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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

FIL comment Christmas Day

36 replies

meegsmalone · 26/12/2023 17:46

I’ll keep this short. My sister died 4 months ago and I’ve struggled with her loss, especially as the circumstances were terrible.

Yesterday was harder than I anticipated. We went to see in laws and I tried to put on a brave face and chat as if everything was normal, however in between comment conversation I might have looked a bit sad as I honestly felt myself on the verge of tears it held back. We were all sitting in the living room and my FIL called me out in front of everyone saying “you don’t look very happy [my name]. I just responded something like “Oh no, I’m fine”. The more I think about it though, the more annoyed I feel at his comment was so unfair given what he knows I’ve been through this year.

OP posts:

HeddaGarbled · 26/12/2023 18:07

Perhaps he was being sympathetic 🤷‍♀️

mamacorn1 · 26/12/2023 18:08

Sadly OP you’ll get this. My beautiful sister died last year and some days I just can’t face it all. I have had people say the most stupid things to me. I just say “it’s hard to be happy all the time with an empty chair at the table” and then I compose myself and move on. People aren’t trying to be nasty, I think they just forget that you are suffering and grieving and that there is no quick fix for a life without someone so important to you.

sending hugs OP.

weebarra · 26/12/2023 18:08

I'm sorry for your loss. My sister died in traumatic circumstances 4 years ago and I still find Christmas hard. I think he was just being thoughtless.

Fizzadora · 26/12/2023 18:23

The first year of events is always hard after someone has died, especially if its in difficult circumstances but you need to remember this is hardest for you and your sister's immediate family, not anyone else.
I am not sure why now, long after the event, you feel more annoyed about what your FIL said and why has it made you feel so uncomfortable?
Presumably "everyone" that you refer to was your DH's family so your family by extension and people who care about you but they are his family, not yours and simply not affected by your sister's death. They are aware of it, but it is some months ago now and it's likely they have not even really thought about it since it happened.
You simply cannot expect others to be aware of your ongoing feelings about something that really has nothing to do with them.
It sounds a bit like you are trying to find something to fall out about. I hope not because he sounds quite caring to me.
Perhaps also remember that older people can tend to be less self absorbed and emotive and far more pragmatic about life, death and hardship than younger generations and are more used to "putting a face on" in front of others.
As others have said if you had responded truthfully that you were missing your sister, you might have elicited some sympathetic words or a consoling hug and you would be thinking about the whole interaction in a different light, if at all.

Original poster

meegsmalone · 26/12/2023 19:53

“I think you are trying to find something to fall out about”

No…..simply no 🙄

That’s honestly all I can think so say to such a pathetic and utterly ridiculous comment.

OP posts:

Tawlk · 26/12/2023 19:56

I’m so sorry for your loss, he may not have been thinking before he spoke. I have a few men of a certain age in my life and they would absolutely make this mistake but would be horrified when they realise their mistake. Someone else should have pulled him up on it in private so he could apologise to you x

festivepains · 26/12/2023 20:00

meegsmalone · 26/12/2023 17:56

Honestly no, I don’t think it meant it in a nasty way. I gather he was just being thoughtless, which I honestly don’t think is great either.

I just feel that if he was concerned he could have waited until we were alone and then asked, but instead he asked me in front of a room full of people and everyone was staring at me awaiting a response, he was so awkward

He probably didn't mean to put you on the spot. Was it a family group? If so they might be all quite close and see you as family but forget that doesn't mean you might want to share your feelings with everyone

weebarra · 26/12/2023 20:20

Fizzadora, while I understand what you are saying, I don't think it's 'self absorbed' to be sad about the death of a sibling only 5 months after the event.
My in laws are my family, so my sister's death mattered to them too, in the same way that I sympathised with my MIL when she lost her own sister.

pictoosh · 26/12/2023 20:25

Yabu. I am sorry you were feeling your sister's loss today (doesn't Christmas just evoke all the feels?) but I don't imagine your fil meant any offence. He probably wasn't thinking about what you've been through...and why would he be? He'll be thinking about his own Christmas and goings on.

Poppyseason · 26/12/2023 20:53

I'm sorry you experienced such an awful loss @meegsmalone He I'm sure said it without thought and not meaning hurt. I am not surprised you found Christmas hard.

Thecatmaster · 26/12/2023 22:55

Am so sorry for your loss. Christmas is an especially difficult time if you've lost someone. My sister is terminally ill (alcoholic, mid forties with end stage liver failure and NC with any family). Christmas, especially the run up to it, is very sad. You have my sympathy. I think that it was a thoughtless blurted out comment. Ignore the poster saying that you were spoiling for a fight. That was just a very odd comment designed to hurt. You have to wonder about people who post things like that.

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