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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel bereft now DD at university

51 replies

ThesecondLEM · 26/12/2023 22:06

Hello, I'm a returning member reaching out as I need somewhere to discuss my feelings and always found mumsnet a great support it's a lot, sorry.

So my DD started at university this year, I am honestly SO proud of her. She is dyslexic and struggles(ed) socially. Yet she smashed her GCSEs, surprised us with wanting to go to university. Not only that, to go AWAY to university. This is the girl who sat alone in class (her choice), too shy to order stuff in shops/talk to people she doesn't know.

Now she's gone 400 miles away and appears to be thriving. She's joined societies, is friends with her house mates and is living her best life. I couldn't be more thrilled and proud.

BUT like many others I am sure, the pain of separation is like nothing I have ever experienced and I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready.

She responds to my WhatsApp messages, but has said she does find it annoying as I message each day. OK fine, I'll rein this in, it became a habit, in my mind I wanted her to know I was thinking of her. We spoke twice on the phone, maybe three times but she doesn't like talking on the phone.

She's home for Christmas and it's been nice, it's like she hadn't left -she has exams on her return so spent today revising and plans to go back for new year so she has a clear week of revision. She isn't sure if anyone else will be back but would welcome any parties I think. She isn't a clubber and hates crowds but I think she is enjoying her social life which is fantastic.

I am however, hurt that she can't seem to wait to get back. I don't want to feel like this. She is doing her dream course in a place she loves and is perfect for her studies. But I DON'T WANT HER TO LEAVE. It hurts so much and I don't know how to cope and importantly, give her the space she needs.

I feel like I've lost her.

Me and her dad have a good relationship, but 30 years in and it's stale. We work in full time stressful jobs so difficult to follow the advice of having time to reconnect etc. Quite frankly, the grief overshadows everything.

Why do I feel like this? She's having the best time, I'm so proud, why is it killing me?

Is there a thread for uni parents

OP posts:
Squiggles23 · 26/12/2023 23:38

Hi @ThesecondLEM,

I just wanted to say don’t forget for her it’s probably a huge excitement of finding herself a bit/finding people that she likes and fits in with etc. Coming back to her hometown where she didn’t have the happiest time at school can be hard and feel a bit difficult. That is probably why she’s ‘itching’ to get back. She will look forward to coming home and seeing you and being looked after but also have mixed feelings probably.

Have you gone to visit her at uni yet? Could you plan a trip to go and see her and stay over one weekend mid way through the term? I think that can really help to break up such a long term.

Remember the summers are so long she’s bound to be around a lot more then.

Would you consider getting a dog (or other pet). I think sometimes a total distraction and new vibe around the house could really help. Also a great way to meet new people. Plus gives you a good excuse to send regular pics! 😉

Zanatdy · 26/12/2023 23:45

Not sure if you’re in the WIWIKAU Facebook group. But if not I’d recommend joining. There was a post tonight about a kid going back already as they miss their life at Uni and home is boring now! Honestly as the parent of a very shy and introverted 15yr old DD I’d be jumping from the rooftops if she was like this at Uni.

DS is in year 2 and loving it, joined all the sports clubs. I do miss him when he’s at Uni, I don’t miss all the washing he produces or having to cook different homemade dishes for him every evening (he can cook of course, but I guess I spoil him when he’s home, DD cooks her own food through choice). Now is the time for you to start building a life for yourself again, outside of being a mother. I threw myself into work and got a promotion and I’ve joined a walking group and we are out 3 x week, which includes drinks at pubs, lovely lunches at country pubs after a 5 mile walk, and most importantly new local friend and widening my social circle. It’s on you now to pick yourself up and dust yourself off (and it’s ok to miss your DD and feel sad that chapter of parenthood is done, but she will always need you in some way) and build a new life. You’ll feel a lot happier for it. Your DD is a young person loving life and doesn’t need mum right now, but she will be back, and need you again in the future I’m sure.

Original poster
ThesecondLEM · 26/12/2023 23:46

We have a dog and have inherited dd's snake. I've spent hours sitting with the snake, who tolerates her new mum ok. Dog has been my saviour.

