To think therapy talk is often used to excuse selfish behaviour.

[Zebedru]

Been going through a seperation this year after long term partner had an affairs. Understandably I was devastated and upset. We have young children so still have to communicate.

Since the day I found out ex has literally absolved himself of all accountability. He used words like “boundaries” “triggering” “you don’t get to access me in that way” . I now look back and realise I wasn’t even allowed a reaction I was shut down by “therapy talk” not that he has ever seen a therapist!!!

it got me thinking are these words massively overused? Are these the sorts of phrases and words often used by selfish people to avoid accountability?

I agree with you. My rudimentary understanding of therapy gives me the impression that lots of people use it to reinforce the idea that any shitty thing they do is actually someone else's fault.

YANBU - I've known a few people use these terms to behave in exceptionally shitty ways while maintaining a victim role.

I will say I've never felt they were doing it cynically or deliberately abusively - in every case they seemed to genuinely believe they were a victim.

'You shouldn't pathologise your behaviours so that people can be expected to excuse you'.

Exactly, it seems like there is 'therapy talk' that allows people to get away with anything, these days.

Re. counselling, I think that in order for it to be effective, one needs a certain amount of self-awareness or at least the willingness to reflect on one's own behaviour (or one's response to other's behaviour) and be open to considering different reasons and interpretations of the behaviour, for the counselling to be effective... and the counsellor needs to be skilled enough to ask the right questions and guide the thinking and self reflection without having a predetermined outcome or conclusion in mind. Otherwise, the process will simply reinforce existing beliefs (even if they are false) or end up with one reaching conclusions determined by the counsellor rather than oneself. Counselling can be extremely helpful but also completely pointless.

Ugh, yes, I agree. Lots of employers talk about "being your authentic self/ bringing your whole self" to work. Well, I'm sure that's fine if your whole self is a workaholic perfectionist, but do they really want Dave from marketing dressing up as a furry in the monthly meeting or Marge from accounts calling everyone racial slurs in her emails because they are just trying to be their authentic self at all times?! Some people's "whole selves" are not always people you want to be around 8 hours a day!

Yes-I don't think it's even always people who've been in therapy, but people who use 'buzzwords' without fully understanding them themselves. For example, I've come across people who seem to genuinely think that 'triggering' simply means 'annoying'.

One of the worst is the overuse of 'It is my perception that X....'. Sometimes used to get away with bad-mouthing people: 'It is my perception that Fred is dishonest', and, when challenged, 'I didn't say that Fred IS dishonest; I said that it is MY PERCEPTION that Fred is dishonest'.

Also, people who justify any negative reaction that they have with 'you don't get to tell me how I should react to your actions'. Of course, some people do constantly dismiss other people's anger or hurt feelings with 'you are just over-reacting' or 'you're oversensitive' and this does need to be challenged. But this does not mean that people have carte blanche to have a tantrum if for example another person can't come to their party or can't provide childcare at a minute's notice, and to justify it as 'I have a right to my own reaction!'

Oh god yes- I have a relative who behaves like a dick, which affects children in the family.

she’s always coming out with ‘this conversation is making me uncomfortable’ if challenged on the language she is using/behaviour she is defending.

It’s tedious and is a way of deflecting blame and responsibility. It’s also subtly saying that you are the one being irrational/ bullying for honestly and openly expressing an opinion.

It’s basically gaslighting ( apologies for using this word- another very overused term!!)