To worry about DC’s weight

[Itsmyshadow]

I have 3 DCs aged 8, 4 and 1. DC8 and DC4 were amazing eaters as babies and toddlers, never refused anything at home or at nursery and never had a fussy phase. Despite not having any chocolate, cakes, biscuits etc until nearly 3, it was clear by age 2 DC8 was significantly plumper than other children her age. Long story short I asked nursery to reduce portion sizes a bit so she was eating less and they refused without a doctor’s intervention. After the intervention of a paediatrician and dietician nursery obliged and DC8 gradually grew into her weight. She was definitely still on the chubby side when starting school but no longer in the ‘very overweight’ category (as per NHS child BMI calculator). DC8 is an incredibly sporty child and is now very slim.

DC4 has never been quite as large as DC8 used to be, but her weight has consistently been on a higher centile than her height. A year ago I asked nursery (a different one to the one DC8 attended) to reduce her portion size as I could see her weight was going the wrong way. Nursery again refused without a professional agreement and referred me to a health visitor who over the phone took some height and weight measurements from me and said because there weren’t two full centile differences between DC’s weight and height she was fine.

DC4 is now in school and clearly overweight. I’ve measured her today and her height is on 50th centile, weight on 83rd, and NHS height/weight BMI ratio on 91st - overweight category. DC4 is the opposite of ‘big boned’, and probably has quite a small frame and therefore is probably more overweight than the stats suggest.

I’m torn about whether to worry about this. DC8 is now very slim. Everyone rolled their eyes at me (except the health professionals) about worrying about her weight. I’d no idea at the time she’d end up so sporty (plays sport 7 days per week) and she’d probably a healthy weight now even if there’s been no intervention as a toddler.

DC4 however is very girly, her play involves sitting drawing or playing with dolls, she hates sports and moans whenever we walk anywhere. I can’t see her growing into her weight in the same way without any changes. In DC8’s year all of the children who started school a bit chubby like her are now very overweight. She is the only one who has slimmed down.

So when do DH and start to make changes? Stop worrying and leave it a bit longer, or try to do something now? DC4 goes to after school club 4 days per week and so all her food and exercise on those days is controlled by someone else. It therefore feels like on the weekend big changes are going to have to be made to make an impact, when 9/10 lunches and teas are given by someone else during the week.

You can make walking interesting for kids at that age. Give them a magnifying glass, let them throw stones into a pond or a lake, or identify trees and birds using your phone or a book, get them to find things like pine cones, smooth stones, acorns, mushrooms, beetles and so on.
You can find some nature themed scavenger hunt printouts online.

Thank you and I’m sorry you have the same worries with your child. I think it’s hard for people to understand the challenge if they don’t have a child who loves food. Both my older DCs would be the first and last to leave the food table at a birthday party for example. Whilst their friends would pick at a few bits or only eat the chocolate and cakes and then run off and dance / play, both of mine would have eaten 10 sausage rolls, half a pizza and two bags of crisps if allowed. We go to a lot of kids birthday parties, I don’t think this helps!

It’s particularly hard in the winter isn’t it to focus on exercise.

@BalletBob thank you. Yes I don’t where some posters have got the idea I have food issues from or am weighing her all the time. It seems you can’t notice anything about your kids weight and be concerned about it without having issues yourself 🙄.

All - thank you for your help and advice. I do think the snacks she eats are not helping matters, not necessarily because there are too many or because they are high calorie, but because they are processed and therefore not very filling. She only has two snacks per day but when we are at home I do need to think about making one of these (to start with) something like fruit and a cracker or veg sticks and humus.

I think it's pretty normal for parents to control/police what their four year olds eat.

I'm sorry you struggle with eating (I do as well btw) but I don't know any parent who just lets their pre-school age child eat whatever they want. It's normal to ration snacks and not allow certain foods.

Your update sounds quite carby and snacky with you. Perhaps giving her snacks to keep her quiet while you hang around waiting for dc1?
I’d look at more protein and more meals at table at home and less snacking. She’s probably bored not hungry.
It’s likely to be the snacking not the meals that is an issue.

