What's hard about your relationship?

[Tiffincake]

Recently single and 3 long-term relationships behind me. Not sure I can go through it all again.. I'd like to have a family though.
However being single atm I feel so free. I don't mean free as in sexually available, but in the sense of doing whatever I want, eating what I like, choosing how I spend my evenings, that sort of thing.
Not having to constantly worry about whether I'm making enough effort, whether he'll commit, whether he'll go off me, do we spend enough time together, that sort of thing. Also the in laws..
Do you find anything hard in your relationship? I feel like the right relationship shouldn't be, however so much is compromise and effort.

Having a DSD is hard. There's a lot of baggage to deal with.

I feel like the first 5 years ish were hard, compromising, really learning who each other are, seeing each other warts and all etc. I think this is where the hard work was-we both decided if the good outweighed the bad in each of us, I suppose.

We are 20 years in now and it is easy. We know who each other are, what to expect etc. Very happy.

I find my ILs hard work. Lots of strong personalities trying do get their way and I also have to spend a lot of time with them. I'd love to be free of all that.

I don't like sharing my life with a man in general anymore. Football, TV , food, the mess, the snoring. I'd love to be single basically!

I’m 30 years in now.

Im an antisocial introvert.
I have children.

I find constant company hard.

The continuous weight of responsibility to provide a clean, warm home.

What will we all eat for dinner? How to get the bedding dry as it needs changing and washing? Are the school and work uniforms clean, dry and ready for school and work on Monday? What will they all have for lunch? How do I get everyone out of the downstairs so I can vacuum? The bathroom needs cleaning, towels changing, when did the youngest last have a shower?

Who needs to get where? After school football, swimming, can I finish work a bit earlier because it is tipping down outside and the youngest will get drenched walking home.

It’s ALL for other people. Every thing I do is for others.

Even a bath with an audiobook is interrupted by by banging on the door because someone needs a piss.

Im glad, so so glad that I had an AWSOME, fucking amazing time of my life before we got married and even considered kids.
We travelled, saw the world, renovated a house, partied, ate, drank, slept… oh my god I slept and slept! I worked up the ladder career wise and was ready to lay it all down to dedicate myself totally to… everyone else.

So here I am, finding it hard.

Gosh don't you sound like fun.... you're meant to be enjoying both sides of the rainbow you know

Yep. Fun.
Sorry, who said I’m supposed to be enjoying “both sides of the rainbow”, I don’t recall being told that was a rule.

Everything @MrsNandortheRelentless said.

With added expectation that not only are you now responsible for entirely dedicating yourself to others but it is expected that you will do it for no appreciation, recognition and without complaint. Failure to conform to this will have you deemed unwomanly.

Why couldn't you eat what you wanted before?

I could cook if I wanted to, not if I couldn’t be bothered before, now I have to cook to feed people who need feeding. I don’t have a choice.

They all have personal food likes and dislikes so it’s never ever straight forward. I have all of these things to consider… every meal time.

I could eat what I want but my ex liked a fresh homemade meal on the table every night, whether that was prepared by me or him, so sometimes rather than buying/prepping two separate things it was easier to eat together.

I don't think I appreciated it enough when I was single.
I love solitude. I don't like other people being in my space. I have a constant bad back from having to share a bed. I don't like the food my husband cooks . My husband annoys me so much most of the time.
I can totally understand the feeling of freedom the op gets from being single.

I Sometimes feel envious of old people who live alone . I don't want to end my marriage but I don't want to spend the rest of my life with another person.

I've found it therapeutic to type that out .

Not having enough “me” time.
Having to compromise
A difficult ex (his side)

@MrsNandortheRelentless
Think this sums up what it is like for most married women I know.

The hardest part of my relationship was having one.
The best part was ending it now been happy single for 6 years.
Blissful.

Agreed, i have had the same conversation repeatedly with friends in relationships with children.

Genuinely, nothing is hard about my relationship so far. We won’t be getting married or having kids though (through choice). I was happily single and planning to remain so but happened to meet him and he slotted perfectly into my life. I haven’t had to make any compromises at all. He does all the cooking too! If it stops feeling so easy and natural then I’ll happily return to being single.

Its this time of the year i see and hear of more breakups and divorces.

I like having my own space so it's been difficult sharing a home with another person. But pre-dc I wfh so at least I had the house to myself while DH was out during office hours. I think if I lived alone and with no dc I'd probably have some lazier dinners, whereas once I lived with DH we'd have more proper meals every night (which is definitely healthier but sometimes I miss trashy food).

We had dcs after quite a few years of living together, and I didn't worry too much about carrying the mental load or doing all the housekeeping before having dc. I did what I wanted most evenings. Now I do have the responsibility for 2 young dcs, and I'm a sahm (my preference) so most of it falls to me. But you don't have to have dc just because you're in a relationship, so all of that stuff needn't be an issue if there are no dcs to worry about.

In answer to your question - what I find hard is communication. Having to explain things, hoping you don't need to explain things, expecting explanations that never come. Misjudging and misreading. Feeling like we don't really get each other deep down. Lots of stuff is great: support, trust, loyalty, humour, mutual admiration, tolerance, etc. But I think it's down to coincidence rather than good communication when things work out well.

My IL's are nightmares honestly snd he works a lot, but he's worth it! I adore the bones of him and our little family.

Having to bear in mind someone else’s needs on top of your own.

Christmases we’re exhausting and expensive. I’ve now spent that time and money on myself, clothing delivered to my home… and some delicious M&S bites for one.

It’s nice to have rest.

I would do it for someone who loves me, but never ever again for selfish critical oafs.

I wouldn't say my relationship is hard. Having children is hard as there's a lot of work associated with that, and without DH I wouldn't have had more children. But in general he makes my life easier not harder.

I think hmm the most annoying thing is when someone moves things around and you'd put them somewhere specific for a reason. They aren't aware of that so they don't know.

And when I buy stuff to share and he has more than half. (Though doesn't happen that often and I can just say and he'll leave it alone).

And sometimes he cooks smelly food like fried fatty meat, this drives me mad.

But he's alright really 😁

Bearing moaned at that the house is a mess. Even if things are put away. When I ask what the solution should be he’s stumped. So that’s died down a bit now.

Asking for things to be done and days later they’re still not done. Meaning I should have just got in and done it in the first place.

at the moment. The whole fucking thing. I could gladly walk out and leave DH and DD to their utterly selfish ways.

Thanks for your answers, what was hard about the 3 I've had: the first one- felt like I was being fitted in around football rather than a priority, the bloody football obsession, him being a huge drinker and me being teetotal, but otherwise that was it tbh. It's not that I had an issue with him drinking, but he just got a bit too lovely/rowdy and it could be a lot to deal with.
The second one: he was a nasty, abusive, cheating prick. The end
The most recent: different expectations about cooking, snoring, could sometimes be a bit snobby/pompous/pretentious, no commitment, but otherwise great

Today it's having someone banging and crashing about the house when I just want to read my book/nap/drink tea in peace on one of very few days a year when I don't have to do anything, and am still recovering from a virus. Absolutely no consideration for me, and an immediate sulk when I suggested he went out.

I've been fantasising today about waking up in the apartment I lived in when I was single, blissfully alone (and back in an interesting city instead of a small town in the middle of nowhere!)