Poverty doesn't explain my feelings?

[Calender24]

I really hope someone here can help me and give some perspective. I always seem to struggle around xmas.

So I grew up on a family of four, mum was a sahm and dad worked full time. His income was just enough to feed us, there was no poverty but they had to count every penny. We had two cars, a garden, I took piano lessons, and food was often delicious, home made. We travelled occasionally but not abroad. The money was always tight; once, when we were returning home from a holiday, my dad had to siphon fuel out of the tank because the price of what he had already filled up our car with was too high and he had miscalculated. I remember being terrified we would never get back home.

At some point I seem to have concluded that the economic burden was too much to my parents and I remember being very stressed about them being stressed! I began to live a very minimalist life at the age of about 12: I no longer spent time with my friends (no need to buy them b-day presents), I didn't ask for new clothes, new make up. I chose the cheapest eye glasses no matter what they looked like. I refused to celebrate my graduation. I felt like I needed to escape.

My parents and me have discussed this years later. They agree the money was tight, but they don't share the sense of total scare and anxiety that I felt back then. I was and still am convinced my dad was very stressed and on the edge and that every wish I made would have caused a downward spiral into total poverty and scare. They don't think so at all. Dad agrees he was often stressed but thinks that was nothing unordinary, just life. They say everything was in control they just had to plan very well. I remember the "siphoning fuel" incident as a very scary episode whereas my dad thinks he was just finding a practical solution to get the money back and fuel in the car elsewhere.

So the money was tight but the scare and worry I felt is something they don't see as justified at all. They think we did well as a family, after all.

Can anyone help me understand why I feel so devastated and anxious about my childhood's financial conditions, despite my parents not sharing the same fears? I was just so worried My dad would not make it and the pressure would be too much. I feel like I absorbed all that worry and fear and magnified it.

I am so relieved by this thread!

My parents split when I was 6. It was financially very difficult for my mum, and I overheard lots of her phone conversations about things (open bedroom door because my sister didn't want it closed at night, very small house and it took me ages to fall asleep at night) that made me so anxious about money. As an adult I've discussed this with mum and things actually were bad.

I agree with PPs - some children like us are unusually perceptive, but don't have the capacity to fully understand/interpret adult situations. I was a very very anxious child, in part because I sort of knew I didn't understand everything.

I'm fine with money with my husband but still worry about my mum's finances now even though she's fine. I don't like thinking about my childhood though tbh - I just think about all that anxiety I had. I really didn't like being a kid.

With my own children I'm very careful about what they overhear, and I don't brush worries off they might have like my mum did (I know she thought she was comforting me but if just made it a lot worse).

I relate a lot to your thread. I didn't do things like go to school dances and our ball when I was a teenager because I felt guilty asking my parents to pay for it. My sibling had no such qualms and went to them all.

People take different things from the same conversation, and kids are just the same. My younger brother, now adult, talks of being terrified by conversations overheard as a kid that my Dad might be made redundant. I, present at exactly the same conversations, don't remember this at all - it just didn't register as an issue with me.

It sounds like you thought you were poor, but your parents may have just been a bit tight with money rather than poor?

Piano lessons and holidays and home cooked meals, do not indicate poverty in any way, shape or form.

I agree with your parents and sister that you may be remembering differently, and whilst this doesn't take away your deep rooted anxiety, you can't be annoyed with them for not agreeing with you.

I think you may have had anxiety in your teens and remember incidents that made you very anxious and maybe magnified everything.

I say this as someone who grew up poor and didn't have piano lessons.

