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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my supposed friend is really insensitive?

29 replies

Moneyworriess1 · 23/12/2023 07:36

Me and DH work in relatively low paid jobs, combined income just under 50k. My friend knows we are struggling with rent as we had to move areas this year as our rent had gone up so high we couldn’t afford it. My friend earns something over 50k, I don’t know what, but I do know 5 years ago she was on this as I was thinking about re training in her industry and we talked lots about it. In the end I couldn’t afford to re train.

Anyway she split from her child’s father a year ago and he pays all her nursery and 150 on top for anything else. Anytime I see her now she constantly comments on how she can’t afford to travel far as she’s a single parent so can I come to her etc. Or shes a single parent now so logistically could I come to her and so on. Am I being unfair to think she is being insanely insensitive? Me and dh pay out 900 a month in nursery which leaves us with less than she has to travel? Plus she works from home and I work shifts so have no flexibility? Am I being unfair or missing something here? I don’t want to get into a conversation about money with her but I feel hurt she hasn’t even considered the cost we are paying and just because there’s two of us doesn’t actually mean we are better off!!

OP posts:
Sodndashitall · 23/12/2023 07:39

Well she's probably just assuming the two of you combined earn a lot more than her. Just respond next time with something like "I can't afford to travel either so maybe let's skip this meet up".
She is being insensitive but not a lot you can do about it

FredaFox · 23/12/2023 07:39

Maybe she doesn't know she has more money than you, she's suffered a reduction in income which will have affected her, if she doesn't know she still has more than you then she isn't doing anything wrong
If you don't want to be honest with her suggest you meet mid way

Original poster
Moneyworriess1 · 23/12/2023 07:40

She does know as she is in a professional industry and me and DH work shifts in v low paid jobs which are known to be paid badly

OP posts:
FredaFox · 23/12/2023 07:42

But she doesn't know she is still better off than you
I understand you are feeling sensitive about it, I would too as I've generally been the lowest paid in a group and often single when the rest are couples
Just talk to her, if she's a friend she will understand

Lighrbulbmo · 23/12/2023 07:43

Say no then. You can’t afford it either.

Muchof · 23/12/2023 07:45

Moneyworriess1 · 23/12/2023 07:40

She does know as she is in a professional industry and me and DH work shifts in v low paid jobs which are known to be paid badly

If she knows that she earns more than the two of you put together, why would she say things like this, it makes no sense, this is your friend. The logical assumption is that she has made a fairly reasonable assumption that a couple will have more disposable income than a single mother.

MintJulia · 23/12/2023 07:46

If she's working from home, she will have the heating on all day which can be expensive. If she's earning £60k she won't get child benefit. And she's paying her mortgage on her own.
But surely it's the logistics and stress of being a single parent - babysitters etc.

A teenage babysitter near me is £10 an hour so an evening out (with travelling) - leaving at 6pm back at midnight is £60 before I've left home. That's assuming I can even find one.Add drinks, a pizza, and a cab, and a basic evening out can cost £120.

Chickenkeev · 23/12/2023 07:49

Just say no, sorry, can't afford it. Shouldn't need anything more than that.

StBrides · 23/12/2023 07:50

Agree with other responses here. Also £150 a month isn't going to go very far, even if her ex does cover the nursery fees.

user1492757084 · 23/12/2023 07:53

Be honest. Admit to being skint sometimes.
Say, Me too, can we do something less costly?

Iminpatchinghell · 23/12/2023 08:03

I think you are being a little insensitive. She’s just had a big change to her finances. Just because you know she earns more than you, you don’t know what her money gets spent on. How well-off you are is quite a subjective thing. You can earn more but have higher committed spending and less disposable cash.
Definitely speak to her about it and remind her you don’t have the disposable income either. Maybe you could have some FaceTime ‘meet ups’? She’s you friend, you should be able to be honest.

pictoosh · 23/12/2023 08:05

user1492757084 · 23/12/2023 07:53

Be honest. Admit to being skint sometimes.
Say, Me too, can we do something less costly?

