FIL comment Christmas Day

[meegsmalone]

I’ll keep this short. My sister died 4 months ago and I’ve struggled with her loss, especially as the circumstances were terrible.

Yesterday was harder than I anticipated. We went to see in laws and I tried to put on a brave face and chat as if everything was normal, however in between comment conversation I might have looked a bit sad as I honestly felt myself on the verge of tears it held back. We were all sitting in the living room and my FIL called me out in front of everyone saying “you don’t look very happy [my name]. I just responded something like “Oh no, I’m fine”. The more I think about it though, the more annoyed I feel at his comment was so unfair given what he knows I’ve been through this year.

*but held back

Did he mean it unkindly

I am so sorry forvyour loss but do you think he was being malicious and trying to upset you?

You should have said, "Of course, my sister has died" - that would have shut him up.

I'm so sorry for you. It's awful to lose a sibling, especially under difficult circumstances.

I am very sorry for your loss and obviously don't know what your relationship with your FIL is normally like.

It sounds as if you were looking sad, FIL comments on it, potentially in a caring way. This was your opportunity to say something like 'Just thinking about my sister' or 'Christmas really brings out the emotions, thinking about everyone who won't be here again'

I wouldn't take one comment as being mean, but it is tough when you are grieving.

Unless he has form for being a twat, I would assume he just wasn't thinking.

He’s a twonk! Don’t think about it. I think lots of people just don’t appreciate what other people are going through at any given time.

Was it "calling you out" or just being concerned about you?

I'm sorry for your loss op. X
Could it have just slipped his mind op? With all the hoohaa of xmas?
Yes insensitive but not intentional I'd say...I would hope..

He might know what you've been through, but won't be permanently thinking about it. He's made a thoughtless comment. All it would have needed was "I was just missing X". There's no need for any of the suggested aggressive responses. I'm of the opinion that if you can't be civil because of grief, better to not attend. I say that as someone whose grandad died in Christmas Eve and who's been widowed.

Your FIL was totally out of order.

Your grief is at the forefront of your mind, but not his. He made a stupid comment but it doesn’t mean he is intentionally trying to hurt you.

Why was he? He was concerned about OP. Why is that out of order? Nobody called anybody out

Some people are really thick headed. If someone looked down, calling it out in front of everyone is absolutely never the right thing to do! My condolences 💐 I hope you have good support around you 💜

I think he’s just not made the link and didn’t do it with any bad intention

Agree with this

Honestly no, I don’t think it meant it in a nasty way. I gather he was just being thoughtless, which I honestly don’t think is great either.

I just feel that if he was concerned he could have waited until we were alone and then asked, but instead he asked me in front of a room full of people and everyone was staring at me awaiting a response, he was so awkward

Don't ruminate on it. He called out a comment without thinking and you deflected it.

Put it out your head now and give it no more thought. It's not worth it.

How have you come to that conclusion? We've been told one sentence that he said with no extra context

Most (if not all) people are thoughtless at least some of the time. He was unlikely to be thinking about your sister or your tough year.

For you it was an embarrassing calling out. For him it was a kind checking in.

It's not worth thinking about anymore.

Was it his way of asking if you were okay/wanted to talk?

You guys are absolutely right, it’s not worth thinking about anymore. It just really sucked at the time is all

I personally think losing someone near and dear to you in questionable circumstances is incredibly hard and even more so during this time of year.

It would have been more thoughtful to have approached his daughter in law privately instead of openly publicly shouting out "you don't look happy!" It was totally unnecessary and inappropriate.

It does suck. Everything sucks when you lose someone close.

Everyone loves that 'stop the clocks' poem and there's a reason. You want everyone else and everything else to change because your life has changed out of all recognition.

So sorry OP

Sorry for your loss OP. I doubt he was being mean or deliberately thoughtless. I'd give him a pass on tbis one. What did your partner say?