OP posts:
NaughtybutNice77 · 27/12/2023 00:34

I've heard people say they miss their children when they move out but this is a real eye opener and im not sure its healthy. I'm shocked you're contacting her every day! Could partvof this be less about the grief of missing her and more about the futility of your own life. Are you having an existential crisis and just hanging it to this mast?

Original poster
ThesecondLEM · 27/12/2023 00:37

I mean, my life is one big existential crisis 🙃 you could be onto something there.

OP posts:
madroid · 27/12/2023 00:55

Yes to existential crisis when you have your empty nest fir the first time, but don't feel like you have to pay attention to it or solve it in anyway!

What I've learnt over the decade or so since mine all left after 30 odd years of school runs etc is that they come back and keep needing you in different ways as time passes.

So you do need to adjust and get used to new routines and may be try few new things but you will find perhaps the changes aren't as massive as you first thought over time.

Try to relax and not worry about it longer term. You will find an equilibrium naturally over the next few months.

In the meantime you need some nice things arranged for next week to focus on and each week for the next month or two. Sit down with dh and plan them!

WandaWonder · 27/12/2023 00:58

It is perfectly normal to miss kids and what life was like before but you seem obsessed for her sake calm it down

43ontherocksporfavor · 27/12/2023 09:18

Not sure if uni terms are now semesters but when DD was there it was only 28 weeks I think and home for a month at Christmas and Easter plus the June to late September summer! I soon got over missing her.😂

marshmallowfinder · 27/12/2023 09:33

Blimey OP. It's mad to message daily. Poor girl. You're just locked into this way of thinking which is doing you no good at all. I miss them, but I just get on with life. It could be far worse, it really could.

43ontherocksporfavor · 27/12/2023 10:28

OP I could understand if she was hating it and having a bad time as some do but what helped me was knowing my Dd was realising her dream. How could I be unhappy about that? I think you need to try to reset for January. I always shed a tear when she left because you just get used to them being home again and part of your life and then they go. But so then look to enjoy my own time again

Original poster
ThesecondLEM · 27/12/2023 13:21

It is interesting that many of you said messaging every day is bad.

I'm on a parents of uni starters group on Facebook and it's very much the norm. this kind of fueled it more i think.

Definitely going to step back. God thisis so hard.

OP posts:
Squiggles23 · 27/12/2023 15:49

All families are different @ThesecondLEM but it wouldn’t have been normal in mine. I think it depends if it’s just a sending a silly pic of the dog or trying to ask how she is all the time etc.

No right or wrong but if she’s mentioned its too often would be worth trying to relax a bit.

43ontherocksporfavor · 27/12/2023 19:40

My DD probably messaged me / Responded to me once every 3 days at uni. Now she’s 23 and lives away, I’ll text every week .

43ontherocksporfavor · 27/12/2023 19:41

We had/ have a family group WhatsApp which takes the pressure off. I could see if she’d read a message ( she’s alive) even if she didn’t respond.

43ontherocksporfavor · 27/12/2023 19:43

I did take up snap chat for a short while so I could see where she was on snap maps but that’s not really nice and I also panicked if I saw her near the woods at 2am!!!

Eyeballpaula · 27/12/2023 20:52

I don't think once a day is too much necessarily, it depends on what works for you and her. I rang my parents about twice the first term and used to email them about once a week.

My housemate rang her mum 5x day. I have absolutely no idea what they spoke about! That would be smothering to me, but a twice a term call would be bizarre for her.

The family what's app is a good idea - less pressure.

junebirthdaygirl · 27/12/2023 21:40

It's a sign of good parenting that she is so happy and settling so well. She is secure..which comes from home. So no more doubting there!
Do you remember being that age and loving to get away/ have parties/ meet new friends but knowing your dear old parents were there in the background and that gave you a solid feeling.
Wanting to go back is so normal as they don't want to miss anything.
Try and do something new for yourself. Kids like to see you busy and not depending on them.
She will be back every now and then and gradually your relationship will be a more adult one which is equally as enjoyable.
I have 3 adults now and they are regularly back but also busy in their own lives.
I keep my own interests going and that means my life can be hectic leaving no time for feeling sad. Sometimes l can barely fit them in and they have to chase me for calls!!

