DH shook head as he walked off

[HundredPercent]

DH is taking the kids out in his own this morning, he doesn't usually do this. As he left I said "do you want to take the kids' drinks?", he replied "I was going to buy them drinks there" then as he was closing the door with his back to me I saw him shaking his head. This has really annoyed me! AIBU to be annoyed by this? I was just trying to help. I see him do this to his DM all the time, basically saying "what an idiot / nag / etc".

For context, we are not getting on well at the moment because he is going through a tough time and has some MH issues which he will not address and instead blames his problems on me / the kids / work / the house. Don't want to get into all that, just trying to decide if I'm over reacting to the head shake by unfairly being annoyed! Thanks

Do you think that would help get the relationship back on track?

Was he going to be out hours and hours with the kids op? Or just going for a trip to the supermarket or something? If so why do you have to take drinks for the kids - can’t they just wait until they get home?

I agree with this, it’s a symptom of a bigger issue which doesn’t need to be delved into this side of Christmas. Tackle it in the new year when all the Christmas madness is over. Good luck OP, I’ve been where you are and we came out the other side with a bit of work on both sides x

Yes I do. I think she needs understand why he might be feeling like he needs to let frustration out that way and he needs to understand how small negative behaviours builds up to a toxic environment. Communication is key here they are having bigger issues and this might seem 1 tiny thing but it's part of something bigger they need to work through.

OPs feelings aren't less important if dh is depressed. If anything the worst thing you can do is let things slide like this.

They do need drinks, they will be out for a few hours, he says he will buy drinks, I guess there is an underlying conflict of me trying to bring things from home to save money and him being happy to buy things when out.

I'd be more bothered about the fact that he doesn't usually take the kids out on his own. Why is that?

Many reasons but it's quite far down our list of issues.

I agree, you were just spoiling for a fight, clearly you have got to the stage that you annoy the fuck out of each other. Where minor things irritate you, him annoyed about the drinks, you annoyed about the head shaking.

I think my comment came from a good place though, I was trying to help. I can see how he might have been annoyed by it though. I don't think his head shaking had any positive to it.

When you’re annoyed with someone, then every little thing they do annoys you.

But you need to stop finding things to be annoyed about and let the little things go, else you’re going to start an argument or just wind yourself up.

Remember that your kids are seeing and feeling this tension and so letting the little things go will really help them.

He is their parent.
You don’t need to remind him to take their drinks.
If he forgets them and has to buy them then that is his problem, not yours.

Take some time for yourself whilst he’s not there.
Some exercise or full effort cleaning, followed by a bath/shower is such a great way to unwind.

Sure, but it’s not a competition and “he started it” is unedifying.

I mean....have you never got frustrated with him? Swallow it down and don't let it ruin your Christmas

He didn’t call her an idiot.

@HundredPercent you were trying to micro manage. I would guess he feels like this a lot.

You may think he needs micro managed because he is useless and think it’s reasonable or helpful. But that doesn’t mean it is or that he can’t react to it.

But honestly, he shook his head. Would you prefer him say out loud, in front of the kids ‘don’t micromanage me’. That would have annoyed you just as much given the state of the relationship. Might have even led to an argument.

Honestly. I find it rude and irritating. My H (soon to be ex) rolls his eyes when I'm talking, fake laughs at me, mimics me. It's all very disrespectful and contemptuous.

I think its the OP who needs to 'get help' given her making a thread about something like this

Why did she think she was superior to 'remind' him about drinks, hes the dad, if he goes off without drinks he will soon know about it but he had his own way of doing the drinks during the trip out, so she shouldnt have inteferred.

This. It's minimizing.

I would have given him a secret middle finger as he walked away. Always makes me feel better when people are being pricks. I do it at work with annoying customers and colleagues too, will be nice as pie to their face and once they've turned, bam... makes me feel like I've got one over on them 😆

From the other side I’d feel micromanaged if you were to make comments like that to me. It’s the tiny little comments that add up that all scream “you don’t know what you’re doing, I don’t trust you to know how to parent.”

IME this is what someone does who is unable to say what they actually want to say or what they're feeling. So instead of saying 'I've got it covered' or even 'I don't need you to tell me what they need', he does this. IME anyway. It's less arrogance and more repressed emotions/someone who won't say what they think. It's up there with 'Fine' and 'Nothing' as responses at different times. It enrages me a little too. I sometimes say 'If there's something bothering you, just say it.'

Don't get upset over something so tiny! More than likely he took your offer to help personally, as he maybe thinks you think he can't do it all without your help. It's a tiny thing, just give him a big hug when he comes back and tell him you think he's amazing, he probably needs that.

People get pissed off with each other. Anyone can be out of order, when they're in a bad mood etc. Some people on here telling you this head shake means you need to get a divorce are absolutely ridiculous. Soon someone will tell you it's emotional abuse and you must leave immediately.

Think it totally depends on the wider relationship.

We occasionally have things like this. Dh might shake his head, sometimes he grins (denies it). Sometimes I point, it annoys the hell out of him I don't realise I'm doing it.

It's something and nothing. I'd have probably shouted "erm don't shake your head at me", he'd have denied it given me a kiss and that would be the end of it.

Do you and his Mum micromanage him? Especially if it comes to the children or what was once seen as women's work? I've seen that happen and then the women are wondering why learnt helplessness has developed. It's Christmas Eve and if you don't normally buy food/drinks when out it will make it more of a treat.

This.