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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is rude?

39 replies

Spencer0220 · 25/12/2023 12:12

For context, my DSis lives 10 minutes from my mum. She uses my mum as a third parent and my mum is expected to drop everything at a moment's notice.

DSis refuses to host mum at Christmas and will only see her in laws. The in-laws have a great relationship with mum and always ask for her to be invited.

DH and I always host mum. She's due later. This year she booked her Christmas invite in JUNE because she hates being alone.

I've just phoned her and she's really upset. Not even a text from my sister.

I've raised this before in previous years with my sister and the response I get is that mum is not required at Christmas!!

Am I being unreasonable to be really upset about this?

I'm not going to bother raising it with DSis again.

OP posts:
SKG2007 · 25/12/2023 12:14

This is for your mum to sort out wirh your sister.

HashtagShitShop · 25/12/2023 12:14

Does she really use those terms "not required at Christmas"?

Then your mums response is set next time she asks. "your presence is not required in my life."

Wolfiefan · 25/12/2023 12:15

Time for your mum not to be a doormat. It’s not for you to raise this with your sister though.

Floralnomad · 25/12/2023 12:16

This is not for you to sort out , you need to support your mum in dealing with it .

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 25/12/2023 12:18

HashtagShitShop · 25/12/2023 12:14

Does she really use those terms "not required at Christmas"?

Then your mums response is set next time she asks. "your presence is not required in my life."

Yes. I've heard her say it too

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 25/12/2023 12:18

Your mother needs to take some responsibility here. No one is forcing her to be your sister's doormat. I'd be telling your mum to stop allowing herself to be taken advantage of and to step way, way back from your sister. For most people, shit behaviour like this has consequences. I suggest you show your sister what they are.

ComtesseDeSpair · 25/12/2023 12:19

Presumably there’s a backstory to this and your mum knows why she isn’t welcome at your sister’s house at Christmas? Has she never had a conversation with your sister about it during the year / approaching Christmas?

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 25/12/2023 12:21

my mum is expected to drop everything at a moment's notice.

Why is she going along with this?

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 25/12/2023 12:24

ComtesseDeSpair · 25/12/2023 12:19

Presumably there’s a backstory to this and your mum knows why she isn’t welcome at your sister’s house at Christmas? Has she never had a conversation with your sister about it during the year / approaching Christmas?

Edited

Not as far as I know, or mum knows. Just that she's not needed.

Mum calls going to my sister's her work.

Earlier in the year when she was very unwell I had to insist my sister check on her and get shopping. DSis most outraged she was asked.

DH and I not able to go as we couldn't drive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 25/12/2023 12:25

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 25/12/2023 12:21

my mum is expected to drop everything at a moment's notice.

Why is she going along with this?

I don't know. She thinks DSis needs help

OP posts:
HashtagShitShop · 25/12/2023 12:29

Spencer0220 · 25/12/2023 12:25

I don't know. She thinks DSis needs help

Show quote history

So does your mum, to be treated fairly and not used and tossed aside when convinient.

Ponoka7 · 25/12/2023 12:31

I was in a similar position with my DD. I made myself less available so she'd appreciate my support and childcare. My eldest DD did the same. It is for your Mum to sort out. It sounds as though she's made her GC her life, but what happens when she is no longer needed for childcare?

WYorkshireRose · 25/12/2023 12:33

Your DMum is an enabler for your DSis, as many parents are for their adult DC and has consequently become a doormat. You can't fix it and, as you've realised, there's no point raising it.

However, personally I'd want nothing to do with a "D"Sis who behaved that way towards our DMum so would likely be low/no contact already, but that's just me,

Hodge00079 · 25/12/2023 12:37

If my mum was being treated like this by a sibling I would be upset.

However, mum needs to sort this. Perhaps with help from you. Perhaps focus today on having a good time today and say perhaps lets discuss after Christmas. If mum doesn’t even get a text today if were her I would not be answering texts/calls next time sis has a crisis. However, at the end of the day mum needs to make that call. Perhaps discuss a strategy.

Does sis host or her ILs? If it is ILs have they invited her directly?

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 25/12/2023 12:57

WYorkshireRose · 25/12/2023 12:33

Your DMum is an enabler for your DSis, as many parents are for their adult DC and has consequently become a doormat. You can't fix it and, as you've realised, there's no point raising it.

