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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think therapy talk is often used to excuse selfish behaviour.

33 replies

Zebedru · 22/12/2023 23:39

Been going through a seperation this year after long term partner had an affairs. Understandably I was devastated and upset. We have young children so still have to communicate.

Since the day I found out ex has literally absolved himself of all accountability. He used words like “boundaries” “triggering” “you don’t get to access me in that way” . I now look back and realise I wasn’t even allowed a reaction I was shut down by “therapy talk” not that he has ever seen a therapist!!!

it got me thinking are these words massively overused? Are these the sorts of phrases and words often used by selfish people to avoid accountability?

OP posts:
cakecoffeecakecoffee · 22/12/2023 23:43

I think misused rather than overused.

It’s very frustrating as it is all valid when applied properly but it gets bandied about and the legitimate meaning gets lost.

bracemyselfagain · 22/12/2023 23:46

"it got me thinking are these words massively overused? Are these the sorts of phrases and words often used by selfish people to avoid accountability?*"
*
I believe so, yes.
I'm happy people are seeking therapy for their own issues/struggles & it's so so much more talked about nowadays - but, it's so easy to parrot things we hear.
What he's basically done is play the victim imo - taken no responsibility whatsoever.

AreYouReallyOkay · 22/12/2023 23:53

It's like the recent spate of threads on here from people saying 'I have an anxious attachment style'.

No love, it's just that wanting your new boyfriend to spend all the livelong day constantly checking his phone for your texts is too much.

You shouldn't pathologise your behaviours so that people can be expected to excuse you.

youcandanceifyouwanna · 22/12/2023 23:59

Yes, imho therapy seems to be very individualistic and focussed on rights rather than responsibilities.

staceyflack · 23/12/2023 00:08

Yes... I had a hideous break up with someone who abused my trust this way, whilst hiding behind therapy lingo. He actually is a therapist. He is also a liar and a coward. Look after yourself and lean on your 'down to earth' friends and family. 🌷

staceyflack · 23/12/2023 00:12

Also, "you don't get to access me", arrogant wanker 🤮

EconomyClassRockstar · 23/12/2023 00:16

If someone said to me that I "don't get to access them in that way" I would literally burst out laughing. Followed with, "Get over yourself you daft twat".

DriftingDrifter · 23/12/2023 00:43

I hate the word "triggering". It is so overused. Usually by people who think their experience trumps someone else's. "You can't talk about/react to something because it upsets me."

Who on earth says "you don't get to access me in that way"?!?!

bellac11 · 23/12/2023 00:47

You see it on threads on here all the time

My particular bug bear is people saying they are 'uncomfortable' with something and therefore it needs to be removed from them/stopped/they shouldnt be exposed to it etc etc

Well so you're uncomfortable with something, so fucking what.

Sparklesocks · 23/12/2023 02:26

I agree that unfortunately some people weaponise therapy and the associated language, or think because they clock in for a few therapy sessions they are absolved of any bad behaviour because they’ve ticked a box showing they’ve ‘done the work’.

SequentialAnalyst · 23/12/2023 02:31

This type of talk is often used to excuse behaviour, rather than to find an explanation which can be a foundation for behavioural change.

"Oh, that's the way I am, because of <insert therapy talk here>. So you'll just have to put up with it." The struckout part may be spoken aloud, or left unspokenHmm

SingleMum11 · 23/12/2023 03:21

It can be. Therapy isn’t that sophisticated for many. It doesn’t challenge and often is just fairly active listening. Having said that, I don’t know that many arseholes who go to therapy!

But my ex went, and it made him a lot worse. He said he spent some of the sessions working out why he was so angry with me. The therapist never seemed to challenge him about whether it was okay to be that angry. He uses it to explore why, and then came up with all kinds of exaggerated stuff as if he was that angry, surely I must have done things to make him that angry.

I don’t know who the therapist was but it was quite dangerous to be honest. It gave my ex the sounding board for some really odd thinking about me and he finally exploded at me for asking him to be a bit less cross with DS at bedtimes. He told me I was gaslighting him, that I was controlling, that he just couldn’t take anymore. Said his therapist and him were trying to find a way to reduce the pressure I put on him.

I left him luckily as he was the one who made me feel like I was out of control, but he was having affairs and controlling the money. None of which the therapist knew or asked about. I think all therapists need training in DV and how an abuser presents.

