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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To drink whilst in sole charge of toddler?

68 replies

MuxMoo · 23/12/2023 21:01

Currently upstairs trying to defuse a situation that I am left wondering if I am in the wrong for and so I thought a post on here may leave some clarity.

Me and my partner have DS who is 16 months, a DD who is 5 and my partner has a son who is 11. DS is rather clingy to me and due to still breastfeeding, I am more often then not a walking dummy (we’re working on it!), this has meant that it’s only been the last couple of months that I’ve been able to leave him for longer periods of time. So today I thought that I would go out and have some girl time just me and DD and go watch a film at the cinema, have some lunch and grab last few bits of Christmas shopping. Had a really nice day together and was gone for around 5 hours. When we got home, as soon as I got in the door I could hear in my partners voice that he had, had a drink. I asked him if he had and he snapped back ‘yes, why is that a problem?’ - thought to myself here we bloody go. I just said ‘I don’t think it’s the best idea to be drinking whilst you’re in sole charge of DS as you need eyes in the back of your head with him at the best of times!’ - that was it then and as he’d been drinking he was defensive straight away and started calling me all sorts including an effing see you next Tuesday, calling me absolutely vile, telling our daughter I’m absolutely evil and it’s my fault that daddy is shouting and stuff like that.

Don’t get me wrong, my partner wasn’t absolutely out of his face drunk, he had managed to make tea for us for example, and I understand it’s Christmas and people like to let loose a little - but surely responsibility comes first? Or am I being uptight?
If DS was a older then it wouldn’t bother me as much, but he’s still very much at the age of trying to cause all sorts of havoc, he actually has a fat lip which was apparently caused by him falling over - just typical it happens today eh?
This argument then resulted in him saying he’s going out and taking his step son home so he doesn’t have to listen to the arguing (by arguing he means him shouting at me) which meant he was planning on driving, insisting he wasn’t drunk. I’ve hid his keys because I can still hear it in his voice that he is over the limit. Told him I’ll stay upstairs out of his way so he doesn’t need to leave (as much as I bloody wish he would), but the whole evening he’s just kept returning upstairs to demand his keys and give me more verbal abuse, telling me I’ve caused all this when I can honestly say that apart from trying to put my point across for about 10 minutes whilst we were downstairs, I’ve honestly not said a word to him and just let him unload on me apart from asking him to please leave it when our daughter has been upset at him shouting. He’s fallen out with his mum as well about it and told me it’s my fault that he’s called his mum a see you next Tuesday as well, telling me I’m a control freak cause I’ve hid his keys.

So heartbroken, my daughter is Christmas obsessed and tomorrow is obviously Christmas Eve and she’s so so excited. Just don’t know what to do moving forward, she’s been so upset tonight crying that she doesn’t want daddy to go and asking for my reassurance that he will be here when she wakes up. What do I do 🥺

OP posts:
HangingStars · 23/12/2023 21:06

You LTB. That sort of abusive behaviour is absolutely not ok, at all. And drinking to the point that it is obvious to someone else that you’ve been drinking, whilst in sole charge of a toddler, is also not ok.

Is he always like this? Or just when drinking? Either way, I’d be making plans over Christmas for how you can leave.

Coka · 23/12/2023 21:11

Your poor daughter and his son. You need to leave him for the sake of the children as this is no environment to grow up in. So sorry he has done this over xmas.

StarDolphins · 23/12/2023 21:11

I am not against a few drinks while looking after children, iI have done it many times, as have all my friends so that side yabu.

However, the bigger issue here is that he is abusive. Calling you names and infront of your DD is just awful & someone would only call me evil once to my child.

Olika · 23/12/2023 21:11

Personally I think one shouldn't drink when alone with babies or toddlers or young kids. You have to be able to react (soberly) if something happens. But I am very strict about it and don't drink at all as I have a 20m old to take care of.