This is piss poor advice. OP has eyes in her skull and can see that her child is overweight. She wants to address eating and exercise habits. But sure, OP should ignore the issues until DD reaches an age where it's affecting her wellbeing before she steps in and does anything about it 🙄

Nobody is saying that she should conduct daily weigh-ins and ban carbs. But educating your kids about healthy choices is a basic parenting responsibility, and failing to do it because of some misguided notion that talking about food causes disordered eating is lazy and negligent. It just takes a bit of thought and proper handling, that's all.

I reduced portion sizes when I thought 4yo DS was too chunky. Not by much, and he slimmed down gradually over months after that.

@BalletBob So true! It's much easier to address when the child is young, fairly oblivious to any changes and you have control over their diet and activities.

You sound ridiculously obsessed about children’s weight OP- do you have food issues?

What a nasty thing to say to a mother who's concerned for her children's health.

If there were more parents around like the OP, childhood obesity would't have rocketed in the way it has.

Would you have been as nasty if she was worried about her DC's eyesight/teeth/hearing?

I'm sorry to hear this but have you seen how many people are struggling with disordered eating and their weight, due to being one of the 23% of primary school children who are overweight/obese???

The OP sounds like a very sensible, levelheaded parent so I'm not sure what the 'Please don't do this' is for

I also think you are doing the right thing to make changes you can now and not leave it. It's not always 'puppy fat'. Certainly my sister was overweight at 4, fat by 10 and obese by 20. She's in her 50's now and has hovered between obese and morbidly obese all her adult life. In contrast I was skinny at 4, normal at 10, chubby at puberty and through my teens and only lost weight in my 20's, ever since have had to work at it to keep at a healthy weight.

Also, whilst exercise is good fo us all and should be encouraged, 'you can't outrun a bad diet'. There are fat marathon runners in the running club I am in! I see a personal trainer and even he says its at least 80% diet if not more, in order to maintain a healthy weight. I also eat a far better diet when I have a good exercise regime in place, it's natural that it leads to better eating habits.

Agree with pp's that you need to increase protein, reduce sugar & carbs and cut down ultra processed foods, without any big song and dance about it. A peanut butter sandwich (with no additives) on good quality bread is far better and more filling snack than a cereal bar, for example.

Encouraging weight loss in children is never a good idea unless under careful medical supervision. What usually happens is that children grow into their weight as they get taller.

I know it's not a popular concept (especially on mn) but children and adults come in all shapes and sizes and that is normal.

Just love and accept your kids as perfect just as they are.

Reducing food portions, restricting food and policing treats potentially could be setting up unhealthy issues with food and body image for the future.

Don't be so ridiculous.

Most kids don't even know when their parents are feeding them a bit healthier, and helping them get more exercise.

Careful medical supervision my arse 🙄

I haven't read all the comments but I'd recommend making her a packed lunch for school, you can do hot meals as well in a thermos flask such as soup or pasta in the winter and also healthy sandwiches/wraps sliced vegetables in the summer. You'll have more control over things that way. Also agree with getting her into more activity. Has she tried horse riding ? She's young now but when as she gets older that's a very active hobby as you can help at the stables as well as a teen/pre teen.

Thank you @CheezePleeze and @NeatCompactSleeper and to everyone else who has written supportive messages.

I think she is young enough now to have no clue as to any changes to food or activity we might make but as an older child larger changes may be needed and it will be impossible to do anything without her noticing (plus there could be kids who may say mean things by that point).

My eldest has no knowledge of the efforts we put in between the ages of 2 - 5/6 to help her grow into her weight as it was all done without her knowledge (portion sizes were cut by an amount she wouldn’t notice but cumulatively over 1 year amounted to a lot of food, we took our own food to all days out, avoided pub lunches, lots of walks and running around the garden). DC8 has no issues with food or body image and is allowed to eat everything in moderation (as is her sister). They both understand that they can’t have sweets / chocolate every day as it is bad for their teeth and their health, not because it could affect their weight.