Bambooshoot · 23/12/2023 03:45

I agree, it seems to be everywhere and mostly nonsense. I would add “speak my truth” which normally seems to mean “tell a highly filtered version of events that makes me look good”.

strawberrysea · 23/12/2023 04:10

Yes, 100%

My mother has been in therapy for around 20 years and I know that this is a terrible thing to say about a parent but she is easily the most selfish and calculating person that I know.

Therapy is not the answer to all that it's often touted as.

Weefreetiffany · 23/12/2023 04:27

It depends on the goals of the person seeking therapy. If it’s to change maladaptive behaviours that are blocking or hurting them/ people they are in a relationship with, then it’s a useful tool. If it’s just for attention or greater control then it can be used as a weapon. People can only get better if they want to but it’s not a one size fits all and sometimes the people who would benefit the most aren’t receptive to any kind of help.

RantyAnty · 23/12/2023 04:59

Abusive people sometimes use it against the other person.

I'd just blank the ex. He's not worth the headache.

autienotnaughty · 23/12/2023 06:11

Therapy should be about working on yourself so you have better reactions to things. Not forcing everyone to do what you want so you feel better.

Brird · 23/12/2023 07:03

Sometimes - I've had friends excuse pretty selfish behaviour with the explanations that they are using 'boundaries', 'being gentle with themselves', 'putting their needs first'.

I eye roll a bit to myself but just let them get on with it. They tend to self-adjust in the end, when they realise that being selfish doesn't really lend to people wanting to hang around with them.

bethepeace · 23/12/2023 07:11

DriftingDrifter · 23/12/2023 00:43

I hate the word "triggering". It is so overused. Usually by people who think their experience trumps someone else's. "You can't talk about/react to something because it upsets me."

Who on earth says "you don't get to access me in that way"?!?!

Yes I so agree, and for those of us who have PTSD diagnosed by a psychiatrist and therefore may actually say we can be 'triggered' it's so hard when people misuse it, and devalue the term as it takes away our chance to use it appropriately to try and explain our experiences. I'm always glad when people call out the over use of 'trigger', thank you.

Scarletttulips · 23/12/2023 07:22

Usually used by knobs who feel that they can’t be challenged.

I see a lot of kids also use these words - I have anger management issues - like that excuses the violence.

AreYouReallyOkay · 23/12/2023 08:22

Brird · 23/12/2023 07:03

Sometimes - I've had friends excuse pretty selfish behaviour with the explanations that they are using 'boundaries', 'being gentle with themselves', 'putting their needs first'.

I eye roll a bit to myself but just let them get on with it. They tend to self-adjust in the end, when they realise that being selfish doesn't really lend to people wanting to hang around with them.

Urgh yes, you see this all the time on SM.

It's ok to put yourself first, it's ok to cancel on people if you need to.

Well...yes and no. Once in a blue moon to a great friend? Sure. But regularly for wanky 'self-care' is a great way to end up lonely. Other people in your life also matter!

bellac11 · 23/12/2023 11:42

See also - being my true self/being my whole self

I dont want to engage with your 'whole self', if you're selfish or anti social, whatever category you say that comes out of (whatever disorder or issue it comes from is irrelevant if your behaviour is causing problems or inappropriate)

ATerrorofLeftovers · 23/12/2023 11:50

autienotnaughty · 23/12/2023 06:11

Therapy should be about working on yourself so you have better reactions to things. Not forcing everyone to do what you want so you feel better.

This. The proliferation of sound bites and memes on the likes of Instagram and TikTok don’t help. Thousands seeing posts about setting boundaries assuming that applies to them without any context, just seeing it as a green light to do what they want.

Some people do need to assert better boundaries and a therapist can help them identify that. It’s an individual issue though. It doesn’t mean everyone needs to or should. The problem is applying these things in a blanket basis as if they apply to all.

Pelham678 · 23/12/2023 12:01

If someone like your ex went to therapy, and it's extremely unlikely that he would as he'd see the problem always to lie with other people, not with him, then he would probably leave as soon as the therapist challenged him. Good therapists don't just validate any kind of behaviour, that wouldn't be effective therapy at all.

Your ex is weaponising therapy-speak but he would use something else if it didn't exist, he'd be using DARVO or other devices to turn it round to you. That's just the problem of him being a wanker, you can't blame that on therapy.

Original poster
Zebedru · 23/12/2023 19:52

Really interesting reading all your thoughts thank you!

OP posts:
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