This. Have the conversation.

pictoosh · 23/12/2023 08:14

Moneyworriess1 · 23/12/2023 07:40

She does know as she is in a professional industry and me and DH work shifts in v low paid jobs which are known to be paid badly

Also, it's possible that she, like me, doesn't give much (any) thought to other peoples finances.
You have considered her income and where it comes from and where it goes but she might not be interested in yours.

Original poster
Moneyworriess1 · 23/12/2023 08:14

StBrides · 23/12/2023 07:50

Agree with other responses here. Also £150 a month isn't going to go very far, even if her ex does cover the nursery fees.

@StBrides we spend 80 a month on DD after nursery as it’s all we have!

OP posts:
ofestivetree · 23/12/2023 08:18

Have you ever actually said no I can't afford it. Or the logistics of going to yours are hard for me

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 23/12/2023 08:25

You need to say
" sorry we are struggling too, your turn to come to us".

Coconutter24 · 23/12/2023 08:31

I’m not quite sure how your friend working from home means she has more flexibility than you because you work shifts? Yes she’s at home but she’s still working.
How far apart do you live? If it’s a couple of hours could you not meet halfway or something?

FloweryName · 23/12/2023 08:33

YABU

Being a single parent is infinitely harder then parenting with two loving and involved parents and if she’s telling you she’s struggling then she’s struggling. She’s asking a friend for understanding as she should be able to.

if anything, it’s you that sounds insensitive by not recognising that having a slightly higher than average wage doesn’t compensate for not having a partner and how much more difficult parenting will be for her on her own.

wronginalltherightways · 23/12/2023 08:38

She knows. She doesn't care. Not much of a friend.

StBrides · 23/12/2023 08:39

Moneyworriess1 · 23/12/2023 08:14

@StBrides we spend 80 a month on DD after nursery as it’s all we have!

Show quote history

I totally get that and I'm not suggesting you have more money than she does in real terms but that she is probably struggling too.

The cost of living is hitting everyone hard, even those on good salaries and she may have financial demands that you don't know about.

No one is saying that she wasn't insensitive, we're saying you have the option not to be.

Iouis · 23/12/2023 08:44

2 x £25k salaries bring home more than 1 x £50k salary. Then factor in if her mortgage/bills are higher than yours then suddenly you are both probably quite equal in what you have left. So you're probably thinking she's better off than what she is, and she's being ignorant to your earnings. A little conversation would probably sort it.

Beautiful3 · 23/12/2023 08:47

Just tell the truth, "sorry I can't afford to."

FeathersFerns · 23/12/2023 08:48

I doubt she has really thought much about exactly how much money you have compared to her. I would say (in an enquiring way) like you're surprised that she is assuming you have more disposable income than her as you had assumed the exact opposite.

How far away is she from you? How much does this actually cost? The only thing that really makes sense is babysitting money - that she needs to pay it as a single parent to see you but you won't to visit her? Otherwise then it is only fair to alternate/meet half way. Maybe the conclusion is that you are both a bit skint whilst in the midst of the nursery fee years and you speak more on the phone instead for a while.

Lostinbrum · 23/12/2023 08:54

Always amazes me on here why so called friends don't actually talk to each other about things. It's easily solved just be open and honest and say you can't afford it. Ask if she can come to you instead but if its not possible you'll just have to reschedule for the new year.

It sounds like you have a chip on your shoulder about earning less tbh. Don't forget when you earn more you pay more in taxes etc. Just because she's earning 50k she might not be hugely better off then you and your husband, but you don't know because you haven't actually talked about it. Just have a chat and accept you can't see each other that often due to cost and logistics

Riverlee · 23/12/2023 08:55

If she’s newly single, she may just be getting use to her new situation. Suddenly she’s having to watch every penny.

So she may not be insensitive as such, but just not thinking.

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