I’m angry all the time. Need help

[whyamiangry]

please no nasty comments, I’m looking for help and support please.

I’m very angry all the time and I can’t control myself. I don’t know how to get over it. About to go to my mums home for New Years but woke up feeling intense rage about the past. I started a fight with DH and said awful things many of which I don’t even believe/mean. I smashed a plate in the kitchen too. I think I do it to get a reaction Out of him. He didn’t respond to me as usual and just ignored me which made me feel more angry and I said more awful things to him. Please can I get some support or just someone to talk to about this morning.

Yep this was me a few years ago! Have you spent years being an ultra, maybe overly-agreeable person with other people, despite being treated badly in the past? And have you not actually had any proper therapy to deal with that bad treatment but instead bottled it up and carried on as nothing bad ever happened?

Basically, this is your Buckaroo moment. You're experiencing a lifetime's worth of rage coming out of you in a moment

Same as pp's have said -therapy is the only way out of this, really.

@Tatumm thank you. I’m in England.

You are angry because you’ve been treated really badly.

Get some therapy, and get out

@closingdownsale yes! I remember I actually apologised to SIL for something bad she had done (told me it’s my fault my eldest was a girl and I’ve let everyone down by having a daughter not a son!). It sounds ridiculous now and I wish I could see that bitch again and tell her to go and fuck herself and remind her she’s actually a female too! but at the time I meekly apologised and felt so alone. DH stuck up for her and said she’s entitled to her opinion. I stopped talking to her 7 years ago and since that moment DH sulks when we go to visit my family.

You really need to split up from your H.

Have a look at Find a therapist

Maya centre

If you’re in the Bristol area

There May be specific charities in your area or serving your community if you google. Good luck

OP, I’m so sorry. What an appalling situation you’re in - or more to the point what appalling people you’re surrounded by. Are you afraid of leaving? Would the cultural shame put you in danger? I was in an abusive marriage for ten years but was able to escape with the support of friends (not my parents). Please seek help, from your GP initially or perhaps a mental health or domestic abuse charity. Don’t be told that losing your temper is abusive. It’s a very normal reaction to years of intolerable behaviour. Don’t be shamed into guilt but do try to find your strength so you can channel the anger into improving your situation for you. I found Sertraline very helpful. It didn’t change anything in my life but it did level out my anger so I could deal with things without exploding. Agree with all PPs who have said therapy - a good therapist changed my life.

Feelings are signals. We ignore them at our peril. Your anger here is telling you something. Just as a pain in your body is a sign something needs fixing, a pain in your mind and heart is a sign something is wrong. Not with you, with your situation. Your anger here is healthy. It is justified. It is important to listen to what it is telling you, which is that you are in a controlling and abusive relationship. Please seek support from a therapist and begin to work through what a better life might look like. There are more options, and you have more strength, than you might realise at the moment.

Even people from the Indian subcontinent split up now (i am choosingmy words carefully, this is also my background). Unless you live in an extremely isolated community that is insanely fundamental, you can leave. You don't have to make a huge song and dance, or shout about divorce, you can go and find somewhere else to live, and live there.

Are you concerned about honour-based violence or retribution from your family?

@Tatumm @Cwtshcwtsh @laclochette thank you so much. I really appreciate the support and understanding I’ve gotten from this thread. I really do want to change my life and I don’t want to feel like this.

@PonyPatter44 im worried about the lack of support I will get. My kids will be alone if I leave. I don’t have many friends. I feel isolated

Start living your life for YOU op.
They're all OK dictating to you but behind closed doors the community your dad's so worried about is also hiding 100's of their own 'flaws'. Its hard as I get you about his health etc but enough enough. Start making plans for yourself , get in a better headrace first. Start doing things for yourself. Financially secure yourself and one day just take that next step when your ready and walk away. Your family WILL get over it, it's you running 100 excuses through your brain doing this to yourself and deep down you know it and the rage is there almost at yourself.

I think the reason for your anger is clear - you are in an unhealthy relationship and you feel trapped because there are cultural expectations that you 'can't' leave. I think most people in that situation would feel explosive anger. And the solution is to leave.

Anger can be a manifestation of depression. See if there is a Time to Talk group in your area (they are free and you can self refer).

These are the first baby steps on your journey to healing. See it as a present you are giving yourself for 2024. Good luck.

You sound like you are going through normal feelings and symptoms of oppression, in your case, based on your sex.

I would disagree with you hitting pillows to vent your rage, it will normalise you violently acting out. My mother had psychotherapy which involved hitting pillows with bats and not long afterwards she became violent towards me.

You can't change the past but you can learn to assert yourself without supressing your rage til it boils over. I have similar issues so I know it's hard but there is support on-line. This sort of support will also help if you do decide to leave your marriage in the future, as you will need to be calm and assertive then. SILs comments are bizarre not least because the spetm determines if a child is born male or female, not the egg so if anything your DH is 'responsible' for you having a daughter.

I could have written that. My then husband deliberately ruined my dad's last Christmas. And the rest.

I was very angry during my marriage too. As soon as it ended my anger disappeared. I still had and have a lot to work through, years of such abuse leaves it's very ingrained mark, but the feelings of sheer rage, and also feeling like I was going out of my mind but I didn't know why, have gone.

Your anger is trying to tell you something @whyamiangry , it's doing its best to protect you, please listen to it. At least speak to Women's Aid about what you're going through. They will not force you to end your marriage if you are not ready to do so but will be able to give you very valuable support and understanding

I would recommend reading feminist works so that you can understand how your intolerable situation is just part of a patriarchal superstructure which relies on you putting up and shutting up. It’s time you stopped putting up and shutting up, started making new rules to suit yourself and ensuring that people who do not agree to your terms are ejected from your life.

You may end up with far less social contact, but at least you will be able to breathe and won’t have your emotions constantly churned up by the injustice of your life.

I used to think I was an angry person when with my ex until I realised I wasn't when I finally got rid of him.

You say you have kids. Your kids can't be allowed to grow up in this environment.

I’ve been having a think.

One way you are disadvantaged is that you are trying to be a decent, reasonable person. They are not.

I experienced something that transformed my life- I stopped trying to keep everyone happy.

It sounds so simple, but the moment you stop caring whether they are upset, angry, have a preference, the quicker you feel better.

And actually in my marriage everyone is happier because people have realised they can’t push me around and I’m going to do whatever the hell I like.

You have to be careful- start gently in case your husband gets violent. My guess (given this morning’s reaction) is he won’t and he’ll slowly get used to you having balls.