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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have lost my patience with DHs moping around

27 replies

cracking1 · 24/12/2023 12:20

DH is in a shit position this Christmas. It was supposed to be our year to have DSS for Christmas but his ex has done a 360 and decided she's keeping him (that's a whole other thread). He's not kicked off about it as he didn't want to fall out over Christmas and make it awkward for DSS who's caught in the middle.

DH has been struggling with the thought of not seeing DSS at Christmas which I understand is really difficult for him and he's been quite down about it.

I've just lost it with him today though. It seems this has now all turned around on me somehow (lashing out I suppose but really unfairly imo).

He was in an awful mood all morning saying ti just leave him alone etc.. and I said look I understand its really shit but we have a shared DC too who's Christmas it also is and he can't just make it about DSS, he needs to try and move past it to give our child a nice Christmas.

I then got a huge barage of abuse saying I don't give a shit about DSS, all I care about is our child, I don't give a shit that he can't see DSS over Christmas etc etc. Basically turning the whole thing round on me.

I am so hurt. I am a good step mother I know I am. I have spent my own money (we don't share finances) on presents for DSS, I have gone out and made him his own Xmas eve box despite him not being with us and filled it with nice things for when he does come and so on.

I just lost my patience with it and told him how unreasonable he was, how if he ruins our child's Christmas over this he's a fucking twat and he needs to either grow some balls with his ex or get over it if he just wants to roll over to her in future. I'm now not talking to him and am just so angry that he's lashed out at me in that way. Saying all I care about is our child and not DSS is SO unfair. I do so fucking much for DSS.

Happy bloody Christmas I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
cracking1 · 24/12/2023 12:23

Basically I know he's in a rubbish situation and I have sympathy. This all came to light weeks ago so not like he's just found out. How much patience can I reasonably be expected to have with his sulking?!

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 24/12/2023 12:25

Not much

And if his ex is this unreasonable then he needs to go to court.

How old is DSS?

Original poster
cracking1 · 24/12/2023 12:26

I have suggested court through the entirety of our relationship because this situation is not unique. But i get shot down as he doesn't want to rock the boat and make things worse. But then I'm expected to just sit back and deal with this shit whenever it goes wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
cracking1 · 24/12/2023 12:27

He is 10

OP posts:
GaryLurcher19 · 24/12/2023 12:31

He is behaving like a brat and taking it out on you. I wouldn't stand for that. YANBU at all, OP.

Luxell934 · 24/12/2023 12:32

Your not being unreasonable OP Only he can fight for his son.

How much contact does he have and does he pay her maintenance? The child is 10 so he won't be a "child" much longer, he needs to fight for him in court if she won't let him see his son.

AtrociousCircumstance · 24/12/2023 12:34

He’s a nasty, selfish man.

So many of these threads, with horrible men like this. Being cruel and selfish and diminishing their partners, their children. It’s heart breaking.

SilentSoubriquet · 24/12/2023 12:34

Leave him to it. Have Christmas for yourself and your child, and leave him to sulk. If he misses it out, and then blames you, I would actually think about leaving him.

Hopefully he will buck up and apologise once he realises he’s missing out.

Prelapsarianhag · 24/12/2023 12:39

Typical, to make his second family second class, let's hope his youngest DC does not notice.

SquirrelSoShiny · 24/12/2023 12:42

Yanbu at all. This is kick the cat syndrome.

Tell him you're not a fucking cat to be kicked and to direct his anger more usefully. His son is ten and soon his own wishes will be the main thing.

Cherrysoup · 24/12/2023 13:24

It is not your fault that his ex has been so nasty. However, he needs to stop being a moody arse with you, he will ruin your child’s Christmas and yours if he doesn’t stop. Fine, he’s upset, no doubt you sympathise, but he can’t carry on sulking like a teenager who’s had his phone privileges rescinded!

Olika · 24/12/2023 13:27

You haven't been unreasonable at all. I would have told him to get a grip too. Leave him to sulk and concentrate on yourself and your kid having a good Xmas.

EndOfMyTether11 · 24/12/2023 13:29

Sulking won't solve anything hing. You're not the one doing it to him. YANBU. Sounds like a big man child, take her to court if it's such a big issue.

IveOnlyEverHeardOutwithONHere · 24/12/2023 13:31

Your H should file to the court for a CAO if his ex is being awkward about access. He absolutely shouldn’t be taking it out on you.

I’d be waiting untill he’s calm down a bit, then sitting him down and telling him the way he spoke to you was hurtful and unacceptable, that you won’t be his emotional punchbag and that he needs to apologise.

countbackfromten · 24/12/2023 13:33

You sound like a wonderful mum and step-mum and your DH is being a complete arse to you. I hope he realises what a git he is being, apologises and bucks up for the rest of Christmas. Wishing you a Merry Christmas

Testina · 24/12/2023 13:50

Does he have form for this?
His reaction to you was disproportionate and not OK. And if he was ruining things for your joint child, you have no choice but to speak up even if he does want to be left alone. But… I read this part, and did have some sympathy as I have been in the position of just needing some space to get over my mood and getting frustrated with not being given that space.

“He was in an awful mood all morning saying ti just leave him alone etc.. and I said look I understand its really shit but”

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 24/12/2023 13:56

He’s taking it out on you because he doesn’t have the courage to take it out on his ex-wife (ie get a court order). If nothing else, that makes him a coward and a bully.

Deeply unattractive.

Youregoingthewrongway · 24/12/2023 14:06

You’re not being unreasonable, op. It’s a shit situation for him and I feel so sorry for him that he won’t see his ds, but that’s the situation he agreed to, reluctantly or not. So he just needs to put a brave face on it for the sake of his other child. Kids feelings at Xmas trump adult feelings. He needs to stop being selfish.

wronginalltherightways · 24/12/2023 14:07

YANBU to have lost your patience with him. This wasn't 'new' information for him, and he's not willing to 'rock the boat' to get terms set in stone. So this is on him as much as it is his ex, frankly.

He's being grossly unfair to you and his other child by taking it out on you and taking down the house mood-wise. Not just your child, HIS other child. And he needed to be pulled up.

Do not give him a pass on this. He needs to act like a grown up now.

Topjoe19 · 24/12/2023 14:09

He's a prick. It's ok to be upset. It's not ok to expect everyone else to suffer for it.

StoodySmithereens · 24/12/2023 14:12

No life for a 2nd wife.

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/12/2023 14:21

YANBU and I doubt I'd have acted any differently to you.

TravelInHope · 24/12/2023 14:36

It’s all his fault. LTB.

welcometothnuthouse · 24/12/2023 15:19

TravelInHope · 24/12/2023 14:36

It’s all his fault. LTB.

Trot it out love - if it was only that simple there would a hell of a lot less women on here complaining about shitty partners.

SoNotRainbowRhythms · 24/12/2023 15:24

If that is how he behaves I can understand why his ex doesn't want their child in his care.

YANBU.

Does he have a court order? He could apply for one so things are clear, or better have an agreement via mediation/ consent but if he s not capable of being reasonable that will be miserable for everyone, especially DSS