However, personally I'd want nothing to do with a "D"Sis who behaved that way towards our DMum so would likely be low/no contact already, but that's just me,

I'm already somewhat LC, she won't give me the time of day because we won't give her anymore money

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 25/12/2023 12:58

Hodge00079 · 25/12/2023 12:37

If my mum was being treated like this by a sibling I would be upset.

However, mum needs to sort this. Perhaps with help from you. Perhaps focus today on having a good time today and say perhaps lets discuss after Christmas. If mum doesn’t even get a text today if were her I would not be answering texts/calls next time sis has a crisis. However, at the end of the day mum needs to make that call. Perhaps discuss a strategy.

Does sis host or her ILs? If it is ILs have they invited her directly?

Hosts in laws every year. Including sibling, partners and dogs.

OP posts:
Sureaseggs44 · 25/12/2023 13:05

That’s awful . Can your mum not move closer to you ?

Eekmystro · 25/12/2023 13:18

“Your DMum is an enabler for your DSis, as many parents are for their adult DC and has consequently become a doormat. You can't fix it and, as you've realised, there's no point raising it. “

^
I agree with this. your mum is allowing your DS to treat her this way and the only thing that will change it is if your mum starts having boundaries. As you say there is no point talking to your sister.

In your shoes I think I would speak to DM in the new year and suggest she might want to look at her own behaviour and how she manages demands from DS. What is she scared will happen if she says no? Does she know how to say no? I would only try once with DM though and then step back. If DM chooses to let the situation continue that is, sadly, her choice.

Eekmystro · 25/12/2023 13:19

Is there any wider context. What was DM and DS relationship like when you were children?

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 25/12/2023 13:27

Sureaseggs44 · 25/12/2023 13:05

That’s awful . Can your mum not move closer to you ?

Unfortunately she wants us to move back home!

OP posts:
CommonSenze · 25/12/2023 13:28

“I'm already somewhat LC, she won't give me the time of day because we won't give her anymore money”
this setting off alarm bells for anyone else. DSis is a user. Probably giving DM a good old sob story.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 25/12/2023 13:28

Eekmystro · 25/12/2023 13:18

“Your DMum is an enabler for your DSis, as many parents are for their adult DC and has consequently become a doormat. You can't fix it and, as you've realised, there's no point raising it. “

^
I agree with this. your mum is allowing your DS to treat her this way and the only thing that will change it is if your mum starts having boundaries. As you say there is no point talking to your sister.

In your shoes I think I would speak to DM in the new year and suggest she might want to look at her own behaviour and how she manages demands from DS. What is she scared will happen if she says no? Does she know how to say no? I would only try once with DM though and then step back. If DM chooses to let the situation continue that is, sadly, her choice.

Great advice thank you

OP posts:
daisybe · 25/12/2023 13:35

Spencer0220 · 25/12/2023 12:24

Not as far as I know, or mum knows. Just that she's not needed.

Mum calls going to my sister's her work.

Earlier in the year when she was very unwell I had to insist my sister check on her and get shopping. DSis most outraged she was asked.

DH and I not able to go as we couldn't drive.

Show quote history

Ok, your sister is clearly using your mum as free labour and treating her as a servant, not mother.

I do feel you ought to tell your mother she should probably no longer go out of her way to help out since she's seen as a burden unless "needed" and is not thanked in kind for her efforts in some way.
That's awful and very poor behaviour from a daughter to her mother.
Your mum won't be around forever. She deserves better.
She's lucky to have you at least but sister.... I'm shocked! I'd never treat my mum like that.
I help mine more than I help myself sometimes and I pay her back in some way if she does something for me. I sort her prescriptions, pop to the shops, buy her stuff she asks for that she wouldn't know where to get otherwise etc simple gestures but it's a respect thing. I'm sure your sister wouldn't want her kids to treat her that way later!

Testina · 25/12/2023 13:41

“Earlier in the year when she was very unwell I had to insist my sister check on her and get shopping. DSis most outraged she was asked.

DH and I not able to go as we couldn't drive.”

Your mum’s choice to be a doormat for your sister is on her. You’re not winning any awards yourself for that though!

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 25/12/2023 13:49

Testina · 25/12/2023 13:41

“Earlier in the year when she was very unwell I had to insist my sister check on her and get shopping. DSis most outraged she was asked.

DH and I not able to go as we couldn't drive.”

Your mum’s choice to be a doormat for your sister is on her. You’re not winning any awards yourself for that though!

What did you expect me to do? We aren't local and both disabled. We literally couldn't get there to help.

I phoned multiple times a day to check on her and organised my local sister - albeit unwilling - to fetch what was needed.

OP posts:
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