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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feel bereft now DD at university

51 replies

ThesecondLEM · 26/12/2023 22:06

Hello, I'm a returning member reaching out as I need somewhere to discuss my feelings and always found mumsnet a great support it's a lot, sorry.

So my DD started at university this year, I am honestly SO proud of her. She is dyslexic and struggles(ed) socially. Yet she smashed her GCSEs, surprised us with wanting to go to university. Not only that, to go AWAY to university. This is the girl who sat alone in class (her choice), too shy to order stuff in shops/talk to people she doesn't know.

Now she's gone 400 miles away and appears to be thriving. She's joined societies, is friends with her house mates and is living her best life. I couldn't be more thrilled and proud.

BUT like many others I am sure, the pain of separation is like nothing I have ever experienced and I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready.

She responds to my WhatsApp messages, but has said she does find it annoying as I message each day. OK fine, I'll rein this in, it became a habit, in my mind I wanted her to know I was thinking of her. We spoke twice on the phone, maybe three times but she doesn't like talking on the phone.

She's home for Christmas and it's been nice, it's like she hadn't left -she has exams on her return so spent today revising and plans to go back for new year so she has a clear week of revision. She isn't sure if anyone else will be back but would welcome any parties I think. She isn't a clubber and hates crowds but I think she is enjoying her social life which is fantastic.

I am however, hurt that she can't seem to wait to get back. I don't want to feel like this. She is doing her dream course in a place she loves and is perfect for her studies. But I DON'T WANT HER TO LEAVE. It hurts so much and I don't know how to cope and importantly, give her the space she needs.

I feel like I've lost her.

Me and her dad have a good relationship, but 30 years in and it's stale. We work in full time stressful jobs so difficult to follow the advice of having time to reconnect etc. Quite frankly, the grief overshadows everything.

Why do I feel like this? She's having the best time, I'm so proud, why is it killing me?

Is there a thread for uni parents

OP posts:

Meadowlands · 26/12/2023 22:10

I felt the same OP, totally bereft.
But believe me, it does get easier over time.

Original poster

ThesecondLEM · 26/12/2023 22:15

It had started to become bearable in the last month, not sure if this was me aligning myself with her being away or because she was due home.

Before she left I was as excited as she was and honestly was not expecting to feel so devastated, it hit me like a train and now she hasn't even gone back yet but I can feel it so acutely already.

I'm sure you are right though. It's a positive thing.

OP posts:

NightisdarkandfullofterrorsGOT · 26/12/2023 22:16

Letting go is so hard - totally understand, nobody prepares you for this, so much harder than toddler tears or sleepless nights.

ilovebreadsauce · 26/12/2023 22:16

My dd ( last of 4 dc) started at uni last term so we are now empty nesters after having 29 years of chikdren at home.But my dds accommodation is truly horribke and her housemates are not nice and she has been facetiming me in tears most days.she is only just beginning to nake new friends ti hang out with .
I woukd have given anythung for her to be as happy as your dd.
But it us entireky reasonabke to message every day i think.Even my eldest ds28 who is married, we communicate every day

Original poster

ThesecondLEM · 26/12/2023 22:19

Yes, I understand, my friends son isn't enjoying his course and therefore is loving being at home. So I an truly thankful that dd has found what appears to be a good bunch of house mates. Hopefully your dd will find her people next year and her experience improves.

OP posts:

bare · 26/12/2023 22:25

There is this thread running for first year uni student parents.

They settle in and we miss them. Uni Starters 2023 - Thread 2 www.mumsnet.com/Talk/higher_education/4920878-they-settle-in-and-we-miss-them-uni-starters-2023-thread-2

Sunflower8848 · 26/12/2023 22:25

I’m sorry you are going through this loss and grieving process. You saw her everyday of her life from the time she was born, her first breath, and now it’s almost like that relationship and closeness has ended. I hope you have the space and support to cry and be sad. It’s hard.

Acinonyx2 · 26/12/2023 22:27

Our dd also first term uni. It's very tough for us - me I think especially. I Whatsapp pretty much every day but it's an exchange of food and cat photos basically - to get proof of life ;) She's home - but not really 'here' a lot of the time - online with friends mostly. It's not just the physical distance - this is a big change and separation. Also married nearly 30 years - yes, leaves a big gap, big changes.

VegeBurgers · 26/12/2023 22:29

I understand. The rational part of me is happy they have become independent and don’t need me I wouldn’t want a toddler anymore, I don’t want them to be little again. I want them to be doing exciting things and meeting new people.
BUT the irrational/mum part of me wants to spend all my time with them, I don’t want to share them or to have my own life, I loved all the baby and toddler years, it’s all gone too quickly.

theduchessofspork · 26/12/2023 22:32

It can be really hard and sad, and you have to let yourself feel that.

I know you know this, but the fact she can’t wait to get back and isn’t hiding that is just a reflection of her age - it’s normal for people her age to want to cut the ties with their parents. She will likely come back a bit.

The grief does get easier, but the main cure for it is to see this as a new chapter in your life as well as hers. It genuinely is, so what do you want to do with it?

Eyeballpaula · 26/12/2023 22:34

You should be proud, she's taken that first big step to flying the nest. That's how its supposed to go right?

