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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel really sad and let down? Dating.

46 replies

DatingQs · 23/12/2023 14:39

Looking for input because I’m new again to dating (divorced about 2 years now). I’ve been with a lovely guy for just over a year. Kind, intelligent, considerate, silly, generous. We really gel well and though I wasn’t actually looking for something serious when we met, he has definitely made me really happy over the last wee bit and has changed my mind about that.

Then last night, I woke up in the middle of the night to find him snooping through my phone. He has apologised, told me he knows it’s absolutely not on, says he doesn’t know what on earth he was thinking.

So as not to drip feed, my ex husband cheated and myself and my kids were devastated. I wouldn’t dream of cheating as a consequence of seeing the damage first hand. My new partner knows this, or at least I thought he did. The only thing that changed is that in the last couple weeks my ex H has been doing my head in trying to be all buddy buddy with me- he seems to think that now the divorce and financial stuff are sorted we can let it all be water under the bridge and be ‘mates’. I do NOT feel this way and have discussed with my new partner how to tell my ex to piss off, essentially, without starting a fight since we still have to see each other regular due to our young kids.

i don’t personally think that is cause for him to think I’m going to run back to my ex. Or it shouldn’t be. I feel really sad and disappointed that he clearly doesn’t completely trust me. Am I overreacting and his concerns are maybe understandable in the circumstances?

OP posts:

Thementalloadisreal · 23/12/2023 21:57

Not a dealbreaker for me. I agree he overstepped and you need to have some conversations about boundaries and your relationship with ExH - but I also feel a bit sorry for him, if he was awake in the night having a paranoid moment he couldn’t speak to you about it (as you were asleep) and impulsively made a bad choice.

As someone who often lies awake in bed panicking about nothing, I can sort of see his side but I do agree - and I hope he would too - that it was not a wise move!

If he’s genuinely remorseful then it might be worth working on.

On the flip side - If he’s overly defensive and rude about it then maybe he’s got something to hide.

Original poster

DatingQs · 23/12/2023 22:11

@mapleriver no it’s not harsh I know exactly what you mean. there is a difference in how our relationships ended. His was the petering out kind, mine was the legs kicked out from under you kind. Neither is easy when kids are involved but, totally get what you say. There is a difference.

it’s just- where am I left now? Xmas morning; my (very young) kids want me to go to their dads to see them open presents from Santa. This is neither my nor my ex Hs dream scenario- but my oldest is struggling and needs it right now. My partner is staying with me Xmas eve and said he’d like to stay at mine Xmas morning until I get back. I can’t IMAGINE now how I can come back to him and not be wondering what he thinks happened between my ex H and i while I was away.

OP posts:

mapleriver · 23/12/2023 22:27

You should definitely take your kids to see their dad and open presents with him worry free at that age, it will only be 3-4 hours anyway and you couldn't really get up to anything with your kids around opening presents, if he's worried about that then he IS being overly possessive 😀 Just have something planned like a nice Christmas movie when you get back so his nose isn't pushed out
If I was you I'd just show him this thread and let him have a read of your posts on the thread so he knows exactly where you're at and that you're not keeping your phone from him in some grand cheating conspiracy, it's just how you like to do things.

taylorswift1989 · 23/12/2023 22:29

I don't think you're overreacting. He's broken your trust.

If you want to continue the relationship, you'll need to decide together what he can do to rebuild your trust in him. It might be that you need to change your Xmas plans as it sounds like him being alone in your house is not the best idea right now. Maybe he needs to stay at his own place on Xmas eve and meet up on boxing day. Have some space and see how you feel about things.

ZombieGirl86 · 23/12/2023 22:31

It's not nice but not a deal breaker. An opportunity to talk through why though

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 24/12/2023 11:48

Catlord · 23/12/2023 16:11

No you're not overreacting at all to feel disappointed at his behaviour but if he's explained himself, apologised unreservedly and accepted that he had no grounds for this then I would give him another chance if things were otherwise good. I can see why things may have felt destabilising if your ex was trying an over friendly tactic and he's handled it badly. Please make clear that if he wants to talk about something he asks you. You've been honest and open about your circumstances and this was not necessary. Depends how much you want to continue the relationship otherwise but I don't think this is a deal breaker if he accepts it was wrong

