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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas gift argument AIBU?

75 replies

TheWitche · 24/12/2023 22:53

Genuine thoughts here required for my stubborn DH and I! Stupid problem to have. Child aged 9 wants a drum kit for Christmas. It’s all they have asked for, they’ve been drumming in school and love playing music etc so perfect present.

I have bought the drum kit and most of the other Christmas presents, although DH has helped and wrapped. Join effort id say.

We have an outhouse and DH has decorated it, although we’ve bought got rid of the crap and moved stuff out. Both of us are really excited!

I proposed we do stockings, then breakfast, then show the child the outhouse and their present (given it’s the only thing they really want)

DH wants to open stocking, breakfast, open all other presents then show child as a last surprise. I think this will make them think they won’t be getting it and I don’t want them to feel disappointed on Christmas Day.

We are at total loggerheads over this as I don’t agree with his approach, but he’s of the opinion that he’s done it so it’s his way. I don’t want child to be sad as he thinks he’s not getting it anyway, what’s the point of prolonging the ‘surprise’ when it’s Christmas Day?!

YABU - DH has done most of the prep for the gift, it’s his way.
YANBU - To avoid any potential ‘sadness’ do it your way

OP posts:
AuntMarch · 25/12/2023 00:34

We always did big present last, with a treasure hunt to find it, first clue would be an envelope hidden in the tree. But we always knew there was something else hidden somewhere so there was never the disappointment first.

FictionalCharacter · 25/12/2023 00:39

TwentyThreeFifteen · 24/12/2023 22:57

That would be a bit cruel
Imagine going to bed hoping and dreaming that you are going to get a magical gift, but then you open everything and it’s not there. Awful. Getting it later won’t take that feeling away.

I agree. It's unkind to deliberately disappoint a child and then do a reveal later. He'd be happy he got it after all, but the earlier disappointment would take the edge off his happiness.

NoSquirrels · 25/12/2023 00:41

Do you have other DC to consider? Or is it just your 9 year old on Christmas Day and the rest of the family are adults?

Glowygoose · 25/12/2023 01:04

You want your child to feel excited and elated at a long wanted gift NOT relief!

you do it your DH way and he’ll feel ‘relieved’ to get it instead of elated.

itsannie86 · 25/12/2023 01:10

I like your DH approach — I grew up always opening stockings / small presents first thing in the morning then big present after dinner and that is how I have raised my children too — it makes it all the more sweeter and keeps the excitement lasting throughout the day!!

Surely you can just communicate this to DC and say there’s an extra special present to look forward to later.

MariaLuna · 25/12/2023 01:12

Pity the neighbours...

PeloMom · 25/12/2023 01:48

Can’t you show him right before you head out for lunch at the latest?

LaurieStrode · 25/12/2023 02:43

We always reveal best present last, so not really seeing the problem.

Maybe work on his resilience if a few hours delay is going to be so crushing.

Sharpness19 · 25/12/2023 02:54

Jeez, I remember a Christmas where I was sent to the garage to get potatoes a good few hours after I opened my other presents. I found a brand new bike in there! A Chopper 😂 (showing my age) and it didn’t emotionally scar me one bit! I was delighted. Still love thinking of that memory.

mondaytosunday · 25/12/2023 03:01

I feel my see a huge difference . Once he sees his drums he won't care about the other presents. It's the grande finale - I'd do it his way.

MayThe4th · 25/12/2023 03:15

What happened to people being grateful for what they’re given?
I mean surely asking for something shouldn’t be a guarantee of getting it?
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with saving the biggest present until last.
As for the grown woman who ruined Christmas because of her childish strops over a car, I would have taken it back, and the spoiled would be lucky if she got anything in future.

WaltzingWaters · 25/12/2023 03:23

I think stocking stuff. Then main present. Then he’ll still be excited to open his other things rather than just being disappointed whilst opening them thinking there’s no drum kit.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 25/12/2023 03:49

Compromise and do it half way through the present opening. Why not put an envelope under the tree with a note telling him to go the outhouse and then it is just when he gets to that envelope.

XenaTheWarriorPrincess · 25/12/2023 04:01

Yeah, yabu but it's nothing to do with who did more so gets to make the decision, that's just weird.

