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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Arggggh! Mothers!!

29 replies

Donm999 · 26/12/2023 19:24

Hoping for some solidarity/others with challenging family members…

DD has a birthday coming up. DM lives about 40 minutes drive away. DM has historically made a fuss about seeing my DD on her birthday. She’s also in poor health and has days she doesn’t feel up to going out.

We also have other family visiting on DDs birthday morning. Call DM and suggest that, if she’s well enough, myself or my DH will come and get her (1hr 20 round trip plus around 30+ minutes of faffing once there as she’s never ready to go and won’t be rushed). Also involves one of us repeating the round trip later that day.

I then also casually say another option is a taxi, offer to pay for it. DM then says she doesn’t feel happy in a taxi due to her poor health (first I’ve heard of this). She then says she won’t bother coming at all as I can’t be ‘bothered’ to get her and she can tell I don’t want to. I explain I would rather not take so much time out of my day with my daughter, but that understand she would like to be there too so can come get her if she won’t go in a taxi and was just offering that as an option, not saying I wouldn’t get her. She then gets stroppy, says won’t bother seeing her at all on birthday and hangs up the phone.

I’m now left feeling guilty and that I’ve upset her, and also pretty annoyed. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t…

So…
YABU - bad daughter!!
YANBU - difficult mother!!

OP posts:
Hoglet70 · 26/12/2023 19:26

She sounds like hard work!!

Justmuddlingalong · 26/12/2023 19:30

Ignore. Spend the day with your DD and when DM inevitably phones to say she's coming after all and you can ferry her around, tell her a taxi is all that's on offer.

AngelicInnocent · 26/12/2023 19:32

Honestly, let her not bother. What does your daughter get out of that kind of crap around her. Why is her day all about your mother.

I realised when my oldest was about 5 that my mother would always cause issues if someone else was centre of attention. Severely limited her opportunities from then on.

EmptyYoghurtPot · 26/12/2023 19:32

You offered a couple of suggestions, neither of which she liked. Is she angling to come and stay?

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 26/12/2023 19:34

The 30+ minutes of faffing is a control thing, btw.

Just have the day without her.

TomatoSandwiches · 26/12/2023 19:34

A taxi is absolutely fine as an option and I wouldn't be pandering to her anymore tbh.

Hatty65 · 26/12/2023 19:34

Ignore it. Don't mention the birthday again. You offered and she took the huff and behaved like a child. It's very rude to hang up on someone.

Let her phone you up first. If the subject of the birthday is raised again be casual and say, 'Oh you took the huff and put the phone down on me when I made suggestions to get you here. We've made other plans now. When you said you wouldn't bother to see DD on her birthday we took you at your word. Shame'.

Then change the subject. She can always put the phone down again if she doesn't like this attitude. Don't be guilted. Just be pleasant but firm that the offer is no longer on the table. In the long run she'll either learn her lesson (unlikely at her age) or she'll have a lot less contact with you. Either way, your life will be easier.

SunshineAndFizz · 26/12/2023 19:36

YANBU she totally sounds like hard work and that's a lot of driving time taking you away from your DC's birthday. Your DC is the priority that day.

Taxi is a perfectly reasonable suggestion. I would say to her the taxi offer stands and you'll leave the ball in her court to let you know if she's coming. Then don't ask her again.

CaineRaine · 26/12/2023 19:38

I think you’re bonkers to take that much time out of your daughter’s birthday to pander to your mum.

WhenIsSpringg · 26/12/2023 19:39

Maybe it’s not about the taxi and she just wasn’t sure that you were trying to dissuade her from coming in some way… sounds like she’s triggered by the idea of rejection. I would deal gently with her and try to clarify things.

Brefugee · 26/12/2023 19:43

how old is your mum and DD? As my mum has got more elderly her world has shrunk a lot and she really only feels comfortable at home.

Ask your DD what she wants? and then make a plan that provides the most satisfaction to DD? But blimey she's your mum and she's getting older just talk to her and tell her that it's getting difficult and maybe a video call would be better going forward?

Bottom line, though, DD should have the birthday she wants.

RatatouillePie · 26/12/2023 19:44

She sounds like my MIL. Very much the "cut off your nose to spite your face" type!

Does she have a mobile phone? If she does I'd text her saying sorry she doesn't feel well enough to come round on DDs birthday but to let you know if she changes her mind.

Original poster
Donm999 · 26/12/2023 20:08

Justmuddlingalong · 26/12/2023 19:30

Ignore. Spend the day with your DD and when DM inevitably phones to say she's coming after all and you can ferry her around, tell her a taxi is all that's on offer.

Am trying to ignore although my ‘good daughter’ mentality is struggling lol!

And she won’t call and change her mind; she is basically an emotional child so will absolutely die on this mountain and hold it against me forever!! 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
Donm999 · 26/12/2023 20:12

AngelicInnocent · 26/12/2023 19:32

Honestly, let her not bother. What does your daughter get out of that kind of crap around her. Why is her day all about your mother.

