Feeling like this is an unfair split at Christmas

[TiChai]

My boyfriend and I are still pretty young, we don't live together but we are planing to move in together in the coming year, we've been together a year and a half currently.
Coincidentally despite having met 300 miles from where we are from, are actually from the same county, we've now done two Christmas's together.

Last year we went up on the 22nd stayed with my parents until Christmas Day, did presents and breakfast left at midday, went to his nanas for dinner, then to his mums stayed there until the 28th but spent Boxing Day at his dads.

This year we came up on the 22nd, stayed at his mums until Christmas Day, did presents there yesterday morning then came over to my parents for dinner. Now today we are still going to his dads for Boxing Day (we spent most of Christmas Eve with him too). The main reason is half sister goes to their dads on Boxing Day so this is the only day to see her. It's an hour from his mums to my parents and 40 minutes from his dads to my parents so it's a lot of back and forth and time in the car.

I'm a little annoyed that we spent the 3 days before Christmas with his family, and now on one of the days we should be with my family technically we are still going to his. He thinks we should view each house individually and split it 1/3 to each, I think his family should represent 1/2 and my family the other.

Basically we spent all of Friday (we arrived at 3am Friday morning), half of Saturday, Sunday morning and half of Christmas with his mums side, and half of Saturday and most of Sunday with his dads side, plus all of today. But will have only had half of Christmas and tomorrow with my family. He thinks it will work its self as we go back and forth over the years but it's sort of upset me.

We don't have kids yet and have agreed when we do we will host and everyone can come to us and sort out the schedule themselves but in the meantime we both really like "going home" and being in our own houses etc.

AIBU to think this is an unfair split? How can we split it better in the future?

It's only been a year and a half. You don't have kids. I'd go to your respective familys for Christmas. You can cope without each other for a day or two.

We don't have kids yet and have agreed when we do we will host and everyone can come to us and sort out the schedule themselves

They might not want to ans scheduling themselves sounds a recipie for disaster

It's fair for him to see his sister. Do you expect him not to? You don't have to be together the whole of Christmas. Pre-children people often don't spend the whole time together so they can see their families separately.

YABU to expect your families to travel 300 miles too see you every Christmas once you live together. That's unlikely to happen.

I think you sound very rigid in your thinking ... but I know some married / long term couples who still prefer to go back to their 'original' families separately than compromise or start new traditions ... one couple I know got married this year but chose to spend Christmas separately ... even their own families thought it odd.

Interesting you say this, in my family (and my boyfriends) it was always customary for grandparents to travel to the grandchildren when they were small so they could be around their toys, not be in an unfamiliar environment. Boyfriend's grandma still travels Hampshire to Cumbria every year to make this happen. My parents joke about "we can't wait until you have kids and it's your turn to host" so I don't think that will be an issue for our family.

Do you have to go with him? You could just go to your own families on Christmas and save the agro. (I know it's too late for this year but maybe something to think about going forward?)

However, I do agree with you that his family time should be a 1/2 of the time not split into 3rds as he suggested.

Divide and conquer!

Host when you have small kids and they want to play with their new toys rather than sit in the car for hours and hours (and so you don't have to be lugging baby and toddler equipment with you everywhere)!

You go home for the core days, and so does he. 2 or 3 days without each other in the middle is doable isn't it?

You think as soon as you have children you can dictate to everyone what they should be doing for Christmas? 😳

I honestly cannot imagine being so petty as to count u your time like this. If you don’t want to see his sister than stop where you are whilst he goes, you are not joined at the hip.

But we do enjoy seeing each others family? We don't want to be apart over Christmas. I'd rather less time with my family than not being with my partner I think we can just find a fairer solution.

Why dont you just spend the day with your family? I can see his reasoning given his parents are 2 separate households but you clearly want to spend more time with your family,it isnt that far distance so just spend the day apart with your family's and meet up later at either of your parents.
I feel like you are overthinking this and making it more difficult than it needs to be

So last year you spent more time with your family and this year you spent more time with his… you did the same schedule but reversed? Failing to see the issue here.

But to answer your question I would just spend Xmas day separately and work out the other days to how it suits respective families best. Or spend other days separately and alternate the Xmas day itself between homes.

If you are going to stay together then you’ve got years to spend the whole period together, doing it separately right now isn’t a sacrifice, it’s an opportunity to spend time with your friends and families independently before your whole lives are meshed together and everything gets centred around kids.

If you have to be together for all of it, I think a 1/3 split is fairer. I would have seen my own family Xmas eve though and then gone with him today when his sister would be there (so I'd still see his dad too)

Coming from a broken home myself it’s got to be a 1/3 split. I want to see my mum as much a my dad but it’s not physically possible, so 1/2 isn’t going to work.

Youll find you have to make all sorts of compromises being with someone from a broken home, this is just the first.

He’s your boyfriend, not your partner. Spend Christmas with your respective families and worry about Christmas together when you are actually together in your own home.

If you enjoy seeing his family then I'm not sure the issue really

He wants to see his sister, either you let him go himself and meet him later so you can spend more time with your family or you go with him if you can't bare to be away from him for half a day

Surely the obvious answer is not to spend all 3 days together. I've been with my partner a decade. We don't live together and have teenagers. We don't see each other over Xmas til Boxing Day night. It's fine, you're adults and separate people, not velcroed together.

If you genuinely enjoy seeing his family then what's the issue? Life can't always be 50/50 ... he comes from a broken home, that is his reality that he has 'two' families to visit.
I would examine your relationship carefully if you are always going to be insisting on 'fair' splits without compromising or finding the best solution in different circumstances...

Either separate and each go to your respective families, or bin the whole idea and have Christmas on your own together?

I'm reminded of the image of children standing on boxes - equal vs fair.
Your boyfriend is the smallest child who needs the extra "box" of time, a fair divide, not an equal share.

YABU! A 1/3 split is fairer and no need to spend every second together. Why not enjoy a little time separately with your respective families? I'm in a similar situation. My DH and I met in England, but are from the same town in Wales. My family is small and I'm an only child, so it's very Important for me to see my parents. DH's family is a larger and broken family and he has 3 siblings, so I understand he needs time there too. Sometimes, it's nice to spend a little time just with our own families - although spend time together too. Relationships are all about compromise and not everything can be 50/50.

I think 50/50 is a better split but actually would just choose the spend the time with my own family if such a big deal that it needs negotiation

A third split means you each see the family you love most for the same ish amount of time eg a day with your parents, a day with his mum, a day with his dad. You're lucky enough to have a united family of origin, this can be a gift you give him to help him navigate his more complex family. Equal is not the same as fair.

Add an extra day to the trip, ma me it’s nearer 3/5 with his two households 2/5 to your one.

I don't think you have to do equal time in both. I also don't think you have to spend Christmases together and even if you wanna spend the day together you can separate for other days. Also I'd take into account whe whole year. Like if you see one family more frequently then you can spend a bit longer with the other during holidays etc.