UsingChangeofName · 23/12/2023 21:13

When we got home, as soon as I got in the door I could hear in my partners voice that he had, had a drink. I asked him if he had and he snapped back ‘yes, why is that a problem?’ - thought to myself here we bloody go.

I’ve hid his keys because I can still hear it in his voice that he is over the limit.

I don't think a parent has to abstain completely, because they are looking after a child, or some children, no, but from these phrases, that isn't what you are talking about.
You are talking about having too much to drink, which is completely different.

However That sounds like it is the least of your problems. You seem to be talking about an abusive thug. That would be my concern.

JJJSchmidt · 23/12/2023 21:14

Personally I wouldn't drink while in charge of a child at all. Professionally I advise that at least one parent/carer should always be sober enough to act rationally in an emergency. Clearly your partner had drunk enough to impact on his judgement which I would advise against. Separately however he is clearly very abusive and that is nit okay for you to be the victim, of for your children to see and hear. So please take some time to safely reflect and gain some professional support around leaving.

brainworms · 23/12/2023 21:14

Time to throw him out. Throw his keys in a river or something.

UsingChangeofName · 23/12/2023 21:15

As an aside, what's "an effing see you next Tuesday" ?

Original poster
MuxMoo · 23/12/2023 21:15

@HangingStars thank you for your reply. That’s the thing, if he was having a couple glasses of wine etc whilst making tea it wouldn’t of worried me, but the fact is that he had what turned out to be 4 rum and cokes (and I know he normally makes them as doubles), so he was more then just a bit merry.

So we had issues at the start of this year with his drinking, he was actually borderline alcoholic after drinking too much over the period of last Christmas which resulted in him continuing it into the new year to the point he was secret drinking and hiding empty bottles etc, this just led to him being ridiculously defensive whenever he had a drink and would always lead to arguments and him being horrible. I told him if he didn’t stop and sort himself out then I would be leaving him. He spent the last half of this year getting his head down in the gym and sorting out his demons which I have been proud of him for, and he hasn’t had a drink for the last 4 months at all. I’m just worried that this Christmas will lead to the same thing as he sees Christmas as a time that people always drink!

OP posts:
PurpleOrchid42 · 23/12/2023 21:18

It's actually illegal to be drunk in charge of a child.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/12/2023 21:18

started calling me all sorts including an effing see you next Tuesday, calling me absolutely vile, telling our daughter I’m absolutely evil and it’s my fault that daddy is shouting and stuff like that.

The drinking depends on amounts, ages, location, all sorts. The above isn't OK in any world. He's abusive to the children.

Mielbee · 23/12/2023 21:19

OP I really feel for you. You are right that to have drunk so much you can hear it in someone's voice is not safe when looking after a child. But the real red flags here are how he reacted when you said that. It's totally unacceptable, abusive behaviour and he is trying to blame it on you. Even blaming you for him swearing at his mum? This is not OK and you and your children deserve better.

wasanneofcleves · 23/12/2023 21:21

It sounds like he's got an alcohol problem and he sounds pretty abusive too. I would certainly consider leaving someone like this unless they could abstain from booze entirely and not lash out like this AT ALL. Screaming and shouting and slagging you off in front of the children is absolutely unacceptable in all scenarios.

I would absolutely have a glass or two of wine at home if my children were in bed. But you're not talking about that at all- 4 double rum and cokes on your own during the day whilst in charge of a toddler is someone with an alcohol problem not someone enjoying a drink.

Zanatdy · 23/12/2023 21:22

Fact he was going to drive his child home after 4 rum and cokes (doubles) is very worrying. Sounds like you’ve got bigger issues if he thinks nothing of calling you that. Inexcusable.

Rumplestrumpet · 23/12/2023 21:24

A single glass of wine with a meal - I wouldn't do it, but it's passable. 4 rum & cokes (even singles) no way, totally irresponsible.

But as others say, the problem here is the abuse. Not just shouting once and instantly regretting it and apologising, but sustained shouting and swearing, and doing so in front of your kids, is totally unacceptable. For your children's sake, you should not accept it. No it's, not buts.