The way your dp is suggesting is basically how my dad did it for me and my brother when I was a kid. We had a few smaller presents and one 'big' present.

I distinctively remember the Christmases of getting my first mobile phone, first tv and first computer. I'd asked for them but been told no by my dad (either not this year, you're too young, or we can't afford it) and then bam, after opening everything else and eating, it was then presented to me.

I was definitely more surprised and more delighted than I would have been if I'd just asked for it, assumed I'd get it and then got it straight away.

I also spent the rest of the day playing with or watching the big gift so was pretty much done with family time, so it was a good shout to give it later in the day.

I understand why you might think it's a bit cruel, but honestly it's what I plan to do with my daughter once she's here as well, and the subterfuge is more wholesome than you think.

The only issue with this approach is if/when you genuinely can't afford something he's asked for, or don't think it's appropriate for him so basically aren't going to buy it. He may spend the day assuming it'll turn up at some point which would be disappointing.

Unless you want him distracted the whole day by the drum kit, leave it til later.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 25/12/2023 04:11

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 25/12/2023 03:49

Compromise and do it half way through the present opening. Why not put an envelope under the tree with a note telling him to go the outhouse and then it is just when he gets to that envelope.

Or wrap the sticks up and put those under the tree and include the note in there

whosaidtha · 25/12/2023 04:29

What you propose is worse.
'Here's you're present ds. Now you've spent 10seconds looking at it come back in the house so everyone can open all their presents and play as they go. But you can't play with yours because it's family present time.'
Much better to open all the presents. Do ds last and then he can play with it while you get ready for the rest of the day.

electriclight · 25/12/2023 05:02

I prefer to save the main presents until last too. I've certainly never felt that I was being cruel. I still remember that feeling of opening all of my presents as a child and then the big reveal of a bike or a dolls house. It's lovely. It would be cruel if he thought he was getting it but wasn't. As it is, he's been led to believe that he might not get it so it will be a wonderful surprise.

toomanytomatoes · 25/12/2023 10:29

engineering as much disappointment in another person (which they have to try and disguise) to try to increase ‘gratitude’ later on is about the GIVER wanting maximum kudos for the present rather than about the receiver being happy.

Its shit. I feel the same about people who pretend to have forgotten someone’s birthday and later have a surprise party. Why deliberately make someone feel like shit for hours so you can performatively ‘unshit’ the situation later like some kind of saviour. You still put another person through hours of feeling shitty and sad.

it’s just weird.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 25/12/2023 10:38

Why is your son getting an outhouse for Christmas?

Or is an outhouse something else now?

I’m so confused…

Cerealkiller4U · 25/12/2023 10:41

My dad did that to me and it’s actually one of my most cherished Xmas presents of him!!!!

I still love the story to this day

IAmAnIdiot123 · 25/12/2023 10:41

toomanytomatoes · 25/12/2023 10:29

engineering as much disappointment in another person (which they have to try and disguise) to try to increase ‘gratitude’ later on is about the GIVER wanting maximum kudos for the present rather than about the receiver being happy.

Its shit. I feel the same about people who pretend to have forgotten someone’s birthday and later have a surprise party. Why deliberately make someone feel like shit for hours so you can performatively ‘unshit’ the situation later like some kind of saviour. You still put another person through hours of feeling shitty and sad.

it’s just weird.

But that's not what op dh has suggested, he just wants to give the biggest present at the end.

When I was a kid, I didn't automatically get whatever I had asked for. I wouldn't be looking for a specific gift just because I had asked for it.

LaurieStrode · 25/12/2023 10:41

Exactly, @IAmAnIdiot123

Floralnomad · 25/12/2023 10:42

MariaLuna · 25/12/2023 01:12

Pity the neighbours...

This is what I was thinking . I hope they are remote or that this outhouse is soundproofed .

XelaM · 26/12/2023 10:02

Did your son love his drum kit 🥁? Hope you did it your way 😃

SpongeBob2022 · 26/12/2023 10:14

I agree with you.

Having read other comments...either it will lead to disappointment, or be a nicer surprise. I would rather forgo the nicer surprise as the disappointment would upset me.

I would only do it as a last gift if its a tradition in the family that last gifts are the best (so the expectation is there). Or if the best gift is a similar size to all the others so the possibility is still there

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