People who outstay their welcome

[Bedbouncer]

Thinking of one particular couple (close relatives) who I love to pieces and always enjoy seeing - but they just don't go home! If I invite them round I have to write off the whole day (to midnight) and I always end up feeling relieved when they go - and guilty for feeling relieved - because it seems inhospitable somehow.

AINBU if you -suspect you may be these people - please go home like an 2 hours earlier than you are thinking of doing? Even people who love you like their own space!
AIBU - if you like them as much as you say you do - you will be glad they stay a long time. You are an inhospitable grouch!

Rather than expect people to second guess whether they should leave and risk you thinking they’re bored of your company, or wait for you to say good night, just be straightforward and tell them that you’ll need to give them a cut off of X time in advance. This is basically how it works with all our friends: when you arrive you say “just tell us to fuck off when you’ve had enough of us” and that’s what happens. Nobody gets offended and nobody stays beyond their welcome. It’s much better than awkward hinting and nobody knowing whether it’s rude to stay or rude to leave.

I like to say “well this has been lovely, we’ll need to get to bed soon though, would you like me to call you a cab?”. Much clearer than waiting for them to guess when you’ve had enough.

I only have the kind of friends I either don't mind if they stay til the end of time or I can tell to fuck off when I am done peopling/they can tell me they're fucking off because they are done peopling.

I find life much simpler this way, no hinting or hoping, everythings clear and understood.

This is one of the reasons I prefer hosting to visiting.

When I'm visiting I spend as much time worrying that I've over-stayed my welcome as I do worrying that I might cause offence by leaving too early.

When we have guests I leave it to them to decide when to go and they usually get it right within an hour or so.

Definitely tell them in advance, truth or not. ‘I get shattered by 10, so we’ll wind up by then’ and clear 15 minutes in advance.

Well yanbu to find it annoying but on the other hand YABU not to manage expectations in advance with an approximate cut off time or to manage it on the day as others have said by saying you'll need to do x,y or z soon so on your bike time to call the evening to a close, been lovely though, must do it again soon etc.

How are you phrasing your invitation - “please come and visit on the 12th” or “please come for lunch on the 12th”? If invited for lunch people always disappear by about 5pm IME

Agree with others that clear boundaries are a good idea. "OK if I chuck you out about 10?" or whatever.

I suggest a message with possible times
eg would brunch suit you 10 -12 or is 11 -1 better for you .
Or can you make lunch 1-3 or would you prefer a late lunch 2-4.
Those who frequently overstay i host in a restaurant or coffee house.

Going against the grain above but I really don’t think adults should require clarification. Surely it’s pretty basic people skills to know when to fuck off home?

My parents left 2 hours ago. My in laws are still here. I will probably go to bed before they leave. I’ve done nothing I want to do today. It’s always the same, they just never ever leave!

When my father had had enough of guests he used to stand behind them holding their coats ready for them to put on. It worked every time.

I once finished with a boyfriend for this.

He worked abroad for seven months of the year, I had a 9-5 office job.

When at home, we'd go out to see (mainly his) friends and he'd stay until 1.30 / 2 in the morning. I thought at first it was a one-off but then it kept happening. When he did this when we were first dating, I thought he was just keen but no, turned out he did it with everyone. Acted like he was on holiday or retired all the time.

If we went out in the week, I'd ddrive as i couldn't really drink with having to be up at 7 the next day.

Honestly, people would have to push him out of the door. It was embarrassing.

He was lovely but i love my sleep and couldnt live like that. I last saw him six years ago and an afternoon coffee catch up lasted until 8pm when i said i had to get home to feed the cat. 🤣

Some people are just extremely sociable.

If it's nighttime I wouldn't care but if it's daytime then I would make plans to see them but tell them a time you're only free to as you have 'insert plan/lie' at this time

YANBU. It's very frustrating.

I knew MIL was coming today but she turned up at 8:10am to watch DD open her presents and she's still here 13.5 hours later.
Had enough and just want to relax now!

I wish I'd got an answer for this. My in laws bring their kids and usually stay after they're over tired and awful. They're also empty handed guests and never reciprocate hosting, but quick to help themselves to refreshments. Sadly DH doesn't get as enraged as I do, so I find sometimes it's best to just have errands or other arrangements.

Smiling at the suggestions to make an end time clear in advance; IME it just doesn't work with the dedicated overstayers, like my late, exMIL who's sit ... and sit ... and sit, even in the face of heavy hints on the day

In the end exH and I had to get really blatant and bring in the coats - "let me help you on with this" - and even then she'd remember someone else who'd died/was in hospital who we absolutely had to hear about on her way to the door

Nope, not all of us. I have no idea when I should go - totally cannot tell. So I make sure to always tell hosts that, and ask them to please tell me when it's home time.

Easy when there's a bunch: you can just leave in the middle.

My sister (67) is one of those people. It's sad because people are no longer inviting her because she takes it as a joke. She is becoming more lonely but it's her own doing. She'd be welcome at any time if she respected boundaries. She caused my DD to shout at her on Christmas Eve. It was upsetting for everyone.

I had friends I had to stop inviting - you’d invite them for coffee and they and their DC would still be there at lunch every time. They were generous and would gladly have reciprocated - but that just isn’t how I organise my time. A coffee means coffee. Please leave.

Said relatives clearly don't have the ability to sense when is an appropriate time to leave. Often they are still there for HOURS after all other guests leave. I feel like specifying an end point is inhospitable- but maybe IABU

When you invite them give them a start and finish time. “Hey we’d love you to come over from 2pm to 4pm tomorrow if you’re free” or something like that. I do this as standard for all guests. I hate giving open invitations.

I usually just stand up and tell them it's time to go and get them their coats before standing at the open front door.
My mother in law took offence the first time I did this, but her sensibilities aren't my problem.

They are not outstaying their welcome if you are still being welcoming though. How will they know unless you tell them?

İt is not inhospitable to express your own needs.

I agree with giving times to leave - it can really help, inviting people for over but saying I’ll have to go out at x time, or finish at 10 because I have a big day tomorrow or promised to do something with DD.

Just make it clear you have some commitment at a certain point a couple of hours after their visit.