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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have nothing more to do with FIL?

38 replies

MrsSparkington · 22/12/2023 22:49

I've been with DH for 20 years and FIL has made it clear for those years that he doesn't like me.

We don't see him that often (MIL died before I bet DH) but he's just horrible to me; ignores me, makes barbed rude comments about me and of course DH defends his dad saying he doesn't mean it or I'm being too sensitive. I also refuse to join in with the world revolving around SIL, the golden child who is equally vile.

Anyway, he popped round today. DH opened the door and let him in and as he came in I said 'hello' to him and asked how he was. He blanked me. Then when he had sat down I got the usual veiled digs about me and general rudeness. He never asks me anything about me or how I am etc. but today he kept asking how all of DH's friends wives were and then saying things like 'now she is a NICE woman'

When he'd gone I thought about things for a while then said to DH his father is so horrible to me and clearly doesn't like me and that next time his dad comes round I will be ignoring FIL, getting my bag and going out. And won't be engaging with him ever again:

DH isn't very happy and said basically that how I feel doesn't matter.

OP posts:
BingoMarieHeeler · 22/12/2023 22:52

YANBU OP, similar issue here but unfortunately you appear to have a DH problem too ☹️

Cherrysoup · 22/12/2023 22:53

Of course how you feel matters! Bloody hell, he comes round, is foul and you’re what? Supposed to sit there and paste on a fake grin? Do you have dc he wants to see? I wouldn’t want him interacting with the dc, tbh, given what a vile person he is. Pack them up, leave, better yet, tell your pathetic Dh that he isn’t to come round anymore, although I’d be having fun responding to him shitty comments with equally shitty comments about how lovely all your mates’ fil are!

maddening · 22/12/2023 22:56

Tell him he is lucky you're happy to make yourself scarce as the alternative is to call him out assertively for each and every rudeness he extends to you throughout any visit.

TheUsualChaos · 22/12/2023 22:58

Agree, your DH is part of the problem here. Why isn't he supporting you?

I'd be tempted to confront FIL. Next time he starts his usual rudeness, call him out on it. Ask him outright why he has never liked you.

EmmaEmerald · 22/12/2023 23:01

He shouldn’t be allowed in your home if that’s how he treats you

they can see each other on their own territory

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/12/2023 23:05

Can’t believe you’ve put up with this for 20 years. Your husband is an absolute bastard. I’d get a divorce. Don’t stop at cutting FIL out. You deserve so so very much more than being treated with such disrespect and lack of care.

uclpp · 22/12/2023 23:06

your dh is a lily-livered prat

he's lucky you even allow your fil in the house if he comes in and ignores you and then says how a bunch of random wives are NICE

I wouldn't just be going out when fil comes, I'd be answering the door and telling him to fuck off. Really I would.

coolkatt · 22/12/2023 23:13

don't go out. tell fil and dh that he will
never step
foot in your home and
disrespect you one more time, he is permanently barred. and if dh doesn't
like it he can fk off too, who tf do they think they are?
your dh is more the problem op. he has less respect for u than the fil. he is allowing it to happen to you.

mottytotty · 22/12/2023 23:16

YANBU. Your DH is a selfish coward. Next time FIL comes over just ignore him completely.

I hope you don’t have to host the twat for Christmas?

And don’t get roped into doing any for care for the twat when he’s old.

Nicole1111 · 22/12/2023 23:18

Well done on setting boundaries, now you just need to follow through with them. He behaves as he does because everyone else accepts it without challenge but that doesn’t mean you have to. If you husband won’t advocate for you you’ll have to advocate for yourself.

EvilElsa · 22/12/2023 23:22

YANBU.
I'd have walked out immediately and I'd refuse to entertain him in the future. DH can make arrangements to see him separately from you from now on. He wouldn't be welcome in my house when I was home. Your "D"H needs to stick up for you or fuck off as well frankly.

LightSpeeds · 22/12/2023 23:23

Your husband is a weasel!

UnfortunateTypo · 22/12/2023 23:24

Are you me? Literally same situation, YANBU at all. My FIL is a massive narc, only ever talks about himself and ignores me and our DD whenever we go to visit. DH doesn’t even like his father but has some weird guilt about it. So he buries his head in the sand and pretends none of it is happening.

DH and I are supposed to be going over to visit over the holidays, but I cannot be arsed to spend a day with someone who can’t even say hello to me.

Every other relative has done a runner and won’t visit. DD has said she’s never visiting again. I’ve tried to suggest a meal out, that way it’s only a capped hour.

DH is completely chickening out of saying anything in case it ‘upsets’ his Dad. Whereas I don’t give a crap, at this point he’s going on his own and it’ll be the two of them. So I say run! Go out for the day, go to bed, anything you like rather than deal with him.

2chocolateoranges · 22/12/2023 23:27

If that’s how he acts, he wouldn’t be welcome in my home.

Your dh isn’t helping the situation, he should be backing you.

StaunchMomma · 22/12/2023 23:28

WTF is wrong with your DH?!!

I'd be telling them both to fuck off.

HardcoreLadyType · 22/12/2023 23:31

I would go out, or at least to a different room of the house.

Maybe come back in, after a bit, and say “are you still here?”

(I probably wouldn’t say that, but I’d want to. In any case, pretty much ignore his presence.)

mumsytoon · 22/12/2023 23:35

You allowed this for 20 years??

VeronicaSawyer89 · 22/12/2023 23:48

DH isn't very happy and said basically that how I feel doesn't matter.

I'm sorry OP, but your problem isn't FIL (although he sounds like a wanker) it's your DH.

Olika · 22/12/2023 23:49

Your DH is as horrible as his dad. What he said should be more of a problem.

determinedtomakethiswork · 23/12/2023 00:03

It's no surprise that such a horrible father-in-law has a horrible son. You've done 20 years. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him?

Crumpleton · 23/12/2023 00:18

TBH if my FIL was disrespectful to me in my own home I'd be calling him out infront of my DH and if he inturn done the same I'd be packing them both off to FIL's quick sharpish.

Northernsouloldies · 23/12/2023 01:26

It's depressing reading the shit women are expected to put up with, reading a thread in a similar vein a Mil talking to Dil like she's dirt.

Tinkerbyebye · 23/12/2023 02:23

You have a dh problem. So I would sit him down and say to him how would you feel if my father walked through the door and did this, and reel off every single thing he has done. Then say it’s made doubly worse as I have no support from you in defending me, you simply say his behaviour towards me is fine when it’s not

so moving forward I am having no contact with him, I will go out/ upstairs when he comes here I will not be buying anything for him or helping him in anyway.

then crack on

Aquamarine1029 · 23/12/2023 03:07

This is absolute madness that you have tolerated this bullshit for 29 years.

Hell would fucking freeze over before anyone would be allowed to treat me that way in my own home. Stop being a bloody doormat.

Fromage · 23/12/2023 03:46

Agree, your dh is a wanker, where does he get that from...?

Also you should tell dh all about your friends' FILs. "Now Emma's FIL is just the LOVELIEST man." You may need to invent FILs and friends 😁