To feel disappointed by DH and DCs actions?

Dracomalfoysmum · 2023-12-27T01:47:18+00:00

Maybe I’m being petty but I was so upset yesterday and I find Xmas a bit overwhelming anyway so not sure if IABU. I bought 2 of the 3 presents this year from DH to me (box of chocs and a house decoration). He clearly panicked on Xmas eve and just bought whatever was the gift box on offer at boots even though he knows I already have loads of smelly stuff I haven’t used from last Xmas! Yesterday morning, he didn’t even give me them, just brought bag down and left by the door. DC (age 11 and 9) and DH opened their presents and then left the room. I followed and asked if there were any for me and only then DH came back. He hadn’t got anything from the kids for me. I just felt so upset by it all and like my DH and DC behaved quite selfishly. for context-both my parents have died so DH and my children are my closest family. DH earns well but can be very tight with money. We don’t spend a huge amount on each other but I got him a few gifts this year and something from the kids that they chose. I’ve also done all the Xmas shopping for everyone in the family (cousins, in laws etc) and DC. AIBU to be disappointed by my DH and DCs actions here or am I being over sensitive?

Dotcheck · 27/12/2023 01:52

Be disappointed with your husband- he is the adult. Surely your children would have needed an adult to help with present shopping/ making? Which leads us back to your husband.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 27/12/2023 01:53

YABU to blame DC they are young they don’t have the ability or money to shop in their own but YANBU to be upset by your DH - he sounds like a right prize!! Why couldn’t he at least put your present under the tree -I’m so sick of men weaponising incompetence to get out of buying presents!!

Sorry you didn’t get any presents next year but yourself something truly lovely not just chocolate and a house present and let the kids choose dad a cheapie present

Hotpinkangel19 · 27/12/2023 01:55

I'm in the same situation, no parents, just DH and kids. I buy my own now and wrap. Not disappointed then.

Mediumred · 27/12/2023 01:55

That is really shit and if it’s representative of his attitude more generally then I would be questioning the whole relationship. At least you need to call him out on it. Am very sorry

crumblingschools · 27/12/2023 01:57

11yo is old enough to ask dad if he can help them get something for mum, and should be old enough to wonder why mum didn’t get anything

But your DH should have done much more.

neilyoungismyhero · 27/12/2023 02:01

My grandchildren from an early age asked me to take them shopping for their mum's Christmas gifts. Admittedly she gave them the money but they insisted on going with me to choose. Your children are old enough to do the same.

Diggerdriverless · 27/12/2023 02:29

It's not fair but you need to be more proactive next year. At least two weeks before Christmas give your DH a detailed list - make it longer than you expect so you don't know exactly what you're getting - and organise half a day for him to take DC shopping. Give him paper, sellotape and scissors to wrap your presents (unless he has bought gift bags/paid for wrapping in store). Let them all know that on Christmas day, you will give out presents in rotation - the DC will probably have most parcels but let them see that giving gifts is a big part of the fun, not just receiving.

Tinkerbyebye · 27/12/2023 02:34

So next year do the same, just tell him you are sick of being treated in this way and as he can’t be bothered you won’t do presents anymore between you, Christmas or birthday, he can sort his side of the family out, I suppose you can do dc

Zanatdy · 27/12/2023 02:35

Stop doing it all or nothing will ever change

Ladyj84 · 27/12/2023 02:38

We don't buy presents for each other just the kids. Prefer to go away for a few days at another time. But on the odd occasion when hubby comes in with a suprise one I like them all just because he thought of me

BarelyCoping123 · 27/12/2023 02:42

What is wrong with your "D"H - he's an adult, he should be able to pick a thoughtful gift for you, give it to you properly, and help the DC get gifts for you. That is very basic, yet he didnt do any of it. Seriously OP, I'd be questioning the relationship

Original poster

Dracomalfoysmum · 27/12/2023 09:50

Although I’m disappointed and I don’t find it particularly attractive, I’m not sure that not having presents under the tree justifies questioning the whole relationship! I mean DH and DC are all I really have now as close family (I’m an only child).

OTOH I know that even if I said something to DH, he’d probably just say sorry and that he’s not a bad person, but I know he won’t change. He doesn’t argue or respond much to criticism so he just says nothing if I say anything. As he’s got older, he seems to care more about himself and less about me.

OP posts:

AtomicBlondeRose · 27/12/2023 09:54

DC do need a bit of shepherding but mine are the same age and were allowed to go around the local shops together (while I waited nearby) to do their shopping. Both managed to get nice, thoughtful presents (albeit very mug-heavy) for everyone without any help. So I would be a bit disappointed in them - but clearly they’re following in a pattern that’s already been established.