I agree

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 24/12/2023 11:51

DatingQs · 23/12/2023 21:48

He definitely knew it was a big deal.. ‘checking’ my phone is absolutely not accepted conduct between us. I woke up and said his name and he just about jumped out of his skin. He then immediately lied and said he had been trying to charge my phone for me. He was in no doubt it was not something I’d be ok with, like a PP and her husband. It wasnt until I said - maybe 15 minutes later because I couldn’t sleep- ‘is there something you’re worried about?’ That he burst and said ‘you mean with your phone?’ And it went from there.

something im struggling with is that I work so hard for my daughters to have good boundaries and to know their worth- when their dad cheated one of the massive factors that caused me to leave was the knowledge that his behaviour wasn’t good enough for them, that if it was a partner of theirs I’d be any them to run for the hills and not look back. I wanted to model that for them no matter how hard. This feels… the same, albeit on a smaller scale.

I have checked an exes phone before just to reassure myself aabout something /someone (after a white lie had been told- so I had more reason- I'm sure some people will still think I was really in the wrong) so I can definitely empathize how he might be feeling up at night with thoughts spiraling. But I can also see how offensive it is for you not to be trusted.

ConnieCroydon · 24/12/2023 12:09

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ConnieCroydon · 24/12/2023 12:11

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Malarandras · 24/12/2023 12:14

It would be a deal breaker for me. My phone is mine, nobody goes through it there is no need for them too. Regardless OP it makes you uncomfortable and that’s what matters, not what anyone else thinks. I would have a think about what you want from this relationship now.

Littlenutroast · 24/12/2023 12:18

It would be a big deal for me. I wouldn’t trust him in my home without me either.

missmollygreen · 24/12/2023 14:54

Nasahoodie · 23/12/2023 17:37

I think it is a deal breaker and I don't understand the people who think it is OK.

Your new partner is clearly insecure about your ex if he has gone to the point of snooping. If you have to stay in contact with your ex because of children, this isn't an issue that will magically go away overnight. That simmering jealousy will remain forever.

I'd also be worried about his own relationship with his ex. Usually people who accuse their partner of cheating are the ones cheating themselves.

Interesting, you never see these types of comments on the MANY threads where a woman has caught her husband cheating by checking his phone without permission

ConnieCroydon · 24/12/2023 21:08

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Dacadactyl · 24/12/2023 21:11

WhateverMate · 23/12/2023 17:26

Why though?

Genuinely curious as to why you'd want to snoop through each others phones?

Show quote history

Only just seen this.

I'd counter with, why not?

I don't think it's snooping. Just nosiness really. Who has been texting, what are friends/family up to etc. No sinister reason behind it.

wayyour · 24/12/2023 21:13

Sneaking and snooping on your phone. That would be a dealbreaker for me. No thanks.

wayyour · 24/12/2023 21:13

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Yes this 😀

Original poster

DatingQs · 26/12/2023 18:15

I think it may have more to do with my ex than I initially realised. Now that I’ve had a few days to mull it over I really find myself thinking, why should I be with a man that lies? Or in a relationship with trust issues? Why should I be with someone thinking the relationship is one thing when it’s clearly another? In a way it’s not my partners fault that I feel so strongly about all this as a result of a cheating scumbag ex. But at the same time- that doesn’t mean it’s good enough for me. Kind of gutted to be thinking in this direction though- I really really wish I hadn’t woken up and seen this. I’ve really enjoyed the last year and a bit and I had no notion of ending it whatsoever until now

OP posts:

NiftyBiiknhui · 26/12/2023 18:28

Do what’s best for you OP, if something doesn’t feel right for you it often isn’t.

He crossed a line, and at the very least he’s made you uncomfortable.

Chickenkeev · 26/12/2023 18:37

DatingQs · 26/12/2023 18:15

Even if you hadn't had your previous experiences, would his checking your phone be ok? Nope. It's not ok at all. And very often a symptom of worse things to come. Your gut is telling you something here.

WolvesDiscoandBoogaloo · 26/12/2023 18:44

I'd really struggle to forgive that.

I do think it's a dumping offence, if it was because they didn't trust me. If it was curiosity getting the better of them and they were extremely apologetic, I might give a second chance. But it would be a long time before I'd feel comfortable leaving my phone unprotected.

byteme1011 · 26/12/2023 19:13

I'm sad for you too, I'm disappointed in him, it's your choice but I wouldn't rush any decisions, if everything else is good I'd work on the relationship but I'd understand if you make the decision to end it.

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