@Calender24 Your experience as a child resonated a lot with me. I had a chaotic mother who never worked, never kept a clean house, never learned to cook, could start a row in an empty room and was never organised. I too listened to conversations that were behind open doors which revolved around my mother’s ridiculous spending habits. Money was tight (everyone’s money was tight in the 79’s and 80’s) but she would do things like spend £100 (a huge sum back then which would be twice the amount of a quarterly large phone bill) on a trainset for my Dad - who had never expressed an interest in owning one. She also did the same with a top-of-the-range scalextrix - again something my Dad had never expressed an interest in. My Dad was furious at the time and rightly so given he spent no money on himself and worked very hard, and at the time, interest rates had gone sky/high. She also spent hours on the phone after he had told her not to as they couldn’t really afford it. He was obviously really worried about money all of the time but managed to keep these worries to himself. Not so with my mother who would slag him off to us regularly. I was a really anxious child as a result and always worried about money and as a teen spent a lot of time earning it to the detriment of my studies. I was very envious when I went to uni of people with no money worries and who had enough funding to concentrate on their studies rather than getting a pub shift. However that experience also made me determined to earn enough to buy anything I wanted as an adult and aldo for my child. And I value loyalty and discretion a lot as an adult. I have explained the value of money to my DD (she has grown up with private schooling, fancy holidays and a lovely clean house) but have never burdened her with any worries I might have about it. She is happy, secure and able to concentrate solely on her studies which is all I ever wanted for her. My DH also grew up with his Dad being made redundant more than once, so financial security is something we both share.

My sister (who was favoured massively by my mother) would not have the same recollection of our childhood. It absolutely doesn’t mean it didn’t happen though.

Oh, and I’d also add, my mother was a complete narcissist so would absolutely deny anything that happened from the past which would paint her in a bad light.

I also struggle when someone does something lovely for me, or gives me a thoughtful present - as if I don’t deserve it or it might cause a fuss, when deep down I know I do. I spend a lot of time choosing thoughtful gifts for friends amd my family and quietly helping others who are struggling, which my sister absolutely doesn’t ever do. It is surprising how the same upbringing can result in two completely different adults in terms of their outlook on life.

I could have written this, too. I talked to my Mum about it recently and she said that yes, she was stressed and very shouty but that we always got by and that it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was. But I remember her watching the price ring up at the grocery and her sending me to put back whatever was left on the belt when it hit the figure of whatever was in her purse more than once.

My father was a useless bastard who perpetually tried to get out of paying child maintenance, usually conveying that message via me. I’ve always been terrified of not being completely financially independent, practically so as well, if I’m really honest, and expecting anything from someone else gives me the fear big time.

Thank you all.
Interestingly I never really worry nor worried about my mum coping. Even tough she was the one who had no money at all. But the thing is, she was no stressed, she was not anxious, she did not stay awake in the night and worry. Maybe she overcompensated with positiveness but still.

Whereas my dad would say things like
"An injured soldier is a useless soldier" = you have to stay in good shape and be very careful not to get sick etc because then you cannot pay the bills. He would work even in high fever and norovirus.
I think his rigid attitude made me feel life was a tunnel we had to run through.

My brother remembers money being a lot tighter than I remember. We were definitely not poor. (At one point my parents were paying for 5 sets of music lessons!). But he remembers it being tight.

I've put it down to the years before I started school and my mother returning to work... we would have been 5 &7. So he remembers and I don't.

I've got a similar worry with my children... my elder DD definitely remembers me being ill when she was 6/7. Younger DD doesn't. But elder DD had to do a bit of premature growing up and is extremely responsible for her age (12yo... its been remarked on she seems a lot older than her years maturity wise not in a bad way)

I agree with others, I can't quite grasp your view, because of the 2 cars, holidays, piano lessons.

How old are you and what did your previous counsellors say? Please book some counselling now.

Do your 3 siblings see it the same, or differently like other posters have said there siblings see it differently?

It's very sad to read about not keeping friends so no birthday presents. What have you done previously to address your anxiety.

How will you reconcile the fact that your parents see things suddenly. They could have cancelled your piano lessons so they had more fuel for that trip. But they didn't. Why do you think that was?