NoSquirrels · 27/12/2023 10:00

The not getting a present is a symptom of why you’d question the relationship- he’s happy to let you do everything and get nothing in return. And your eldest DC looks like they’re copying. My young secondary age DC was so excited to give the gifts they’d chosen and see us open them. I think you’d be totally justified in letting them all know you were disappointed in their actions on Christmas Day. If your husband won’t take that on board and gets defensive, that tells you more about how he feels about you.

cooldarkroom · 27/12/2023 10:09

I would ask them if they enjoyed their Xmas presents. Were they excited to open them, was the surprise something that made them feel loved & happy ? Did they have a good day ?
How would they have felt if they had received nothing? (This is a real question, they need to reply)
Then say, well that's how it felt for You, no present, no thought, no thanks, no love.
Tell them It hurt.

auburnglow788 · 27/12/2023 10:20

Do not confront your children about this issue as it's not their fault. They are children and letting them know that you are upset/hurt by the lack of gifts, will make them feel guilty with nowhere to go with that guilt. I doubt the kids have a lot of money and none of this is their doing.
The person you need to speak to is your DH (away from the children) and explain how you feel about how he behaved. Sometimes people genuinely don't realise how they come across to others and his behaviour can depend on upbringing, current worries/concerns, general mood etc. Try to discuss it with him rather than argue your point, then work on communication throughout the year which should result in a more pleasant Christmas'24.

hellsBells246 · 27/12/2023 10:30

Your h sounds terrible. Selfish, uncaring, socially inept - he didn't even give you the gift?

Talk to him. Tell him what you'd like to happen. Point out the difference between what you did and he did. Say you'd like him to buy you gifts from the dc. You shouldn't need to tell him this!!

Shaunthesleep · 27/12/2023 10:37

This reply has been withdrawn

Message withdrawn - posted on wrong thread.

Codlingmoths · 27/12/2023 10:40

Does he notice when you don’t care for him? I think these men should find themselves without any presents- under the tree, at their birthday. Why would someone continue to make them feel loved and cared for when they don’t reciprocate? Why do you buy all the presents? I don’t, and I just say oh dear when Dh discovered on the 23rd that he’d forgotten a nephews present and had to scramble to fix it. Once upon a time many years ago he expected me to buy presents and I did, but then he didn’t reciprocate when it was his family so I. Stopped. Doing. That. Shit.

Nanny0gg · 27/12/2023 10:45

Dracomalfoysmum · 27/12/2023 09:50

Although I’m disappointed and I don’t find it particularly attractive, I’m not sure that not having presents under the tree justifies questioning the whole relationship! I mean DH and DC are all I really have now as close family (I’m an only child).

OTOH I know that even if I said something to DH, he’d probably just say sorry and that he’s not a bad person, but I know he won’t change. He doesn’t argue or respond much to criticism so he just says nothing if I say anything. As he’s got older, he seems to care more about himself and less about me.

So you're married to a selfish, unthinking man,

What's not to question?

Original poster

Dracomalfoysmum · 27/12/2023 10:49

@Codlingmoths I think this is part of the problem-he probably wouldn’t be that bothered if I or DC didn’t get him anything.

He doesn’t really like ‘stuff’ for the sake of it and he earns enough that if he needs something he just gets it at the time. He doesn’t attach feelings to gift giving really so hard to say to him how would it have made you feel if this happened to you.

I’m torn re what to say to DC if anything. I do worry about them getting spoiled and behaving spoiled. My family didn’t have much money at all when I was a child and I want my DC to have more but I’m concerned they take it for granted.

OP posts:

Codlingmoths · 27/12/2023 11:00

Dracomalfoysmum · 27/12/2023 10:49

@Codlingmoths I think this is part of the problem-he probably wouldn’t be that bothered if I or DC didn’t get him anything.

He doesn’t really like ‘stuff’ for the sake of it and he earns enough that if he needs something he just gets it at the time. He doesn’t attach feelings to gift giving really so hard to say to him how would it have made you feel if this happened to you.

I’m torn re what to say to DC if anything. I do worry about them getting spoiled and behaving spoiled. My family didn’t have much money at all when I was a child and I want my DC to have more but I’m concerned they take it for granted.

What does he like? What does he care about? Explain this is the equivalent for you. Spell it out in clear simple terms. I feel miserable and unloved by you. I feel like you are failing to teach our children to be decent human beings and that’s not a man I am happy to be sharing parenting with. I want you to buy me a present for Christmas and to take the children to as well. Put something in your calendar to have this done by the 15th December next year or Christmas will be miserable. You are a smart capable man, next year try and act like a smart capable man who cares about me and about bringing up his children.

Richard1985 · 27/12/2023 11:23

I'm shocked that you (and others) apparently buy and wrap your own presents. My wife's face would be an absolute picture if I suggested this😂

SeulementUneFois · 27/12/2023 11:36

cooldarkroom · 27/12/2023 10:09

I would ask them if they enjoyed their Xmas presents. Were they excited to open them, was the surprise something that made them feel loved & happy ? Did they have a good day ?
How would they have felt if they had received nothing? (This is a real question, they need to reply)
Then say, well that's how it felt for You, no present, no thought, no thanks, no love.
Tell them It hurt.

This OP.
Please do this - have this conversation together with all of them.

electriclight · 27/12/2023 11:44

Make it clear to all of them, from October onwards, that you are expecting a thoughtful gift.

When shopping - 'do you lot need to go off on your own to get me something?'

When wrapping - 'have you bought wrapping paper for my gift or shall I leave this roll out?'

You should only have to do it one year. You shouldn't have to do it of course, but here we are. Train them well and thereafter they should do it without reminders.