Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH shook head as he walked off

49 replies

HundredPercent · 24/12/2023 09:49

DH is taking the kids out in his own this morning, he doesn't usually do this. As he left I said "do you want to take the kids' drinks?", he replied "I was going to buy them drinks there" then as he was closing the door with his back to me I saw him shaking his head. This has really annoyed me! AIBU to be annoyed by this? I was just trying to help. I see him do this to his DM all the time, basically saying "what an idiot / nag / etc".

For context, we are not getting on well at the moment because he is going through a tough time and has some MH issues which he will not address and instead blames his problems on me / the kids / work / the house. Don't want to get into all that, just trying to decide if I'm over reacting to the head shake by unfairly being annoyed! Thanks

OP posts:
Willywanker1 · 24/12/2023 09:51

Stop looking for problems! Chill out and have a nice Christmas

TizerorFizz · 24/12/2023 09:51

Mine does that all the time. It’s arrogance. He knows better than you. Leave him
to it. Decide when enough is enough though.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 24/12/2023 09:51

Ooohh that would have irritated me too, probably not worth bringing up though, as I'm not sure what it would achieve. You did well not to call him out in front of the kids.

Dotjones · 24/12/2023 09:52

I think you're over-reacting. Shaking his head as he walked away is pretty low down on the scale of things one partner can do to annoy another. I doubt he even intended you to see it.

Willywanker1 · 24/12/2023 09:52

If you're not getting on, and you're mothering him by asking if he has everything then you're only going to start a big row. Save it for another day

Fourfurrymonsters · 24/12/2023 09:52

Are you just looking for a fight, OP? Because this kind of small stuff is exactly the way to stir the pot.

successismyonlymotherfuckingoptionfailuresnot · 24/12/2023 09:52

It's irritating. Passive aggressive and childish.

Willmafrockfit · 24/12/2023 09:53

it is not very nice but you say he has mh issues, so they are the reason perhaps

pictoosh · 24/12/2023 09:54

Yeah it's an arrogant thing to do but I'm guessing most of us have done it at some point. Don't think it's a hill to die on, on Christmas Eve. xx

flowerchild2000 · 24/12/2023 09:54

Edited to say I misread "DM" as "direct message" for some reason, not "Dear Mother". Not sure if that changes my thoughts about him though.

The head shake on its own is not much but the head shake plus "idiot" is horrible. He said it to you or to someone else? Either way he's really mean, selfish, and childish. Don't make excuses for him. I have terrible MH issues but I take responsibility for them. If someone calls names they need to apologize and never do it again. He doesn't respect you at all. Almost like you're his punching bag.

Kaleidoscopeofbutterflies · 24/12/2023 09:55

He's trying put you in your place.. thinking he's superior.
Ignore it.. have a happy Christmas...then after tell him he either gets help or moves out.

betterangels · 24/12/2023 09:55

It's not great, but it's not worth an argument on Christmas.

Desecratedcoconut · 24/12/2023 09:55

I hate fuss, I particularly hate trying to get out of the door with three kids, feeling like you are just over the threshold and then somebody suggesting another job. I think a head shake is a fairy benign form of exasperation but perhaps it is more meaningful if you have hit a rocky patch.

Original poster
HundredPercent · 24/12/2023 09:56

Fourfurrymonsters · 24/12/2023 09:52

Are you just looking for a fight, OP? Because this kind of small stuff is exactly the way to stir the pot.

Good point, I think I am doing this. I am cross about how he has been behaving for the past year so I'm flaring up about small things. I will try to remember this as I am trying to do the right thing.

OP posts:
Pigeonqueen · 24/12/2023 09:56

For the sake of peace over Christmas I’d just let it go. Deal with the other issues when things have calmed down.

LinnieM · 24/12/2023 09:56

flowerchild2000 · 24/12/2023 09:54

Edited to say I misread "DM" as "direct message" for some reason, not "Dear Mother". Not sure if that changes my thoughts about him though.

The head shake on its own is not much but the head shake plus "idiot" is horrible. He said it to you or to someone else? Either way he's really mean, selfish, and childish. Don't make excuses for him. I have terrible MH issues but I take responsibility for them. If someone calls names they need to apologize and never do it again. He doesn't respect you at all. Almost like you're his punching bag.

Edited

He never called anyone an idiot. The OP is implying that’s what he thinks when he does that in response to his mum.

