Hate staying with in laws

[Chickenfeetandsandals]

Ok, I already know that most of you will say that I am being unreasonable. Hear me out 😂 I am awaiting an autism assessment, I HATE not being in control of my environment with regards to Heating (relatives want the heat on for 4 hours at a time - twice daily), Eating (relatives have the beige food palate), Lighting (relatives have bright lights on all the time). I find their home to be an assault on my senses and my reaction to the elements above is admittedly awful. I've explained to my husband that I can't stay with them in future as it's not conducive with me actually enjoying our holiday. He doesn't want to offend them by staying elsewhere but aren't my feelings valid in this situation? Staying with them is physically uncomfortable for me and I don't seem to be able to calm down enough to actually enjoy their company. Do any of you have any advice to help me calm down as I'm currently at their house boiling, and stressed 😂 I have already turned the radiator down in our room.

Go to bed early. Say you have a headache and then retire saying it hasn't eased.

Nothing wrong with booking a room nearby to save work for them!

I don't have autism and hate going for similar reasons...

I especially hate the unsuitable uncomfortable bedding option provided.

I solved this by sending DH alone for "quality time" 😜 and by giving birth to their first grandchild. (An extreme solution I know)

I now "don't travel" as a general rule because
.. kids.
the one time I did go back for a wider family event I booked a hotel room and said i didnt care how offended they were i wanted some decent sleep and was staying in a hotel.
I told DH he could do what he wanted I.e. stay in his childhood bedroom OR join me for a baby free shag in a nice hotel...
we never really discussed what went on re in laws but we both stayed in the hotel 😅

The older I get, the less desire I have to sleep in other peoples houses, unless they have a full guest wing serviced by the cleaner like my Aunty Pam in NZ.

This year we have treated ourselves to Premier Inn rooms for two nights at the princely cost of £40 per room per night, rather than staying at SILs.

DS 17 is happy as Larry as he has his own hotel room for the first time ever and it means everyone gets downtime. First time I said that's where I was staying a number of years ago, DH did the whole family will be upset thing, but actually I think they prefer it as much as we do.

Completely sympathise. Love the idea of my own space and hate the difficulty of staying with ILs

I understand.

I agree we have driven 100 miles to MILs today and when we arrived she was going to bed! I’m 34 weeks pregnant and it’s really not what I wanted to be doing this evening.

Omg I could've wrote this post

I'm NT and I refuse to stay at my ILs for similar reasons. Luckily, my DH is in full agreement with me.

Your feelings are valid OP. You just need to get through this visit- early nights, lie ins , pop out as often as you can find the excuse to do so (‘just popping to the shop’ ‘getting a bit of fresh air’ if they have a dog - perfect! Volunteer for all the walks!). Do the washing up with a podcast in? After this visit you then have a year to come up with a plan for DH about next year - either host at yours, stay in hotel or have a quiet Christmas the two of you.

It’s miserable isn’t it. I spent one year with (lovely lovely) people who had no lamps. Every room was lit with 100 watt ceiling lights. Even at a New Year’s Eve party.
Another visit with (lovely lovely) people who have the TV on ALL DAY AND LOUD.
I thought I was easy going but a few minutes in either scenario were painful let alone an extended visit.
They probably find my dim and TV less house miserable too 😁

Not neurodiverse, but feel the same. In-laws so lovely and kind and I've stayed lots, but BIL and SIL over from abroad with their toddler, so it just feels so crowded. 4 adults and 2 toddlers sharing a bathroom and also having to share a room with our toddler means no privacy or down time which I realised I truly need!

I totally get you as I think I am also on the spectrum as I have issue with bright lights, can only have very low lamps on and do not like lots of heat. Just let him go on his own next year and do your own thing at home as not fair for you to be feeling this physical and emotional turmoil and distress for few days. Suit yourself as most people do anyway. Hope you get home soon to relax as that is my comfort place and I dislike and won't stay with anyone or have anyone staying at mine.

