Poverty doesn't explain my feelings?

[Calender24]

I really hope someone here can help me and give some perspective. I always seem to struggle around xmas.

So I grew up on a family of four, mum was a sahm and dad worked full time. His income was just enough to feed us, there was no poverty but they had to count every penny. We had two cars, a garden, I took piano lessons, and food was often delicious, home made. We travelled occasionally but not abroad. The money was always tight; once, when we were returning home from a holiday, my dad had to siphon fuel out of the tank because the price of what he had already filled up our car with was too high and he had miscalculated. I remember being terrified we would never get back home.

At some point I seem to have concluded that the economic burden was too much to my parents and I remember being very stressed about them being stressed! I began to live a very minimalist life at the age of about 12: I no longer spent time with my friends (no need to buy them b-day presents), I didn't ask for new clothes, new make up. I chose the cheapest eye glasses no matter what they looked like. I refused to celebrate my graduation. I felt like I needed to escape.

My parents and me have discussed this years later. They agree the money was tight, but they don't share the sense of total scare and anxiety that I felt back then. I was and still am convinced my dad was very stressed and on the edge and that every wish I made would have caused a downward spiral into total poverty and scare. They don't think so at all. Dad agrees he was often stressed but thinks that was nothing unordinary, just life. They say everything was in control they just had to plan very well. I remember the "siphoning fuel" incident as a very scary episode whereas my dad thinks he was just finding a practical solution to get the money back and fuel in the car elsewhere.

So the money was tight but the scare and worry I felt is something they don't see as justified at all. They think we did well as a family, after all.

Can anyone help me understand why I feel so devastated and anxious about my childhood's financial conditions, despite my parents not sharing the same fears? I was just so worried My dad would not make it and the pressure would be too much. I feel like I absorbed all that worry and fear and magnified it.

If your parents had communicated better with you throughout explaining money related issues then your perception would have likely been different. Nobody on MN can diagnose you, OP, but it strikes me that your fears are deep rooted in childhood and unreasonably magnified, which is a classic feature of anxiety disorder, potentially generalised. This would require seeing a professional to be formally diagnosed, but what you're describing are not healthy ways of thinking (but that is not to say they aren't perfectly valid in your circumstances if you're an anxiety sufferer, speaking from experience).

Yes this was me. I spent my early teens in a profound state of fear I would be killed by the IRA. I used to make escape plans and block my window in case of a drive by shooting. I lived in a sleepy hamlet in the middle of England.

My parents had no idea and I expected it was all sparked by a brief news story.

With hindsight it was a manifestation of my anxiety which has plagued me on and off throughout life

(Prior to that I had been afraid of sharks in the swimming pool -but I can blame my brother for that one as he told me they went in the deep end!)