I don’t see the problem OP. Sometimes you have to hold your mouth not to cause further problems. If that means shaking your head and keeping your mouth shut then so be it

Branleuse · 24/12/2023 09:57

When people aren't getting on well, then every little thing will be more irritating.
I don't know if you're asking if your husband should be allowed to shake his head at things or if you think you should say something about the audacity, but it really depends on what you are hoping for?

I think I would stop trying to help him and let him work it out for himself. If the kids are thirsty when out with him, then that's his problem.

fourelementary · 24/12/2023 09:57

Sounds like he was pissed off at being micro managed rather than seeing it as you trying to help. I know my BIL would have reacted like your H as he and my SIL have a crap relationship where they see the worst in each other and don’t communicate well at all. Whereas my husband would have seen that as helpful and said “thank you- I was thinking of getting a drink there- would taking drinks be easier though?” And considered it with me or at least been appreciative but that is because we are partners and our interactions are based on trust that we are on the same team and have the same goal of doing our best for our family…

It’s a shame your husband is struggling mentally but you need to sit down with him and say it’s not okay to not get help to address this as it is affecting him, you and your family. Ask him how you can help make it easier for him to get help.. and if he refuses then maybe you need to protect yourself and your kids from bearing the brunt of his poor health.

ShinyCaptain · 24/12/2023 09:58

I think If you see him do it to his dm again you can say something about his passive aggression.

Lucy377 · 24/12/2023 10:03

Picking a fight is a great way to get someone's attention.

It's the opposite of having a reasonable chat to talk things through.

I wouldn't pick a fight on Christmas Eve.
You don't want the kids remembering that.

Try to park it for a couple of days, things are stressful anyway.

Sometimes when we are stressed we are super controlling and scrutinizing others behaviors in order to find fault with them.
Or is that just me?

So things I'd normally be flexible over, I'd be super picky with.

ComtesseDeSpair · 24/12/2023 10:04

I think this one goes both ways. You think he’s treating you like an idiot / being passive aggressive by shaking his head; he thinks you’re treating him like an idiot / being passive aggressive by micromanaging him / implying that he forgot drinks because he’s incapable. And yes, it’s clearly because of the wider picture of not getting in and being poor communicators. That should really be the focus for the new year, to stop treating each other like the enemy when you’re meant to be in the same team.

Original poster
HundredPercent · 24/12/2023 10:04

fourelementary · 24/12/2023 09:57

Sounds like he was pissed off at being micro managed rather than seeing it as you trying to help. I know my BIL would have reacted like your H as he and my SIL have a crap relationship where they see the worst in each other and don’t communicate well at all. Whereas my husband would have seen that as helpful and said “thank you- I was thinking of getting a drink there- would taking drinks be easier though?” And considered it with me or at least been appreciative but that is because we are partners and our interactions are based on trust that we are on the same team and have the same goal of doing our best for our family…

It’s a shame your husband is struggling mentally but you need to sit down with him and say it’s not okay to not get help to address this as it is affecting him, you and your family. Ask him how you can help make it easier for him to get help.. and if he refuses then maybe you need to protect yourself and your kids from bearing the brunt of his poor health.

Thank you, we definitely fall into the crap relationship category at the moment, I think that's what's upset me, it brought it home to me when he reacted to me like he would to his DM, I never thought that would happen but a lot has changed between us in the past year.

I have tried different ways to encourage him to get help but he will not. I don't think it's bad enough to need to leave. I just don't know how to fix it.

OP posts:
ZombieGirl86 · 24/12/2023 10:09

It's disrespectful so yes I'd be annoyed. I probably would pull him up on it and point out how it makes me feel/ask why he behaves that way yes.

Tbh it's important to stand up for yourself and the kids to see this is not OK in my book

fourelementary · 24/12/2023 10:11

@HundredPercent Couple counselling in the new year? It can really help save relationships and he might see that therapy is beneficial. When I worked as a relationship counsellor it wasn’t unusual to see in therapy that one of the couple required their own separate counselling in order for the couple work to be able to happen… perhaps that would be the case here too… it wouldn’t hurt!

Original poster
HundredPercent · 24/12/2023 10:15

fourelementary · 24/12/2023 10:11

@HundredPercent Couple counselling in the new year? It can really help save relationships and he might see that therapy is beneficial. When I worked as a relationship counsellor it wasn’t unusual to see in therapy that one of the couple required their own separate counselling in order for the couple work to be able to happen… perhaps that would be the case here too… it wouldn’t hurt!

Thank you, I will suggest it, once things are calmer.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts, I feel less cross now and can see things from the other side.

OP posts: