Hate staying with in laws

[Chickenfeetandsandals]

Ok, I already know that most of you will say that I am being unreasonable. Hear me out 😂 I am awaiting an autism assessment, I HATE not being in control of my environment with regards to Heating (relatives want the heat on for 4 hours at a time - twice daily), Eating (relatives have the beige food palate), Lighting (relatives have bright lights on all the time). I find their home to be an assault on my senses and my reaction to the elements above is admittedly awful. I've explained to my husband that I can't stay with them in future as it's not conducive with me actually enjoying our holiday. He doesn't want to offend them by staying elsewhere but aren't my feelings valid in this situation? Staying with them is physically uncomfortable for me and I don't seem to be able to calm down enough to actually enjoy their company. Do any of you have any advice to help me calm down as I'm currently at their house boiling, and stressed 😂 I have already turned the radiator down in our room.

I think you just need to tell yourself it's only a short term visit, rise above your feelings & just get on with it. Don't upset them or hurt their feelings - even without any diagnosis of something, staying elsewhere can be stressful for anyone as it's away from your normal but at some point, you just have to respect & accept that that's how they live in their house & plough on through till you can leave. Arranging to stay elsewhere would be rude and probably hurtful to them. Stick to your maximum of 3 nights in future. Stating at IL's can be hard for all sorts of reasons!

Don't suck it up next year, just don't put yourself through it at all. I like dim lights, cool rooms, decent food, peace and quiet, none of which I get at the ILs... and I can't have them stay any more, they leave their pubes on my bathroom, take a shit and don't scrub the bog (controversial word on Mumsnet lately) and the MIL smells like mouldy library books, not doing it is an option, and it's the one I'm taking go forward

I gave similar issues. I take earplugs with me that reduce the volume a bit, just to take the edge off. I’m not sure whether the heating is too hot or too cold for you at present but would taking a hot water bottle help at all?
Nor sure what you can do about the harsh lighting. Maybe some tinted glasses that you pretend are a style choice?

@KinS24 ahh hear you about TV - I can't stand visiting elderly relative as it just blares out all day.

If they can't sleep they put it on at 2am. I ended up catching a taxi home at 3am as I couldn't stand it.

If you get your autism diagnosis before next time, it wouldn't be rude at all. Either you or DH explain that one of your triggers is being out of your normal routine and having a separate place to sleep is very important to you. They can choose how they wish to process that information, but it is true.

Their noses may be a bit out of joint the first time you do it, but they will get used to it quickly and it might be easier for them to not have to adjust their daily routine so much as well.

@Chickenfeetandsandals I think staying somewhere else is extremely considerate and should be viewed as such. Spending time with family is important but it doesn't mean every hour together for crying out loud?! They're probably relieved there's one less room to stress about. My in-laws had a dreadful dark purple bedroom with a black ceiling (a teenage goth nightmare) and a small window that we stayed overnight in. It was like a depression cell, sucking the life force out of us. We've stayed in nearby B&Bs ever since and all is well.

I have similar problems, except they never turn on the heating, cook constantly without the extractor on/window open so everything smells, including my hair and clothes, and insist on gross fleece bedding that's just awful and sweaty. The towels always smell like damp dog, and there's no snacks.

Or you could've - and I know this is kinda 'out there but hear me out: spoken to her? Asked her for some more food. Asked her to clear the cat litter and for more bed sheets? Surely that would've been better than playing the martyr and then ghosting the poor woman. She sounds like she's struggling

I hear you! My MIL is incredibly passive aggressive about everything we do it's exhausting and irritating. I set an alarm to wake early than her hopefully to clean a bit to avoid the comments in the morning

I would suggest talking to them to explain your sensory needs. I have autistic friends/family and I'm still learning that things like lights too bright can cause discomfort. They might be very happy to take simple steps like lowering the lights, etc. it might make them more comfortable too if it means you're better company.

If I go anywhere that as a cluttered living room. Big lights on. Everything in the room that's closing in on me , I feel overwhelmed..i feel I need to get out of there. I can't stand it.
I have to have tidy things around me. Other wise I feel the walls are caving in.
We've stayed at many houses looking after grandkids and dogs. Whilst our adult kids and partners have gone away. For a week or two.
The last time we did stay. I could have walked out there and then. Sleeping in bed that's not yours. So unsettling for both of us..
So from now on we've told em can't do it any more.
Don't sleep at anyone's house. And not done so for years..
I remember my mother in law and her husband used to come to see us. We'd book em in the local pub or hotel. They're were happy to do this as well. When we went to see them we'd book into hotel.

A very old friend suddenly stopped wanting to stay over with us about 4 years ago and we couldn't understand it as she'd been very keen for many years (often inviting herself - we've been friends since we were 11). She'd also given up staying with her sister at Xmas - which she'd done for years - and would book herself into a Premier Inn or similar.

A couple if years later and I get it - I really don't want to stay at other people's houses (except my brother's) but can happily stay in hotels or rented holiday cottages.

Be bold and do what works for YOU.

Such a coincidence OP - I saw your headline and thought, ‘same here, their house is too bloody hot!’ I know how you feel. I don’t think I’m autistic, but I’m sensitive.

My in lawns have all the heating on full blast, ALL YEAR ROUND. I had to go and sit in the garden. I remember trying to get ready for a fancy meal, and getting out of the shower and immediately being soaked with sweat!

Stay in a hotel. It's so much easier.

I stayed at my MILs house once 15 years ago and never have done again.

TV on loudly all the time, bright lights, one of those air conditioning units that blows air used for heating so everything is constantly moving in a breeze, only one comfortable soft sofa which she and her dog sit off. Feeding cats in the bath, cat poo on the floor, stuff everywhere, 50 year old mattresses.

Ever since, we have stayed in an AirBnB or holiday cottage. Much better and allows us space and the ability to be in control of our surroundings .

I don't have autism and I have no intention of staying with my in-laws ever again. They live abroad and are generally lovely people however I'm 37, work nearly full time and have two young kids and a holiday/break needs to be a holiday/break! My MIL is critical of me and DHs parenting which always comes across as deeply negative and unpleasant (i can take constructive criticism but this isn't it!) Anyway, as 2024 beckons I know we will be expected to go over at some point and I'm going to have to hold firm on an Air BnB (which I booked last time and then cancelled coz she convinced us to stay.... idiot that I am hahaha).

Yes, thank you. I'm familiar with the concept of using my words.

If I'd felt comfortable enough and thought there was any mileage in the "friendship" I would have done just that, but there was nothing to salvage. Sometimes you've just got to cut your losses and get out.

She had calls from her local friends while I was there - if she was struggling (and there was no particular evidence of that) it wasn't my responsibility to rescue her.

Besides, this was nearly 20 years ago. I have more friends and confidence now so I doubt I'll find myself in such circumstances again.

I find this interesting, many people prefer soft lighting, creature comforts and so on. But because your nd you think these are nd traits.