Original poster
ThesecondLEM · 31/12/2023 05:52

So DD decided to stay a few extra days and we had a night out last night. Lubricated by a few cocktails she chatted about uni life a little more and she is clearly having the time of her life.

This has made me feel a lot better about waving her off tomorrow as the anxious mum in me pictured her lonely in her room as she really is a loner and struggles socially, or did!

We spoke about contact and I have promised to rein in the daily check ins. I asked about phone calls but she remains reticent as she does not enjoy talking on the phone, this has upset me a bit if I'm honest but it is so blatantly clear to me that this is more about her trying to establish independence but still immature .

Needn't have worried about feeding herself, she's cooked for us and it was bloody lively, she clearly has a knack for it . She is still working through the 3kg bags of pasta and rice she bought herself at the beginning of term Grin.

She has exams immediately on the start of term next week so has pretty much been revising constantly. She will have a full week to revise back at uni.

I'm going to miss her, but she's fierce and smashing it, she's going to be OK 💪 😍

OP posts:
Squiggles23 · 31/12/2023 10:00

Lovely to hear this @ThesecondLEM!

It’s lovely how close you guys are. Would she FaceTime or is that the same as a call in her eyes? I would definitely book yourself a mid term trip to visit if you are allowed!

marshmallowfinder · 31/12/2023 18:18

ThesecondLEM · 27/12/2023 13:21

It is interesting that many of you said messaging every day is bad.

I'm on a parents of uni starters group on Facebook and it's very much the norm. this kind of fueled it more i think.

Definitely going to step back. God thisis so hard.

The kind of parents who don't message every day, won't go on such Facebook groups! You are mixing with extreme worriers on there.

43ontherocksporfavor · 31/12/2023 18:19

Agree

Gherkingreen · 31/12/2023 18:27

It sounds like she's thriving and that's not just down to her - it's down to your hard work parenting her so far. Perhaps your concerns were more about your fear for how she would settle in, given her experiences as a teen and at school - then when she copes and thrives, you're not quite sure what to do with that?
Let her lead the way - follow her journey side by side, or even a step behind; be the safety net if she ever needs it.
DS1 is in his second year now and is loving life but my god it was brutal when I had to leave him in his small halls room as a fresher, I have that moment imprinted on my heart. DS2 will go in Sept, empty nest for a bit. Bracing for impact...

flotsomandjetsome · 31/12/2023 18:33

DS is home now after his first term. He's been really lucky in that he loves his course, has great housemates and some really good friends from his sport. We are very proud of him settling in so well.

... but he broke up with his long term GF a few weeks before Christmas, and has really struggled being home, where there are so many memories of her and their relationship.
So as much as we really want to see him, I think he'll probably find it easier to move on being at uni with new friends than being here. That makes me sad he's going back early but I know it's best for him 🙁

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 31/12/2023 18:53

My second dd went this year (dd1 went 2 years ago, but is closer to home) Still have ds (16) at home, but I miss them terribly. However I am so happy that they are both enjoying uni life. In all honesty I encouraged them to move away, even though I knew it would break my heart, because I moved away to uni at their age and it was one of the best and most significant times of my life.
Living away is so so different- living with all your mates, who are available to chat any time of day and night, a social life that doesn't involve begging lifts from mum and dad, independence and freedom!! So I understand why dd2 "misses" uni! Dd1 is easier, as she can go back and forward more easily, but I love that she has made a life outside our family home too.
It really won't affect your relationship long term. If anything, it makes it stronger. They need to have this period of their life to themselves. I have so enjoyed having them both home over the holidays though!

Princessfluffy · 31/12/2023 18:55

Congrats OP on your daughter's happy and successful first term.

It's our job to help our children achieve independence but along with happiness about this there is also naturally grief.