Sorry OP, it's awful for you

Seeingadistance · 23/12/2023 21:25

UsingChangeofName · 23/12/2023 21:15

As an aside, what's "an effing see you next Tuesday" ?

A fucking cunt.

OP, he's an abusive arsehole. You and your children would be much better off without him. Easier said than done, I know, but Women's Aid would be able to advise and support you.

UsingChangeofName · 23/12/2023 21:25

4 double rum and cokes on your own during the day whilst in charge of a toddler is someone with an alcohol problem not someone enjoying a drink.

This. Toddler or no toddler.
If he cannot see that having 4 x double spirits during an afternoon, when not 'out' or at a party isn't out of the norm, then he has an alcohol problem.

Silverbirchtwo · 23/12/2023 21:25

He thinks he was fine, you think he had too much to drink. He's annoyed you think he would put the DCs at risk by drinking too much and is taking it out on everyone. You are both annoyed with each other. Let everyone sleep on it and talk tomorrow you're both too upset now.

Do you know how much he actually drank? A couple of beers or half a bottle of whisky?

Lavender14 · 23/12/2023 21:25

There's so much to unpack here op.

Would I have a glass while ds (1) is asleep in bed and I'm home alone... probably not just incase something happened and I needed to drive. In fact I keep alcohol free cider and gin for this type of occasion so I can feel like I'm having a drink without needing to. I wouldn't judge someone for having one while having responsibility for kids. BUT not to the point where you can hear it in their voice.

The other issue is that he isn't responsible in general while drinking (and probably while sober) and the fact he'd even contemplate drink driving with one of his kids in the car would be enough that I'd never ever trust him to have a drink round them.

Then there is the issue that's he's verbally abusing you. To be honest I'd have phoned the police and had him removed at that stage.

I would not be tolerating this op. If you feel you can stay safely through Christmas then do so, but then make plans to leave urgently. Contact womens aid for support. This is domestic abuse and he's not doing it because he's drunk. He's doing it because he can..

Original poster
MuxMoo · 23/12/2023 21:28

Thank you everyone. He’s repeatedly told me all evening that it’s all been my fault and that I am the cause of this. Even texted me five minutes ago saying ‘I feel sorry for our kids’ after telling me again I’m the problem. So the reassurance from you all is really, really welcomed.

OP posts:
cadburyegg · 23/12/2023 21:28

Your partner is an abusive arse. I am a single parent and I do not drink when I am in sole charge of them which is 80% of the time.

Rocknrolla21 · 23/12/2023 21:29

UsingChangeofName · 23/12/2023 21:13

When we got home, as soon as I got in the door I could hear in my partners voice that he had, had a drink. I asked him if he had and he snapped back ‘yes, why is that a problem?’ - thought to myself here we bloody go.

I’ve hid his keys because I can still hear it in his voice that he is over the limit.

I don't think a parent has to abstain completely, because they are looking after a child, or some children, no, but from these phrases, that isn't what you are talking about.
You are talking about having too much to drink, which is completely different.

However That sounds like it is the least of your problems. You seem to be talking about an abusive thug. That would be my concern.

This. I’ve had a couple of Bacardi breezers every now and then since my dd was around 8 months old. But being drunk enough for you to immediately tell from the sound of his voice is completely taking the piss. I think the guidelines are a bit hyperbolic, but I’m pretty sure that 4 double rums is classed as binge drinking. No way was he in asking care of your child after that

Fortunefavoursthebrave · 23/12/2023 21:29

That is absolutely not ok, he sounds unhinged and abusive. So sorry your daughter had to witness him being so awful to you.

Mcemmabell · 23/12/2023 21:29

When he swears and shouts at you in front of the kids he is abusing both you and them. They are being traumatised.

PeopleAreWeird · 23/12/2023 21:30

Him drinking is NOT the real issue here

Its the verbal ABUSE that he gives you and his children

Stay for Christmas for your daughter
Then LEAVE