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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel really sad and let down? Dating.

46 replies

DatingQs · 23/12/2023 14:39

Looking for input because I’m new again to dating (divorced about 2 years now). I’ve been with a lovely guy for just over a year. Kind, intelligent, considerate, silly, generous. We really gel well and though I wasn’t actually looking for something serious when we met, he has definitely made me really happy over the last wee bit and has changed my mind about that.

Then last night, I woke up in the middle of the night to find him snooping through my phone. He has apologised, told me he knows it’s absolutely not on, says he doesn’t know what on earth he was thinking.

So as not to drip feed, my ex husband cheated and myself and my kids were devastated. I wouldn’t dream of cheating as a consequence of seeing the damage first hand. My new partner knows this, or at least I thought he did. The only thing that changed is that in the last couple weeks my ex H has been doing my head in trying to be all buddy buddy with me- he seems to think that now the divorce and financial stuff are sorted we can let it all be water under the bridge and be ‘mates’. I do NOT feel this way and have discussed with my new partner how to tell my ex to piss off, essentially, without starting a fight since we still have to see each other regular due to our young kids.

i don’t personally think that is cause for him to think I’m going to run back to my ex. Or it shouldn’t be. I feel really sad and disappointed that he clearly doesn’t completely trust me. Am I overreacting and his concerns are maybe understandable in the circumstances?

OP posts:
daydreamingnightowl · 23/12/2023 14:45

I'll probably be in the minority here but that wouldn't be a deal breaker for me.

I think you need to get to the root of why he was snooping and deal with those issues.

BCBird · 23/12/2023 14:50

Has he been cheated on? Is he insecure? Doesn't excuse his behaviour I know. I would be so angry.

Lighrbulbmo · 23/12/2023 14:57

It’s not a deal breaker for me with either. I would ask to see his phone though and if he was willing with no issues I’d move on. Sometimes people are suspicious because they are snakes themselves.

SurelySmartie · 23/12/2023 15:01

Eweh the lack of trust would freak me out though. Not sure I could get past it.

LightSpeeds · 23/12/2023 15:01

I don't think it would be a dealbreaker for me either.

A lot of people aren't trustworthy or honest these days and too many people are getting hurt and being told a big fat bunch of lies.

Hopefully, he's satisfied himself that you are honest and true and that your ex sniffing around isn't a threat.

But obviously you need to have a conversation...

dancemom · 23/12/2023 15:05

I can't believe the previous posters comments .... it would absolutely be a deal breaker for me!

Broke your trust, has no boundaries, how would you ever be able to leave your phone lying around again?

alwaysmovingforwards · 23/12/2023 15:07

Sorry to be so practical on this... but how even does one snoop another's phone when they all need face / fingerprint recognition to unlock these day?

JustStopOinks · 23/12/2023 15:10

If all else is good, I'd give this another chance.

EdinGirl · 23/12/2023 15:11

It wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me, I am nosy too 😂

Although it would be a deeper issue if he was exhibiting controlling, possessive behaviours and restricting what you do.

Imo a little nosy to satisfy anxious thoughts is fine.

BUT it could be a bigger issue depending on the person.

Itsallgoingtopot · 23/12/2023 15:12

I can understand why you feel upset but for me this is a sign of insecurity and poor communication (from him about his insecurity!). It’s not a deal breaker but a bump to be worked through.

Original poster
DatingQs · 23/12/2023 15:13

We have ended up spending quite a lot of time driving together over the last year or so, there’s been so many times I’ve been driving and asked him to check my text from my mum, for example, or to double check directions, or a hundred wee silly things like that. So he has and has had my passcode for a long time. (And me
his for the same reasons). I had absolutely no issue with that. Clearly not so fine with it now!!

yes, he was cheated on as a young guy. He has since had a full marriage with a different woman and has kids of his own with her without apparently any such issue.

I feel the same as a lot of posters I think- I don’t want to end a relationship over this, but it has really made me sad that we are clearly not where I thought we were in the relationship. And also, a throwback to my previous relationship- if there’s no trust, what’s the point?

OP posts:
Original poster
DatingQs · 23/12/2023 15:17

to answer the other questions- he is not remotely controlling. And if I asked to see his phone he would hand it over in a heartbeat - I just never would.

just really thrown by him saying he ‘got stupidly paranoid that there was more to things with exH than I had said’ I mean….. anyone who knows me knows full well I wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole… cheating is a one strike thing for me for sure.

OP posts:
HolllyHobby · 23/12/2023 15:21

Sounds like hard work to me. I'd be really put off a man doing this to me tbh

Original poster
DatingQs · 23/12/2023 15:30

I am pretty put off. It’s so out of character for him. That gives me the heebie jeebies a little after having not so long ago realised that my husband was not at all who I thought he was. I feel a bit like, have I been totally taken in by someone AGAIN?

