People who outstay their welcome

[Bedbouncer]

Thinking of one particular couple (close relatives) who I love to pieces and always enjoy seeing - but they just don't go home! If I invite them round I have to write off the whole day (to midnight) and I always end up feeling relieved when they go - and guilty for feeling relieved - because it seems inhospitable somehow.

AINBU if you -suspect you may be these people - please go home like an 2 hours earlier than you are thinking of doing? Even people who love you like their own space!
AIBU - if you like them as much as you say you do - you will be glad they stay a long time. You are an inhospitable grouch!

Oh my goodness, I suppose I can be thankful my MIL is not an early riser (though she is hard work in very many other ways) but anyone coming to my door at that time I just wouldn’t answer!

We had this just today! My mum was hosting Christmas lunch with my help. My SIL's mother gets invited, but is Jewish and never comes. This year, she called on Christmas EVE to say she would be coming!

All guests left except her! SIL's mother kept saying 'Now don't let me over stay my welcome, tell me when to go!'

NO- its not the host that needs to tell you to f&ck off. My mum was yawning, we were all knackered and this woman stayed there! After several offers of coffee, I suggest we all go for a nap- it was only then that she left.

Oh god, my former in laws were dreadful for this. I don't miss that!

Even when I eventually started giving a window of time they'd still stay later and make sarcastic comments about how they were expected to leave! Err, yes, you are!

Why do so many people on mumsnet have no backbone?

My old Dad had this down to a fine art. They would have people over for dinner. Say at 1800. At 2200 all the lounge and dining room lamps would turn off. He put them all on timers 😁. He'd then jump up, clap his hands together, thank everyone for coming and apologise that it must be bed time, he'd herd them out and that was that. Him and Mum did that for years!

friends of friends have a "goodbye" playlist - every song you could think of that's about saying goodnight/goodbye etc

Have never asked friends how many tracks of it they've heard.

You're not unreasonable but it is tricky if people don't say.

I love my best friends but they make passive aggressive comments and look aggrieved if I leave before 11pm (when they know it takes me 90 mins to get home), but they also bitch about other guests they've had who have stayed too long so it's like... what do you WANT?

Everyone has a different idea of what a reasonable length of stay is so be really explicit before hand.

& My Dad used to go upstairs, reappear in his pyjamas and start using the vacuum cleaner.

Personally when I go to anyone's home I usually say just let me know when it's time to go or what time would be a good time for us to leave. Unfortunately some people are not aware they are outstaying their welcome so you have to be clear, just say ah it's been so good seeing you but I'm going to have to call it a night in about say 20 mins I'm shattered or need to be up early.

@Bluela18 Personally when I go to anyone's home I usually say just let me know when it's time to go or what time would be a good time for us to leave.

Why can't you just read regular, social ques such as it being late, coffee has been served etc to say you are leaving? The host then has the option to say 'Yes, it was lovely seeing you' OR 'No, please stay for another drink' etc.

Isn't the standard time to stay somewhere like 2 or 3 hours
That's a meal, chatting, and a last coffee or tea before going?

If you’re a couple, the answer to this is one of you goes to bed. Super cheerily ‘love you all so much! Will let you carry on but I’m knackered, see you next time!’

Either they leave at that point or else that starts the clock and the other one can then do a ‘well, I better head up to join x’ in 30 min/an hour/10 min.

obvs the general rule is that whoever’s family/friends are the overstayers has to do the late shift.

doesn’t work if it’s brunch I guess but that’s the time to have a vet appointment/trip to the dump/rock climbing lesson so tends to be easier than evenings

Those aren't "standard", though.

I personally don't know a single person who drinks coffee after lunchtime/early afternoon, unless maybe they had to pull an all-nighter at work/uni. None of my friends would dream of serving coffee in the evening. Coffee is exclusively a "get going in the morning" (or maybe sometimes a "perk you up during the post-lunch slump") drink in my world. I'm sure plenty of people do still drink coffee at night, but the whole ritual of post-dinner coffee feels like a very 1970s thing to me, it's something I've only seen in old movies and TV shows.

"Late" is also completely subjective. Some people consider 4pm to be late. Some people consider midnight to be early. I had elderly relatives who used to invite you for lunch and were pretty clear they wanted you gone by 3pm at the latest, and I have friends in their 20s for whom a "standard" get together starts at 10pm and goes on till 4am; ducking out at 2am would get you labelled a lightweight. There can't be a universal standard for what's considered late, since an elderly person's idea of "late" is going to be very different from a 22yr old's idea of "late."

Isn't the standard time to stay somewhere like 2 or 3 hours. That's a meal, chatting, and a last coffee or tea before going?

Depends on the situation. If I was invited for lunch or dinner by people I didn't know too well I'd probably aim for 2-3 hours, yeah. But if I tried to leave my best friends' house after three hours they'd be mortally offended and think they'd done something horribly wrong. A standard visit to these particular friends is at least six hours. I'm meeting one of my oldest friends tomorrow (who I only see once or twice a year, since she moved abroad) and we'll easily be together for eight hours minimum. But I have two other friends who are insanely busy and kind of chaotic and disorganised, and I frequently have hang outs that last for less than hour, and that is "standard" for those two particular friends.

The idea that there's some kind of Universal Standard Friendship Socialisation Time is just weird. Everyone is different, everyone's life is different, so how can you expect everyone to treat socialisation the same?