It's normal for her to want to get back, in fact it's a sign of how much she has grown. Soak up having her at home whilst she is back and language to come and visit her.be interested in her new life and friends

It's also time for you to grow in a new stage of life. Try something new, reconnect with old friends.
It's OK for it to be painful though, it's a grief of sorts

yummumto3girls · 26/12/2023 22:37

So sorry you are feeling like this, as others have said, it does get easier. I cried every time I dropped her back to Uni for at least the first two years! Be glad she is happy and doing well, and sounds like she is being very responsible. It’s still early for her and she will come to appreciate home more. The next terms go quickly and then she will be home for Easter and I long summer break.

Yert · 26/12/2023 22:46

I think part of it is also the fact that when they go you realise that you have got very little in common with your DH. A lot of divorces happen around this time

43ontherocksporfavor · 26/12/2023 22:53

DD1 went 200 miles away for uni and loved it. I still had DD2 at home which helped. When DD1 came home it could be difficult as she was used to being independent and she’d be so eager to go back. Then Covid hit and she was back from March 2020. -October. So as soon as she could go back and enjoy uni under some restrictions she did and I learned to be glad she was able to go out in the world and live unhampered by a flippin pandemic! She’s now graduated and lives and works in London but is home for Christmas. I have found our relationship is better now but i don’t text her more than once or twice a week.

43ontherocksporfavor · 26/12/2023 22:56

I’ve actually enjoyed more time with DH but we did have to adjust. DD2 decided against uni and is working now and living with us still but is often out and has a bf so we can plan lots of stuff just for us and I love it.

Peoplemakemedespair · 26/12/2023 22:56

I know you’d never wish her to do badly, but perhaps you weren’t expecting her to do so well and be so successful at it? Maybe thinking she’d end up back home again, but at the moment it’s not looking likely. I’d take the time in the next couple of terms accepting the fact she’s probably permanently flown the nest, and be very careful not to pester her or be overbearing which she already says you’re doing now, it’ll make her not want to talk to you

Original poster

ThesecondLEM · 26/12/2023 23:01

@Yert yeah, it's a worry. Part of me feels closer to DP, we have always been super close , although not without difficulties. However when he tries to make me feel better by saying its time for us to enjoy each other more, it's all I can do not to scream at him, I don't want you, I want DD.

I can't say I'm noticing a new found freedom. It's a financial strain as dd's loan doesn't even cover her accommodation so there's not much spare for us to go find ourselves again .

We'll be OK, he's my Rock but doesn't cope well when I'm down due to my history of mental illness, thankfully under control now, I'm aware I have to be careful. Partly why I'm reaching out here as he has his own grief to deal with

OP posts:

bobotothegogo · 26/12/2023 23:02

My mum was always closer to my brothers, or so I thought. Yet she was visibly distraught when I left home for uni at 18.
I remember surprising her at Christmas time, coming home earlier than planned and she was so happy!
This period really brought us together and appreciate each other.

Original poster

ThesecondLEM · 26/12/2023 23:04

I honestly never thought she'd want to go, however she is doing everything I've dreamed of for her. I just wish she needed me still (other than bank of mum and dad)

OP posts:

BeaRF75 · 26/12/2023 23:05

Texting every day sounds an awful lot, and very suffocating for the young adult away at university. Once a week contact always used to be about the average.... could you start to cut down a bit, to that sort of level, OP? It sounds like you need some new interests to divert your attention - this is your chance to have a bit of a fresh start and see yourself as more than just a parent.

Original poster

ThesecondLEM · 26/12/2023 23:11

Definitely going to cut down on the messages when she goes back. She's pretty good and always answes, albeit with one word, im just going to stick to when I've actually got something to share.

OP posts:

Thejackrussellsrule · 26/12/2023 23:16

My daughter moved 3.5 hours drive away, it felt strange not to see her everyday and share tit bits of gossip like we did when she lived at home.

We started coffee break chats, one of us will message to see if the other is about, we grab a coffee and facetime, it's a lot less intense than a phone call as you don't have to fill silences, which can feel awkward on a call.

She's finished uni now, she still lives 2 hours away so coffee break chats continue.

Kindly, you need to explore what you enjoy and makes you happy, be brave, you've got this.

fortyfifty · 26/12/2023 23:18

It's really hard not to be so needed anymore even if you are really happy that your DC is doing well. We spend years in that mode of looking out for our offspring and putting our own lives aside to do what is best for them and it all comes.to a sudden crashing end. Getting used to it is not going to be instant. It's a process. It takes time.

It sounds like you are a reasonable person and know what you should be doing/thinking. But,it still takes time to adjust regardless of how much you know in your head is the right way to be.

Give yourself time. Baby steps. Make a date to go and see he and revel in her new found independence.

Nearly everyone experiences their child acting like this the first time they are home from uni. This behaviour can last the whole of the first year, but it mostly changes and becomes more normal. You'll both find the right pattern of dependent child/independent adult as time goes on.

TrixieFatell · 26/12/2023 23:28

My eldest is preparing to go to uni this year and I'm already emotional at the thought of it. I'm obviously delighted she's living her life, and doing what she wants to do but we will all miss her so much.

Original poster

ThesecondLEM · 26/12/2023 23:31

Thank you everyone, this is just what I need to hear. Its good to get confirmation that her wanting to get back is normal. It's made me feel like a rubbish parent if she doesn't want to be with me

OP posts:

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