People above talked about protecting children and yes that does need to be done. But there are no guarantees. And we can't protect them completely. Thats unrealistic. So as a balance, there's also the life skills of teaching them that bad things do happen and we have to learn to cope. Eg other children do get bullied in primary, your best friend at 7 might move away if their parent gets a job and they relocate, children do get ill, parents of primary children do pass away. Many children see such things in primary but it doesn't necessarily create anxiety as bad as yours.

Hopefully a counsellor can help you work on your anxiety.

Kids can't process stuff like that yet. It's usually wise advice to not share financial situations with children. It leads to fear like you describe. My parents struggled a lot and told me everything. My dad treated me like his therapist from a very young age. I knew way too much but had no way to process it. I'm 42 and still trying to have a normal view of money. So with my kids I will lie before I tell them I'm stressed about money. I'll defer it to something innocuous and age appropriate. I'm sure your parents didn't mean to cause you any discomfort. It's not something anyone is taught. Who is taught how to parent? We figure it out as we go along and usually from making mistakes. We're lucky to have so much info at our fingertips now. I don't really have any advise, just that it's really normal to have that experience affect you the way it did. I still look for the cheapest thing on the menu when I eat out. I've been doing that since I was a small child. Some people take it to extremes and try to make as much money as possible so they never feel that way again. Warren Buffet is a really good example. I just read a story the other day about how he took his other filthy rich friends out for dinner and he took them to McDonalds, and used coupons! So it just goes to show that childhood money worries leave a lasting foundation.

It seems that for many there was no balance. Some parents not protecting them and letting them hear stuff they shouldn't, others been told too much like a therapist.

But where's the other side? It's fine to say no, we can't afford that, no we aren't going to buy it right now, or we'll have to plan and save up to buy that x box/ bike/holiday.

But where's all that? Are we doing it better these days? Little of that seems to have got done to posters who are now parents themselves. To make sure that our children don't be anxious about money, so they don't always immediately look for the cheapest thing on the menu. It pains me and makes me sad to read that.

I'm not sure it's about a child's perception vs an adult's. OP says her sister wasn't affected in the same way. I grew up in poverty (to a greater level than OP) and I learned not to ask for things or even want them really. But I've never felt the anxiety she describes about not having enough money to get through a journey for example.

Some people are simply more anxious than others, it's a personality trait. I'm quite relaxed about things, I've never fretted about not having enough money despite being a single mum on benefits at times. I've never taken multiple pg tests or gone for extra scans when pg and I've never taken my dcs to A&E for reassurance. I see all those things on here and I can't relate to the worry. Things happen or they don't. Fretting about it doesn't change the situation.

Could it be that it was not the tight money per ce, but my perception of my dad suffering? I was not worried about tight money as much as I worried about my dad feeling pain and extreme unease as a result of it! It might be difficult to explain but it is like I saw an injured bird and felt very anxious seeing it suffer.

So many insightful responses, thank you all.

I got so determined to end this annual subconcious routine of getting anxious around xmas. So I've now spent a good while trying to figure out the root causes of my feelings. There are so many families struggling, and mine was definitely not in poverty. Then why so anxious?

What I realized was that for reasons I might never know, I have from a very early age concluded that my dad is struggling and that I should help. That his main pressures stem from me and my desires to have a new doll, ice cream etc. Which is not true. I realized that even If I never visited them and even if they no longer had to offer me a lunch, my dad would still need to buy things: food for mum and him, new socks, pay the bills etc. So he would (in my mind, possibly not truly) have those anxious money related moments anyway. My mum loves gardening, thus dad has bought so many garden-related supplies in the course of several years. And I never saw those tulips and roses and stuff make him uncomfortable or struggle or have an gastric ulcer. Just my wishes and my expences. Wow.

typo: a gastric ulcer, not an

Some very thoughtful and hopefully helpful posts on here.

OP, a parent's primary role is to keep a child safe - physically and emotionally. From your descriptions of your parents, your dad did not do this. It is inappropriate to burden children with adult worries because they are powerless to solve them. Yoir dad should have shielded you from his worries.