OP posts:
NiftyBiiknhui · 23/12/2023 15:37

How can you be sure if this is the first time he’s been through your phone?

if he’s had your passcode for a while now, he’s just been caught out this time.

when I’ve been with people that did this to me it was a red flag and they were up to no good themselves.

I hope you manage to figure it out OP.

HolllyHobby · 23/12/2023 15:44

@DatingQs yes I'd feel the same way. It's not a very attractive trait - both the snooping and the saying he felt paranoid.

I think I'd be wanting a break from him at the very least. Is this the first time he's gone looking or the first time he's been caught? You'll never know.

Catlord · 23/12/2023 16:11

No you're not overreacting at all to feel disappointed at his behaviour but if he's explained himself, apologised unreservedly and accepted that he had no grounds for this then I would give him another chance if things were otherwise good. I can see why things may have felt destabilising if your ex was trying an over friendly tactic and he's handled it badly. Please make clear that if he wants to talk about something he asks you. You've been honest and open about your circumstances and this was not necessary. Depends how much you want to continue the relationship otherwise but I don't think this is a deal breaker if he accepts it was wrong

Justleaveitblankthen · 23/12/2023 16:51

Absolute deal breaker for me. If he's been looking at your search history it's as tantamount to reading your diary..and just as embarrassing 😳

Dacadactyl · 23/12/2023 17:18

I go on DHs phone all the time. I will have a nosey at his messages too. Doesn't mean I don't trust him.

He will nosey through my messages too.

It's not a big deal and I'd be cutting your new fella some slack, cos maybe he doesn't think it's a big deal or sign of mistrust either.

MILTOBE · 23/12/2023 17:20

I couldn't put up with that. No way. I do think it's understandable if you think your partner is cheating, but if I woke up and found my partner doing that when I hadn't done anything wrong, I'd tell him to leave.

WhateverMate · 23/12/2023 17:26

Dacadactyl · 23/12/2023 17:18

I go on DHs phone all the time. I will have a nosey at his messages too. Doesn't mean I don't trust him.

He will nosey through my messages too.

It's not a big deal and I'd be cutting your new fella some slack, cos maybe he doesn't think it's a big deal or sign of mistrust either.

Why though?

Genuinely curious as to why you'd want to snoop through each others phones?

MILTOBE · 23/12/2023 17:29

I go on DHs phone all the time. I will have a nosey at his messages too. Doesn't mean I don't trust him.

But that's agreed and he's also your husband. This is a boyfriend sneakily going through her phone in the middle of the night.

Nasahoodie · 23/12/2023 17:37

I think it is a deal breaker and I don't understand the people who think it is OK.

Your new partner is clearly insecure about your ex if he has gone to the point of snooping. If you have to stay in contact with your ex because of children, this isn't an issue that will magically go away overnight. That simmering jealousy will remain forever.

I'd also be worried about his own relationship with his ex. Usually people who accuse their partner of cheating are the ones cheating themselves.

Original poster
DatingQs · 23/12/2023 21:48

He definitely knew it was a big deal.. ‘checking’ my phone is absolutely not accepted conduct between us. I woke up and said his name and he just about jumped out of his skin. He then immediately lied and said he had been trying to charge my phone for me. He was in no doubt it was not something I’d be ok with, like a PP and her husband. It wasnt until I said - maybe 15 minutes later because I couldn’t sleep- ‘is there something you’re worried about?’ That he burst and said ‘you mean with your phone?’ And it went from there.

something im struggling with is that I work so hard for my daughters to have good boundaries and to know their worth- when their dad cheated one of the massive factors that caused me to leave was the knowledge that his behaviour wasn’t good enough for them, that if it was a partner of theirs I’d be any them to run for the hills and not look back. I wanted to model that for them no matter how hard. This feels… the same, albeit on a smaller scale.

OP posts:
mapleriver · 23/12/2023 21:57

Would you not be a bit worried if he had not long gotten divorced after being cheated on (don't know how to make this sound less harsh but it's different than just falling out of love/interest with someone, it's a forced stop to a marriage) and had been in contact with his ex, even if he was telling you what a bitch she had been?
I don't understand the privacy with phones thing, if my partner was very insistent I couldn't look through his phone it would make me more paranoid and I'd end up looking tbh. Probably when he was asleep.
If he's insecure with your boundaries perhaps you both need to find someone else. if he's feeling the need to look through your phone he's probably not secure or in a good place with his feelings and you can't fix this problem for him if that is a hard limit for you.