuing as you are may end up taking decisions out of your hands ultimately.

If you are prepared to say which country you are in, we could help with some more specific advice.