I realised when my oldest was about 5 that my mother would always cause issues if someone else was centre of attention. Severely limited her opportunities from then on.

Sounds very like mine. No matter who or what it’s about…it’s all about her.

Made the mistake of having her at DDs friend party last year (after she’d kicked off about not being there the year before that!). She sat like ‘the queen of Sheba’ (according to a close friend of mine at the party) asking me to fetch her drinks etc and then moaned DD didn’t spend time with her….she was 4 and surrounded by play stuff and friends!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Donm999 · 26/12/2023 20:13

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 26/12/2023 19:34

The 30+ minutes of faffing is a control thing, btw.

Just have the day without her.

Interesting - I thought I’d got wise(r) to her control plays but may have missed this one!

OP posts:
SeaToSki · 26/12/2023 20:13

Can you manage to congratulate yourself? You were generous, you were thoughtful and you established a boundary and held it. You did really well. Now you just need to do the final bit which is to not fall into the guilt trap and allow your mother to finagle you into feeling bad about yourself.

Think about how you want to bring up your DD to handle people who are all drama and guilt like your mother. SHOW her how to be kind, have boundaries and to take a deep breath and move on when the person she is trying to be nice to isnt nice back.

Original poster
Donm999 · 26/12/2023 20:16

WhenIsSpringg · 26/12/2023 19:39

Maybe it’s not about the taxi and she just wasn’t sure that you were trying to dissuade her from coming in some way… sounds like she’s triggered by the idea of rejection. I would deal gently with her and try to clarify things.

Possibly true as she is very very sensitive. However she also has form for drama and being completely unreasonable so it’s really hard to ever work through any issue in a calm way. I tried calming reassuring and explaining on the phone but it just didn’t help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Donm999 · 26/12/2023 20:17

CaineRaine · 26/12/2023 19:38

I think you’re bonkers to take that much time out of your daughter’s birthday to pander to your mum.

Thanks. That’s weirdly helpful 🤣

think I need to try and let go of some very ingrained patterns of behaviour and emotion when it comes to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Donm999 · 26/12/2023 20:21

SeaToSki · 26/12/2023 20:13

Can you manage to congratulate yourself? You were generous, you were thoughtful and you established a boundary and held it. You did really well. Now you just need to do the final bit which is to not fall into the guilt trap and allow your mother to finagle you into feeling bad about yourself.

Think about how you want to bring up your DD to handle people who are all drama and guilt like your mother. SHOW her how to be kind, have boundaries and to take a deep breath and move on when the person she is trying to be nice to isnt nice back.

Thank you that’s a really kind and helpful reply. I did manage to keep my cool and calmly explain (to no avail!) without getting triggered into getting emotional. It’s just left me with the aftermath of feeling crappy. I will try and stick to my guns though as continually pandering to her had done my mental health no good over the years!

OP posts:
Lizzieregina · 26/12/2023 20:22

She’s a drama queen.

I’d maybe offer to bring your daughter for a visit some day reasonably close to her birthday. Then they can have one on one time.

I’m not a grandma yet but am old enough to be one! I’d never do that to my child or grandchild.

TomatoSandwiches · 26/12/2023 20:24

Donm999 · 26/12/2023 20:13

Interesting - I thought I’d got wise(r) to her control plays but may have missed this one!

Show quote history

It's her way of saying, you will wait for ME because I am the more Important person, I will not be on time for YOU because your time is not a worthy consideration to me.

It's horrible really.

SeaToSki · 26/12/2023 20:42

It sounds like your mother has some narcissistic tendencies. Have a look at this web site and see if you can find some tips and techniques that might help you

https://psychcentral.com/relationships/narcissist-arguing#tips-for-responding

IMHO there isnt any winning when dealing with relatives like this, there is just management and trying to keep up your confidence in yourself and your actions and therefore minimise how much you let them bring you down. And the key to this is managing yourself. No one can reach inside you and make you think or feel in a particular way. As hard as it is to hear, you control your own reactions.

5 Toxic Arguing Techniques Narcissists Use

Do you find yourself in arguments with someone who uses narcissistic tactics? It helps to know what they might say and how to respond effectively.

https://psychcentral.com/relationships/narcissist-arguing#tips-for-responding

Makegoodchoices · 26/12/2023 20:44

My mum is slightly on the dramatic side (prone to silent treatment/storming off) but if anyone is good enough to make an arrangement to pick her up she sits in her coat at the expected pick up time and has never made us wait at all. This is polite.

Heronwatcher · 26/12/2023 20:53

Ignore her. Be very pleasant and see her with your DD another time. But do not pander to her/ apologise/ change the arrangements unless she specifically asks you to. It was clear you were only offering the taxi as an alternative and you’ve done nothing wrong, plus the day is about your DD and not her. You need to set boundaries now before she gets worse as she gets older.

Original poster
Donm999 · 26/12/2023 21:02

@SeaToSki thank you for the link. I’ve been reading a book about mothers with narcissistic traits as had come to the same conclusion as you. Some of it is spot in for her and explains so much. It’s helped me not to rise to it quite as much, though it’s hard!

OP posts: