To feel disappointed by DH and DCs actions?

[Dracomalfoysmum]

Maybe I’m being petty but I was so upset yesterday and I find Xmas a bit overwhelming anyway so not sure if IABU.

I bought 2 of the 3 presents this year from DH to me (box of chocs and a house decoration). He clearly panicked on Xmas eve and just bought whatever was the gift box on offer at boots even though he knows I already have loads of smelly stuff I haven’t used from last Xmas!

Yesterday morning, he didn’t even give me them, just brought bag down and left by the door. DC (age 11 and 9) and DH opened their presents and then left the room. I followed and asked if there were any for me and only then DH came back. He hadn’t got anything from the kids for me. I just felt so upset by it all and like my DH and DC behaved quite selfishly.

for context-both my parents have died so DH and my children are my closest family. DH earns well but can be very tight with money. We don’t spend a huge amount on each other but I got him a few gifts this year and something from the kids that they chose. I’ve also done all the Xmas shopping for everyone in the family (cousins, in laws etc) and DC.

AIBU to be disappointed by my DH and DCs actions here or am I being over sensitive?

Your husband sounds appalling

@Codlingmoths

You hit the point exactly smart capable men don’t let their partners and children down. It’s is a low bar of expectation to receive a thoughtful gift of your DP and one bought with him from the children at xmas.

@Dracomalfoysmum
i would treat your partner to an early xmas present of Mathew Fray’s book This is how your marriage ends and see if he it a better man next year.

Hope you enjoy the rest of your xmas and maybe a new year present should be a thing this year for Mum!

I find myself saying this a lot on MN. You need to communicate your expectations to your DH. If you want there to be presents from your DC under the tree that's he's organised, tell him that's what you want and that he needs to organise it.

All people, not just men vs women, think and feel differently to each other about everything. So if you want something to happen, communicate that to your partner.

You need to start now. Let him know how sad you felt that he didn't buy you anything and that you feel like he's becoming more and more selfish and less considerate if you.

Do you have an Amazon account? How about setting up a wish list and anything you'd like, just add it on? Tell dh how to access it and ask him to look on there for every special occasion and choose something with the dcs.
It couldn't be simpler than that. Hopefully, he'll start to learn what you like and dc will learn that their mum deserves gifts too.

You need to teach children how to give and receive presents, it's like all social skills, they won't get it if no-one is modelling it or encouraging it- your husband is useless and hasn't done that, and he deserves a word about that, but I also think you need to set it up to teach them, so give them their pocket money, and send them out into a town centre next year with instructions of who to buy for (each other, mum, dad) and help them wrap the other presents, not yours. If you did all that year after year, they would notice you didn't get anything and ask to get something/spontaneously do this. Make a list, make sure you are on it and train them properly. Don't just give them something to give to their dad, involve them in the whole process, and they should also get each other gifts as well.

Practice makes perfect.

I find this truly shocking too. So many threads where women are buying and wrapping their own presents just to have something to open. What's the point? If my DH suggested I buy my own present, then I'd do the same to him and we wouldn't bother.
The least the DC could have done is made a card or something.

Also, talk to them about how you know what to buy for someone, note down things they like, imagine their reaction, make a list, and then go and action it. My late-teens talk a lot about what to get me, making sure they don't overlap, making me a stocking and so on. Their friends are also very into gift giving, mixed friendship group and no-one is ever left out.

Don't do it for them, facilitate them to learn this valuable skill, they will be a lot more popular and you will also get something nice in a year or two that was spontaneously chosen!

I dont expect presents from the kids (or anyone to be honest), I see it as their day, I certainly wouldn't say anything to them.

As you say, your DH wouldn't be bothered if he gets a gift and probably assumes you are the same.

What happens on your birthday? I feel birthdays are more important for gift considerations and if someone has really put thought into something. Christmas to me is more about the kids for gifts and for adults it's more about nice food/ drink

@Blinkityblonk I agree with everything you said. I also think you can train your kids to be considerate without buying things.
Like helping to bake something for someone's birthday, a celebration or to cheer them up. Calling or messaging someone to see how they are.

When it comes to you, Even a comment like "I'm tired so let me sit in peace for half an hour with this cup of tea. Go find something to do and don't disturb me" or "Today, we're going to have spicy chicken for dinner because that's my favourite" helps them to consider you as a person deserving of special treatment too.

Can you give your children some pocket money each week and help them set up a savings system for birthday and Christmas presents? That way they have some expectation of buying things for you and the money to do so. My 9yr old is very capable of understanding this concept and saving money for things he wants. This will stand them in good sted for managing money in the future and break the selfish attitude your husband seems to be planting in them.

Your husband on the other hand is a selfish jerk. And you need to think about the overall impacts of that as he and you get older.

I hope he has positive points because beyond serious abusive behaviour being tight is the most unattractive quality in a relationship.
I would rather have a sexless marriage than hsve someone touch me who is tight and joyless.

I hope you called him on his behaviour which could rub onto your child if not dealt with.

It doesn't fix it for this year but perhaps next year, you should spell it out for him? 'DH, you are my family and it makes me feel loved when you get me a gift you've put some thought into. It doesn't have to be expensive but I would like you to choose it yourself, wrap it and put it under the tree'.

No, you shouldn't have to do that for an adult man but sometimes it's the best way to ensure you get what you need from his Christmas buying. I think sometimes these things boil down to love languages. If he doesn't understand 'gift giving' as an expression of love then it might not occur to him that you do.

I guess the big question is, does he show love and support in other ways? Or is he being consistently selfish in general?

@ReTrainTheBrain I agree it's not just about gifts, if someone makes a cup of tea in this house, they ask if anyone else wants one. It just becomes second nature if you encourage it. I think it's a bit mean to blame younger children for something if they haven't been taught how to think about others and express that, whether it be a small gift (which could be baked, home-made, doesn't have to be bought), a card, cakes on birthdays. It's fine to prime them too, explain what's required. One of my children is ace at buying gifts (I'm not, I just panic a bit and get something) and keeps a list on her phone when out with their friends of stuff they like/say they want/their interests! That's probably beyond what most people could manage, but not managing anything is not good enough, and tell your husband that.

Next year, when you take the kids to out to buy dad's present, show them what you want and tell dad to take them shopping for it. Sometimes you just have push it. I bought my own present and my dh bought his. I got some extra bits and he did the same. I think your dc are a bit young and need a bit of help understanding it all.

Do not confront your children about this issue as it's not their fault. They are children and letting them know that you are upset/hurt by the lack of gifts, will make them feel guilty with nowhere to go with that guilt. I doubt the kids have a lot of money and none of this is their doing.

I don’t think the OP should ‘confront’ her DC or make them feel guilty about not buying gifts - as you say, it’s not their fault if they have limited means (money) & opportunity. But…

Yesterday morning, he didn’t even give me them, just brought bag down and left by the door. DC (age 11 and 9) and DH opened their presents and then left the room. I followed and asked if there were any for me and only then DH came back.

They (children and adults) certainly could have behaved more considerately - waited till everyone was in the room to open gifts, handed out the presents to each person, allowed everyone to join in the experience. At 9 and certainly by 11, they’re capable of understanding emotions, practising self-restraint and knowing that everyone enjoys giving and receiving gifts. They’re not too young to hear, ‘You all left me out of the present opening and I was a bit hurt you didn’t wait for me.’

Ideally though that would have happened immediately and all be made up and move on straight away, not be brought up 36-48 hours later. So it’s probably too late now, but not for next Christmas or any other occasion in the future that’s supposed to be a celebration.