Not going to in laws on Christmas

[avwy1996]

I probably am but just looking for the opinion of someone looking at the situation.

My DP and I always rotate between my parents and his at Christmas. Last year was mine and this year was supposed to be his. Bit of a back story, last year I had my DS the week before Christmas and the in laws came down in the morning and we went to my family. I ended up having a c-section so felt rubbish and shattered and we were home after a couple of hours.

This year my grandparents decided they would host. I spoke to DP asking if we could go as they hadn't hosted in years and they probably would only be hosting this one time. He was happy to go and let his family know and I suggested they come down in the morning and if do breakfast for everyone and spend some time.

Fast forward to this week. There is an issue with my grandparents house meaning they can't host so my parents are now having to. In laws aren't aware of this yet. They want us to go to their house before we go to my side which would only give us 2 hours from when my son wakes up to having to leave to get to theirs at a decent time. So we would realistically only have an hour tops to spend with our DS on his first proper Christmas. I've told DP I don't want to be running around mad going from A to B and not getting the time with DS. He feels stuck in the middle which is obviously hard but I just feel we should be having our own Christmas morning with our DS in his house and if anyone wants to join they are more than welcome.

Next year we will be at the in laws and my parents will pop onto us in the morning. Sorry for how long this is but I just am frustrated that no one really is thinking about our new family getting a nice Christmas morning

So don’t go to anyone and spend time at home as a family?
It’s what we have done since having DC, but even before then we never got into a rota, we sometimes went on holidays at Christmas, or fancied a lazy Christmas Day as a couple.

Now is the time to make your own traditions that suit your set up.

And how on earth do you already have next year planned? That is insane! Seriously tell people you’ll see how it goes or you’ll stay home with DC. Whatever but don’t agree to Christmas arrangements over a year in advance!

If it was up to me I'd be at my family every year 😂 so swapping it about was the compromise which I was happy to do. Just feels like his side have forgotten what it's like to have young kids!

Isn't it! But that's how DP likes to work things

I’m not kidding, nip this in the bud now. I have been stuck in the alternate years trap for way too long and I’m feeling very resentful. At the very least establish a “not leaving our house until noon” mantra.

The crux of the issue is you really don’t want to go to his parents - imagine he felt the same about your side but he still goes along with it

suck it up buttercup!

That's how I feel right now. DP isn't "fighting" our little families corner and you can feel the tension. Do not have the energy for this back and fourth every year

DS is 1 and won't remember this or even think it's particularly special. So he's a red herring.

I think it's that you don't want to go to his, he's being nice about going to yours. Why not do yours, at home, his, at home? So it's only once every 4 years.

Once you have children, I think you should spend Christmas morning in your own home. That's my opinion. Anyone interested can come to you.

TBF to him he agreed to your family two years in a row. So I think you need to work if out nicely, rather than think of him as the bad guy.

Yeah he's defo not the bad guy in this at all. He's just stuck and doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings which isn't fair

We are in the minority but we don’t do the alternate year thing. We just go to my family. Every year 😆 My husband’s parents are seperated and really make no effort at all and didn’t even when it was just him so I now don’t see why we should bend over backwards. The first year we had a baby his mum said they weren’t coming to us (almost an hour away) so we had to drive there. This was over 4 hours out the day by the time we drove there, spent time there and drove back. We then still had his dad to visit after this, then my grandparents and finally my family. We also had to fit in opening presents with our baby in the morning and breakfast. It was honestly one of my least favourite christmases! All we did was drive from one place to another. This year we didn’t make any plans and when my husband’s family hadn’t arranged anything a couple of weeks ago we just arranged to go to my parents. We have offered an open invite for breakfast throughout the morning for whoever wants to come but made it clear our son will be playing with his toys and we won’t be spending the day in the car. You’ve got to do what suits you/your kids at Christmas, not what will please other people. If family want to see your kids, they’ll go out of their way to see them

You don't have to go anywhere. Just stay at home on Xmas day and enjoy it as your own small family. Pop in to parents & In-laws on Boxing day or the day after.
So much stress and nonsense over Xmas

I refuse to visit anyone on Christmas day. Now you have a baby it’s the perfect time to put your foot down and make a new routine for years going forward.
we see family on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day, and have Christmas Day at home with just our household.

I think you're being a bit unfair. His side has given up their "turn" and still want to see you. Did dh invite them to your house like the original plan? I think they're looking for compensation for postponing their turn as opposed to forgetting what it's like to have a young family.

You could even do a new tradition of everyone at yours on Christmas Eve for a party, or Boxing Day for a buffet. Pitch it as a new exciting idea so that you get more time with them rather than rushing around on Christmas Day itself.

You don’t want to go to in laws.thats fine. If you must rotate…
i’d introduce one year at your own home, one with yours family, one with his.

we do Christmas in our own house every year, we were clear if anyone wanted to join us they’d need to come to us.

Yep introduce a new tradition!!

Something that will work well for you and the DC that is also fair.

Given your changed circumstances it is fine to start a new tradition. Especially given the adequate notice period you are giving!

My all time fav Christmases with my boys were when they were 2-6 years old. Totally magical! There’s no way I would waste time and energy travelling anywhere on Christmas Day.

Our family tradition is to chill at home. Family drop by mid morning and get snacks and drinks laid on. For me Christmas is all about my boys being happy and they prefer to stay home.

It's stuff like this which made me give up Christmas completely (and I'm not a Christian so can largely ignore the whole caboodle) My winters are so much better now, more relaxed and happy.

However with a small child, I would stay at home. Tell everyone now so they can get used to the idea. Give them an hour long window when they can call in, preferably bringing food for you. Don't host, your baby needs you more than the kitchen does. If necessary, issue lists if what to bring.

Going forward, never get trapped into the "my side this year, your side next year" routine. Mix it up, go somewhere hot and sunny one year, go to visit friends another year. That way nobody gets to demand what they think they are expecting.

Stay at your own house. Use your child as the excuse - go back to rotating when it’s a bit more suitable for your lives.

If I had my way, I’d insist on staying home every year but that doesn’t quite work out in practice, various reasons. Therefore I have made one firm and fast rule I will not budge from, I will only visit one house / see one family unit a day over the Christmas period. I couldn’t be doing with the frick-arsing around rushing to and fro, rushing visits and being late to everything anyway. Takes all the fun out of it.
That being said, It would be fair, imo, for you to see your in laws this year. It’s not right to keep steaming ahead with only seeing your family, when your husband has the same attachment to his own.

All this chasing about is bonkers.
New rule - you will have Christmas morning at your own home. Anyone who wants to visit can.

No more taking turns . Just decide what suits your family near the time. You host some, PIL host some and your family host some. Do not try to be in more than one place on Christmas Day!
We have Christmas Day just us - it’s great!

I think it depends if your in-laws will be on their own at Christmas. My partner has one brother who lives away whereas I have lots of siblings. If my in-laws are on their own then we go to them with our 2 kids (they never expect this but really appreciate seeing family). If we go to my folks we still call in to see them before we go as they live 5 minutes away. If both sets of parents live close by then it is reasonable to try and fit them both in? Either that or host but then you have to cook! 😂🙈

I think, now if the time to change things around and have a frank and open conversation with both sets of parents and your husband. They may need reminding what it is like as they were new parents at some point too.

What do you and your husband want to do at Christmas? Decide and tell the parents. Its not unreasonable to want Christmas at home and for them to come to you now. Maybe have them over Boxing day or visit them Boxing day and Skype them Christmas morning so they can see their grandchild opening the presents.