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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get the ick over this

35 replies

nomorebuttonuppjs · 23/12/2023 18:17

My partner is a lovely guy in his mid 30s. He is an only child and very close to his widowed mother. He lives in his own house and holds down a responsible job.
All fine and dandy.
She likes to buy him his clothes - most of them - and he lets her.
I do worry there are some boundary issues. She is lonely and of course he adores her, but I think she has forgotten he is a grown up (and maybe he has too?)
Today she bought him button up pyjamas.
AIBU to feel rather turned off?

OP posts:
WhatsInStoreFor2024 · 23/12/2023 18:21

Well each to their own!

Biting them is one thing....does he like them? Would he even wear them?

Dacadactyl · 23/12/2023 18:24

My answer to this depends on whether his mum has good taste in clothes.

If I still thought he looked good, I'd let them crack on.

I'm not a fan of PJs personally but other than those, if he still looked good I'd be ok with it.

ginasevern · 23/12/2023 18:26

So his DM buys all of his clothes or are you exaggerating and she only treats him sometimes and he doesn't want to offend her? Would he happily wear the buttong up pjs? If she literally chooses his wardrobe and he embraces the situation then it would totally turn me off too.

Nasahoodie · 23/12/2023 18:26

Depends. Is it the case of his mum buying the odd random gift? Or that he has no clothes other than those bought for him by his mother?

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 23/12/2023 18:27

I mean it's Christmas..is it really a big deal?

You sound like you may end up being the controlling one..

TwilightSkies · 23/12/2023 18:28

Does she have good taste?

TheChosenTwo · 23/12/2023 18:28

People using the phrase ‘giving me the ick’ is personally one of my biggest turn offs… are you 8?

Pottedpalm · 23/12/2023 18:33

TheChosenTwo · 23/12/2023 18:28

People using the phrase ‘giving me the ick’ is personally one of my biggest turn offs… are you 8?

I agree.

SALWARP2023 · 23/12/2023 18:34

Beware, you may end up as the other woman in your relationship. My MIL was widowed aged 39 and DH was 24 and ended up a surrogate husband. Really strained our marriage. It attracted me to begin with because he seemed so mature and sensible but once the DC arrived I found it waring to come second she also crossed numerous boundaries with the kids which he never sided with me over - such as she decided to wean, potty train, and how to dress them.

Original poster
nomorebuttonuppjs · 23/12/2023 18:35

@TheChosenTwo yup, I am.
@Hungrycaterpillarsmummy Obviously.

Yes, she buys most, if not all his clothes and dresses him according to her taste -but I guess that is also his too.

It isn't just the occasional Christmas present and he lets her look after him completely when she stays (which is for weeks at a time).

Fair enough though, I guess I don't have to like it but that's my issue. They are both happy and it is really not my business.

Perhaps we just aren't compatible - I do like independent people.

OP posts:
Gozdilla · 23/12/2023 18:37

Does he look good?

I mean why does it bother you? Some men just don't have an interest in fashion. My husband would be in the same clothes from 6 years ago if I didn't buy him clothes. They just don't register with him.

Try seeing it a different way? It saves him money?

It probably gives her a sense of still being needed and enjoyment?

I mean if she was tucking him in at night and brushing his hair for him I'd be there with you. But it seems pretty harmless really.

And he doesn't have to wear what she gets him, especially the button up Pj's. Though I think my DH would look quite cute in them at Christmas!

Gozdilla · 23/12/2023 18:38

I don't think it makes him dependent.

I mean before you learnt that fact did you see him as having an inappropriate relationship with his mum? Are there other red flags?

Does he have his own home? A job? A car?

Original poster
nomorebuttonuppjs · 23/12/2023 18:41

@Gozdilla Yes, it probably is nice for her and I shouldn't dismiss the importance of that.
I reckon I am partly unreasonable, I think I am a bit worried that they are a little too dependent on each other. She has no other social connections and won't do anything without him there, but treats him like he is a teenager.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 23/12/2023 18:42

That would give me the ick. No the pjs but the totally intertwined lives.

Gozdilla · 23/12/2023 18:45

nomorebuttonuppjs · 23/12/2023 18:41

@Gozdilla Yes, it probably is nice for her and I shouldn't dismiss the importance of that.
I reckon I am partly unreasonable, I think I am a bit worried that they are a little too dependent on each other. She has no other social connections and won't do anything without him there, but treats him like he is a teenager.

I think the bigger picture is important.

If they lived independent lives but had normal visits and she bought his clothes it wouldn't bother me.

If she's heavily involved and they do alot together socially I'd be a bit more reserved.

Having said that I would hope my sons want to spend time with me when I'm older!

Not at the expense of their relationships though.

I guess only you know how deep this goes, does it make you uncomfortable? Do you get time alone?

Tribblesarelovely · 23/12/2023 18:49

This would give me the complete ick. In fact, I don’t think I could continue with the relationship.

TomatoSandwiches · 23/12/2023 18:49

I'd rather any man I dated have the fashion sense of Adam Sandler than be dressed by mummy.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 23/12/2023 18:50

Well yeh I think you just aren't right for each other then.

Original poster
nomorebuttonuppjs · 23/12/2023 18:52

@Gozdilla It's a difficult one. I think it does overstep the boundaries .
It is great for kids to be close to their parents and care for them, I fully agree.
We do get time alone because she doesn't live near currently but is looking to move closer next year.
She is a nice lady, but her whole life is based around him, he discusses all his decisions with her, and when they are together he defers to her completely.
He lived at home until recently.

OP posts:
ActDottie · 23/12/2023 18:56

Would be the ick for me! Do men even wear pyjamas anymore? Does he wear them or plan to?

YoureALizardHarry11 · 23/12/2023 18:58

Nope, wouldn’t put me off. If it makes her happy to buy his clothes I could tolerate this, as long as she isn’t overly involved in other aspects of his life, it’s a very minor thing to me.

If you went out shopping for the day and he saw a nice shirt or something, would he buy it or ask his mum’s approval? This also makes a difference to me.

NorthernGnashers · 23/12/2023 18:58

There's nowt wrong with button up pyjamas, if he doesn't usually wear them, they may come in for a hospital procedure/visit.

I know a mother who chased after her son's honeymoon departure, the car was winding down the lane after leaving the evening reception, and she ran after the groom, shouting, in all seriousness,
"Stuart, luv, 'av yer got yer pyjamas for tonight?"

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 23/12/2023 19:01

Big question is has she bought herself matching pj's...?

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 23/12/2023 19:01

SALWARP2023 · 23/12/2023 18:34

Beware, you may end up as the other woman in your relationship. My MIL was widowed aged 39 and DH was 24 and ended up a surrogate husband. Really strained our marriage. It attracted me to begin with because he seemed so mature and sensible but once the DC arrived I found it waring to come second she also crossed numerous boundaries with the kids which he never sided with me over - such as she decided to wean, potty train, and how to dress them.

So she was 15 when she had him? Possibly 14 when pregnant? No wonder issues in their relationship!

ClottedCreamScone · 23/12/2023 19:02

You can’t really control what gives you the ick. This sounds pretty innocuous to me but if it turns you off there’s not much you can do about it.