I am finding the heat in the house really difficult this year.
I want to know what age I am going cross over from the menopausal woman always sweating phase to the old woman always cold phase. I hope it's soon as then I might appreciate this ridiculously high heating.
The windows don't even open properly as they are weirdly small. I sat on the front door step for a while earlier just so I could breathe 😂

I totally get it OP. Sometimes you have to put your own comfort first. I've hated being in rooms with the Big Light on since I was a kid. There's something really uncomfortable about it, like everyone's just got home and hasn't settled yet.

I took a long train journey to a "friend's" house years ago. The first evening cramped into the tiny, hot living room with no window or door open* with the Big Light on and her three "spirited" kids watching WWR at high volume on a TV way too big for the room.

I was starving on arrival but had to wait for ages to be fed chips - nothing else..... just chips. She laid on some warm white wine. There was a litter tray in the room with a cat turd in it. I slept in her son's knackered bed that stank of boy.

It was HELL!

The next day I invented a family incident that required my immediate departure and never contacted her again. I've never "ghosted" anyone before or since and I felt bad, but I was so far out of my comfort zone I couldn't stay another hour.

• I'll just add that I did ask to open the lounge door but she said no because the previous week her daughter had "tombstoned" the cat whilst watching the wrestling which, I was told, means that she held the cat up and then drove its head onto the floor. Her consequence was not having the cat in the lounge when the wrestling was on.

Kinda hope she's reading this!

Jesus. I feel stressed just reading this.

Eternally grateful that I don’t need to stay over at my in-laws but I can totally feel your pain on this. This would be me 100% and I don’t have autism. The thought of someone else being in full control of my food alone could make me break out in hives 😬 I like my own space and being alone for chunks of the day, even away from my husband so I would struggle being there 24/7. No advice, just sending prayers for you 🙈

@JockTamsonsBairns 😧😧😧

I'm glad I'm not the only one. I spent two days at a relative's house recently and couldn't help myself from giving both bathrooms a really thorough clean as soon as I could do so discreetly.

Each time I went to the loo, I'd attack another bit with the (unused) bottle of cleaner behind the basin. I even managed to wash the floors while no-one was looking.

I hope I didn't cause offence but honestly, there are limits as to what's healthy. 😧

Yup. We save up and stay elsewhere and it’s completely transformed the holidays

@Isittimeformynapyet 😥 how absolutely ghastly all around.
Awful.

I didn't know not liking bright over head lights was a sign of being nd. I've always gravitated towards gentle lighting and my parents used to go on about it also but they had pub backgrounds. They would always comment if a relative or somewhere had only bright lights and how it affects the mood.
Lighting is key as is fresh air.

I have autism.
I stay at a hotel. I don’t care if people think it is rude. I don’t care about well-appointed guest rooms. I need my own space. I agree with being able to control the thermostat. I don’t want to queue for a shower with more than just my normal household members. I like that I am leaving the host house to sleep so it gives me an obvious time to get food of my own choosing, even if it is just a snack or a snack to smuggle in for the next day.

Thanks for your kind messages with advice and support. I've tried to break these feelings down further. Who knows, they might be of interest to those with neurodivergent friends/family members.
I am so used to my own space, routine, and creature comforts. It can be very overwhelming to be transplanted into another space and routine. I have spent the past couple of days trying to squash these feelings and they have just come pouring out (as tears). I honestly feel some relief now, and talking this through with my partner, we won't be staying with in laws for more than 3 nights in future. I find this agreeable, and it's only due to finances that we didn't stay elsewhere this year. I should say that the in-laws are nothing but kind, it's just the lack of personal space that makes me feel completely overwhelmed. I'm off out now, with red, puffy eyes but at least I have a smile on my face

This ^^ is the way to go, OP. After several uncomfortable visits and little sleep, we always book a hotel when visiting the in-laws. It’s much more relaxing for everyone.

I totally get you, OP. I (mostly) love spending time with other people, but I also need my space. I also hate overheated rooms.