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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I tell my son's gf parents?

37 replies

Toocooltoboogie · 25/12/2023 05:58

Both 16. A few days ago they both got stoned. My son was a mess - as far as I'm aware it's the first time he's tried weed. I think I should tell her parents. We don't know them and we are not friends but I have her Mum's mobile number. My son begged me not to because they'll go ballistic and are very strict. My friend who works with adolescents advised me not to and I should concentrate on parenting my son as he's my priority. She said I'll ruin the trust between us and they may become more secretive.
I still think I should because if it was my daughter I'd want to know she was going down this track so I could offer support. If I'm honest I don't really like her and I've been worried she's bad news for a while. I know she's drinks regularly and smokes occasionally however I'm not blaming her for my sons choices. I hold him fully responsible for the state he got himself in. I just wanted some feedback from those of you that have been in a similar position.

OP posts:
Pussygaloregalapagos · 25/12/2023 06:00

I wouldn’t.

Fivepigeons · 25/12/2023 06:01

At 16 I think your sons trust is more important than letting this girls parents know actually... and tbh if she is as you describe they probably already know.
I'm not sure you contacting them about it will achieve anything positive for anyone in this situation

bananaxapple · 25/12/2023 06:01

You have already said yourself you don’t like her, so I think you’ll tell them anyways tbh.

Sausager · 25/12/2023 06:03

My friend who works with adolescents advised me not to and I should concentrate on parenting my son as he's my priority. She said I'll ruin the trust between us and they may become more secretive.

Your friend is right. 100%

autienotnaughty · 25/12/2023 06:06

Agree. If she was say 13 I would think tell her but no I think focus on your child.

Original poster
Toocooltoboogie · 25/12/2023 06:06

No I'm asking for advice. I'm not going to tell her parents because I have concerns about her. I want to do the right thing for my son mostly but also for her. She's only 16 and may need some help navigating these waters.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 25/12/2023 06:06

your friend is right, just leave it concentrate on your son.

Yiayoula · 25/12/2023 06:08

Another one agreeing with your friend.

Original poster
Toocooltoboogie · 25/12/2023 06:09

OK thanks for replies. I won't say anything. That was sorted quickly! 😁

OP posts:
Hummusanddipdip · 25/12/2023 06:10

Agree with majority. I wouldn't. If you have actual concerns about her safety beyond not liking her, maybe ask your friend to talk to them.

Them being the children not her parents.

everyredsock · 25/12/2023 06:10

Please don't. It will really damage your relationship with your DS. I don't understand why you can't see that.

Hiddenvoice · 25/12/2023 06:13

I understand the want behind telling her parents and just looking out for her but this time I wouldn’t. I would worry it would risk your relationship with your son.
I would be upfront with your son and say if it happens again then you will be telling her parents though.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/12/2023 06:24

I have a 15 yo dd. Some parents can be really strict and it isn’t always necessary to involve them. Can you not take the girl under your wing and talk to her? This is likely to be far more effective than telling her parents.

My dd and her friends aren’t taking drugs and smoking. However, I did a couple of times at this kind of age, and drinking. I would much rather have had an adult other than my parents (especially as my mother was very judgmental of me) taking an interest in my well-being.

AgentJohnson · 25/12/2023 06:26

Your friend has given you excellent advice.

Original poster
Toocooltoboogie · 25/12/2023 06:29

Mummyoflittledragon yes I was going to make more of an effort to get to know her. I do ask Ds if he wants to invite her on family stuff but he usually declines.

OP posts:
Oblomov23 · 25/12/2023 06:32

More importantly what are you going to do re parenting your son? It would concern me that he can't see that his choices are so poor. If she really is as unsuitable as you say, then this says more about his personality, his personnel skills at not being able to see it, his impressionable nature at not being able to advocate for himself and say no. That'd be more my concern. So what do you plan to do?

NameChangeasIkeeptellingpeopletofuckoff · 25/12/2023 06:36

This must be a wind up?

Two 16 year olds experiment with weed and you're talking like it's a meth addiction. It's all perfectly normal.

You do realise they'll be having sex? Drinking alcohol. Again, all fine.

Stop being so precious

Original poster
Toocooltoboogie · 25/12/2023 06:41

Oblomov23 I am parenting my son. If you read my post you can see I haven't asked for advice about that but thanks for your input.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toocooltoboogie · 25/12/2023 06:42

NameChangeasIkeeptellingpeopletofuckoff
Thanks for your input. Have a lovely Christmas

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 25/12/2023 06:51

Toocooltoboogie · 25/12/2023 06:29

Mummyoflittledragon yes I was going to make more of an effort to get to know her. I do ask Ds if he wants to invite her on family stuff but he usually declines.

You can insist a bit more about this if you want. We have 3 DDs and I'm a bit of a bore about getting to know partners if they make it past the 6 month point as I want to be sure that they are all taking it seriously bfs included.

LivFG · 25/12/2023 07:02

It's become a mess. Drugs all the time. I hope you're not going to normalise this behaviour and deal with it. I'm sick of hearing about drugs and the impact they're having - but worse is the fact people are constantly making excuses for it. It's an illegal behaviour and it should be treated as such. I hope your son learns from this.

Gizlotsmum · 25/12/2023 07:07

If you would honestly be telling them out of concern that is one thing but it sounds like you want her to get in trouble as you don’t like her ( maybe hoping they break up) I think that is different and I wouldn’t. Parent your son and accept they parent differently to you.

Londonrach1 · 25/12/2023 07:07

Your friend is right. Your son's trust more important.

henrysugar12 · 25/12/2023 07:13

I agree with what your friend said. Concentrate on your own child. For all you know, you might get a negative reaction from the parent anyway... and the kids will not thank you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/12/2023 07:17

Wallywobbles · 25/12/2023 06:51

You can insist a bit more about this if you want. We have 3 DDs and I'm a bit of a bore about getting to know partners if they make it past the 6 month point as I want to be sure that they are all taking it seriously bfs included.

Show quote history

I think this is good advice. My 15 yo dd hasn’t had a boyfriend yet. Dated a couple of boys. She understandably doesn’t want me to interfere and so far nothing has lasted. But if they do get more serious, I definitely think it is important to have some involvement as parents.

As for family stuff, that sounds as though you have younger kids? I’m thinking maybe you could do something with your ds and his gf without siblings?