It’s harder with DC4 as I have 3 kids needs to consider so less time to dedicate to increasing exercise for one, less easy to find healthy food ideas they’ll all eat, and more difficult to limit certain foods subtly (without DC8 questioning), however I am now more motivated to try, and hopefully when the weather gets warmer it will be easier.

Thank you. I am hesitant to move away from school lunches as due to us both working that is the only hot meal she gets 4 days per week, and I wouldn’t find the time to cook something and put in a thermos (I barely find the time to batch cook enough meals for hot meals at home), however if changes at home do not have any impact over the next few months then providing her with a lunch from home is something I will do.

Definitely agree with “you can’t outrun a bad diet”. When I used to go running it was always very demoralising to see the I’d burnt off 4 chocolate digestives. Still that was a motivator in itself to not eat those digestives in the first place 🤣.

I think for DD though she only needs some very small changes. Her weight has crept up very very slowly over a long period of time so she probably only needs a tiny bit less food daily and a couple of sessions of exercise on the weekend to make the difference.

I’m in a similar situation DS aged 12, skinny and sporty, slow eater but can eat what he wants pretty much.

DD, aged 9, has always been normal weight but slightly higher weight than height centile. However in the past year or so she has started to become a bit chubby and I’ve really noticed it in the past couple of weeks (she also has a bit of cellulite at the top/back of her thigh). Fortunately, she is moderately active, swims and does gymnastics but she also goes to before and after school club where they have access to snacks. Her biggest problem is that she is absolutely obsessed with food, especially if she is bored. We don’t need to moderate her brother which makes it difficult to moderate her.

I want to talk to her about healthy eating, making good choices and (avoiding) weight gain but don’t really know how to tackle it without knocking her self esteem.

Please dont discuss it with her, at around 9 girls often start to gain weight in preparation for puberty.

Suggesting weight gain is a bad thing at a pivotal age is asking for trouble. All children gain weight, that is completely normal. Usually the weight goes on and then they grow a few cms so it evens out.

I have a dd with an ED which started as a fear of gaining weight and these types threads fill me with despair tbh.

Anorexia is caused by weight loss, the most recent evidence points to anorexia as primarily a biological illness caused by weight loss. The most common reason Girls between the age of 8-17 lose weight is because they believe that weight gain should be avoided at all costs and that thinner is always better.

To actively encourage weight loss is madness imo.

However unless you've had a child with an ED you just wouldn't understand it. However it is worth pointing out that the mortality rate for anorexia is similar to leukaemia and I'm guessing most parents wouldn't encourage any behaviours that increased the risk of leukaemia.

I have held back from discussing it with her because she seems to be confident in herself and I love that and want that confidence to remain but the older she gets the more she is able to control her own food choices and she really loves her food. I feel I would be letting her down if I don’t talk to her about it to some degree.

It's Russian roulette to talk to them about it 🤷‍♀️

If you have a happy, confident child who enjoys their food you should be thanking your lucky stars imo.

We shouldn't avoid encouraging and promoting balanced diets and active lifestyles to young children for fear or them developing an ED, obesity fucks people up biologically as well as mentally as they grow up. Sorry your daughter is poorly but this is an extremely simplistic view of anorexia and its causes.

Anorexia is caused by weight loss, the most recent evidence points to anorexia as primarily a biological illness caused by weight loss

Do you have a citation for this? This flies against pretty much all of the research of the past few decades.

''www.embs.org/pulse/articles/the-biology-behind-eating-disorders/''

This links explains how a genetic predisposition in children can trigger anorexia when weight loss occurs. Interestingly the article also explains why social isolation can cause issues with appetite which could explain why lockdown caused such a huge surge in EDs among young people (my dd included.)

That said I agree that a healthy, balanced diet and active lifestyle should be encouraged. I would suggest the best way to do this is to model a healthy relationship to food, to eat and enjoy a wide range of foods. Likewise with exercise, incorporating exercise for enjoyment into a families life will obviously be a good thing.

Telling a child you're worried about their weight or that you think they're eating too much, trying to restrict food or not allowing any treats is very risky imo.