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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who buys for DDs Grandparents

26 replies

SquirrelySponges · 24/12/2023 06:01

This is my 1st Christmas as a single Mum. My DD sees her Dad every few weeks for a few hours (when it suits him generally). I don't have any communication with his parents at all anymore apart from occasionally seeing them when I drop off and collect my DD from seeing her Dad.

I have presumed that at Christmas and birthdays and any other event we would buy for our own parents. For example I would buy gifts for my parents from DD and my ex would buy for his parents from DD. I am now worrying last minute that he won't have thought of this and that his parents won't get gifts from DD and will miss out. Although I don't have a relationship with them DD does and I don't want them to feel left out.

I've only just thought of this and it's Christmas Eve! Do I stay quiet, go with my presumption and if anything is said tell them that my ex should have sorted it. Or do I ask my ex if he has sorted it and if not get them a last minute present today?

YABU - Ask and go and get them a gift if necessary

YANBU - They are his parents and you have enough to do caring for DD alone and arranging Christmas for her and your family. His parents are his responsibility.

I know I'm probably just overthinking and it's my anxiety kicking in but any advice will be appreciated thank you x

OP posts:
usernother · 24/12/2023 06:02

It's his responsibility to buy for his family. I wouldn't worry about it.

MaryShelley1818 · 24/12/2023 06:03

You shouldn't have to sort for his parents, absolutely not. But I would if it was going to be important for DD.

ZekeZeke · 24/12/2023 06:05

His side = his responsibility.
If your DD is old enough, she could make a home made card or painting/drawing?

onestepfromgrace · 24/12/2023 06:06

How old is your DD? Will she see her DGP's at Christmas and be aware that there is no gift from her?

You need to start the way you mean to go on and that is ask him if he has sorted it and bought a present for his parents and remind him that it is his responsibility.

OneMoreMyWay · 24/12/2023 06:14

I am now worrying last minute that he won't have thought of this and that his parents won't get gifts from DD and will miss out.

You know what, I would bet an awful lot that right now he is not thinking "oh, I haven't organised something for @SquirrelySponges parents from DD. Oh no, they might miss out."

His side, let him sort it. If he hasn't then what? You're planning to do it for him next year? If his DP's make a comment, which they really shouldn't, just say you thought he'd have organised something. If he complains you haven't sorted something just stare at him in disbelief. Then ask what he's bought for your parents.

Original poster
SquirrelySponges · 24/12/2023 06:17

Thank you. She is only 1 so loves crinkly paper and twinkly lights but is not aware what's going on yet. She will see them when she goes to visit this afternoon but won't see them on Christmas Day.

OP posts:
hanschristmassolo · 24/12/2023 06:18

I was with my ex husband nearly 20 years - I don't buy gifts from the children to his parents.

SoSad44 · 24/12/2023 06:19

I would send a Christmas card from DD. He is responsible for presents.

urbanbuddha · 24/12/2023 06:20

If she’s only one I wouldn’t worry about it. When she’s older she can make them a card. It’s really up to their son and they’ll know that.

Original poster
SquirrelySponges · 24/12/2023 06:20

That's a very good point. When we were together gifts for me were bought on Christmas Eve after I'd driven him to the shops so he would never consider my family's gifts in advance!

I think I'm massively overthinking, I do have a habit of that!

OP posts:
Original poster
SquirrelySponges · 24/12/2023 06:27

Thank you. I like the idea of her making them a card but you are right, I will leave the rest to my ex. That was my gut feeling but I have a habit of overthinking and getting a bit anxious.

I'm trying so hard to keep things amicable and friendly so that things are as happy as they can be for my DD as she grows up. I just don't want to annoy people and start arguments though I also don't want to be a mug and walked all over. I'm aware I'm a walking contradiction but you have to find balance don't you.

OP posts:
ofestivetree · 24/12/2023 06:31

It's for him to decide. You might think they miss out if your one year old doesn't get them a present he might think it doesn't matter until she's say 5.

It's his choice. (Even if his choice is crap)

Ragwort · 24/12/2023 06:36

I can't imagine many grandparents would really expect a present from a one year old ?

Original poster
SquirrelySponges · 24/12/2023 06:38

Ragwort · 24/12/2023 06:36

I can't imagine many grandparents would really expect a present from a one year old ?

Maybe not but I think it's a nice thing to do. My parents help me out with childcare and have bought DD a large present for Christmas and I think buying them a little something back is a nice way to say thank you.

OP posts:
NonSequentialRhubarb · 24/12/2023 06:38

I'm not a single parent, and we still each take responsibility for our own sides of the family. Absolutely no reason you should buy for his side when you're not even together!

Sandysandwich · 24/12/2023 06:39

It's for your ex to sort and not something you have to worry about. If they are disappointed that they don't recieve anything, it won't be disappointment in you or your daughter it will be in their own ineffectual son.
You don't have a relationship and your daughter is way too young to know anything about it.

NameChangeAgain23 · 24/12/2023 06:41

I buy (pay for) pressies from DC for their Dad, his family his responsibility!

VeganNugsNotDrugs · 24/12/2023 06:43

His responsibility especially if you have no real relationship with them. Might be a nice gesture to make a card (get some paint or pens out and let her go to town on it) as a good grandparent relationship is something worth maintaining. Just because you don't have direct contact with them now, doesn't mean you won't in the future.

LenaLamont · 24/12/2023 06:47

I don’t know anyone who buys presents for grandparents on behalf of their young children.

By the time the child is old enough for drawing pictures etc, yes, but not something from a baby.

GreatBigYou · 24/12/2023 06:48

onestepfromgrace · 24/12/2023 06:06

How old is your DD? Will she see her DGP's at Christmas and be aware that there is no gift from her?

You need to start the way you mean to go on and that is ask him if he has sorted it and bought a present for his parents and remind him that it is his responsibility.

No, don't even ask him about it. It's not on you to remind him.

DH and I are very much together but I still don't get involved with presents for his family and!

Pemba · 24/12/2023 06:50

I honestly wouldn't think that anyone would expect presents from a one year old, since the child has no concept of giving gifts at that age. I wouldn't think that awareness would come until the age of four at the earliest, and then it should be her dad's responsibility. Don't worry about it!

Mumtime2 · 24/12/2023 06:52

If you want to give a gift, send a scribble if she can hold a pen.
A photo of her.
Otherwise leave them to it its all part of the dynamics of family life for you all.

itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 24/12/2023 06:54

If you had direct contact / a relationship with them I would buy a gift from DD.
As dd gets older you can help her make her own gift, a lovely afternoon of messy crafting.
If later down the road they offer any childcare while you work I'd buy them a gift from you at Christmas.
Leave it to your ex this year

Mumof2teens79 · 24/12/2023 06:57

Definitely his responsibility.

My children don't buy their grandparents gifts, they come from us as a group so if he hasn't bought his parents anything from himself thats his problem

Have you bought for him from her? Do you think he has bought for you?
Often that is the grandparents role if the other parent doesn't do it.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 24/12/2023 07:08

I'd get DD to do a handprint for them. It's your ex's responsibility but would be nice gesture.