The way you have absorbed his anxieties is sad testimony to this. Please look after yourself by investing in therapy; you can recover from your traumatic memories and you can reduce your anxiety.

I understand why you feel that way. Your dad probably thought he was doing the right thing and encouraging the family to 'be prepared' for the worst, but he didn't realise the anxiety that could cause. And he was an adult and could put things in perspective and had the big picture, but you couldn't because you were a child all you could see was scarcity and the risk of running out of things.

It doesn't really matter whether your parents agree with your recollection of financial struggles and fears about getting home after the petrol incident etc. What matters is that you seem to have been under alot of stress as a child which your parents didn't deal with. They should have noticed how scared and stressed you were and reassured you /explained that there was no need, they had to stick to a budget but that didn't mean they were properly struggling etc. It sounds like your child brain interpreted the situation negatively but reasonably but parents didn't really notice / deal with that properly. All you can do now is draw a line under it, agree to disagree by saying "we saw things differently but can't change it now" etc and try to allow yourself more freedom than you have in the past.

I could have wrote your post x

I have exactly the same reaction as Thepeople re: fear of financial dependence. In my case, it is to avoid being in the same shoes as my mother who was financially dependent on my father. She warned me not to rely on a man and advised me to have my own career.

My sister and I reacted in completely different ways. She still looks to my father to bankroll her as an adult because her earnings are limited. I chose the most lucrative job within my skillset and worked it throughout my career.

My sister and I have different personalities and skills, which would explain our reactions and choices. I do think my mother overburdened me with her financial worries when I was growing up. She used me as her confidant and therapy. That was inappropriate as I was a child. I went for scholarships to avoid burdening my father financially, took part time jobs and started working as soon as reasonably feasible. Financial insecurity is ingrained in my psyche.

How is your anxiety now OP?

Thank you for your thoughts.

My mum sees dad differently, she thinks dad is very capable and strong. But I'm not sure If she really feels the way she claims she does.

Like blueshoes, I also went for scholarships and left home at the age of 16. When I graduated I got some money gifts (cash) from relatives and my mum had borrowed a portion of them without my consent. That sort of convinced me: I had been away from home for 2 years and had managed to cut my expences for my parents to maybe one fifth of what would've been without the full scholarship and still they found it necessary to borrow my savings without asking than my dad's. So I still wonder if my mum, deep down, also tries to protect dad. Otherwise she could have asked him for money instead of borrowing what I just had got as a graduation gift?

Thank you, beautifully articulated really. My mum doesn't and didn't ever know how much money dad had. So she was not able to explain things to me or my Dsis.

Thank you for starting this thread OP, as it's given me food for thought and I thought I'd share my own experience.

My parents were fairly well off when I was growing up. They had their own business which did really well. Both were from poor backgrounds financially. I don't think they had money worries (my father earned in excess of £100k per year even in the late eighties)but used to go on and on about money all the time. I remember in the late eighties or maybe early 90s the mortgage went up by £10 per month and they went on and on about it, moaning and saying they'd 'need to find that extra £10'

My mum never bought clothes or shoes, and has a very dim view of anyone who is into clothes/make up/style, and again used to try to spend as little as possible on clothes for me and my sister, and would moan about the cost of it all.

I then got with a partner that financially abused me, and wouldn't spend on anything ever. I wasn't even allowed to buy deodorant. Had my eldest child. And then my almost crippling obsession and anxiety about money and finances started.

Basically I worry about money all the time. I ditched the abusive partner and have been with my husband for 25 years. We are very comfortably off financially; he has his own company and I have a highly paid job. But all I ever do is worry about money, and wish we had more.

Like someone has mentioned upthread, food shopping gives me a panic attack. Paying bills gives me anxiety. Buying anything gives me anxiety. I put my whole salary each month into our savings and rarely spend anything from it, and feel guilty if I do.

When I was pregnant each time was the worst time of my life with anxiety worrying about upcoming finances and money.

This is all pretty embarrassing to admit really, and I have never told anyone.