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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Depressed son-in-law. Worried for my daughter.

27 replies

ikeabiscuits · 22/12/2023 17:39

My daughter has been with her partner for 10 years. He's had bad mental health for the second half of their relationship.

She puts a brave face on it, but he doesn't work much, has taken to staying up in the night and sleeping during the day, and doesn't leave the house very often. She's a nurse working very long hours, does all the housework and I think she pays for the house and bills by herself. She had admitted to me that it's so hard.

I don't know what to do. I've tried checking in with her generally, tried a more open discussion about whether she's happy, have said she can always come and stay with us. Her dad thinks we should just go round and tell her we're rescuing her from this 'waster'. I think we just have to wait until she makes up her mind because forcing her might damage her relationship with us.

OP posts:

CharmedCult · 22/12/2023 17:47

This must be so hard.

Lots of women really don’t ever wake up to the fact that they’re married to an absolute waster, but I also agree that going round there and forcing a ‘rescue’ on her might really go horribly wrong and end up with her alienated from you.

Do they have children?

Original poster

ikeabiscuits · 22/12/2023 17:53

No children- they have two gorgeous dogs that I am 'grandma' to.

My fear is that she will stay and waste her life with this man because she feels sorry for him or doesn't want to affect his mental health negatively. The more time goes on, the more I feel he's selfish and using her.

OP posts:

Andthereyougo · 22/12/2023 18:01

Does he have medical treatment for his depression? Therapy?
There is genuine, debilitating depression rather than just being idle.

Original poster

ikeabiscuits · 22/12/2023 18:04

I don't think he's having therapy, unless it's something online. He takes some kind of anti-depressant, but my daughter has told me that he shouldn't drink with it, and ignore that guidance. He drinks a lot.

OP posts:

MILTOBE · 22/12/2023 18:06

Speak to her about it. If you don't, you're helping to normalise the situation. You could suggest she lives on her own but still sees him as a friend, if she's worried about him. I feel for him, but I feel for her too. It's so hard living with someone who is depressed.

Andthereyougo · 22/12/2023 18:07

Ah, I was going to mention alcohol / drug use but didn’t want to be judgy. My exh used to cry depression, weep, couldn’t work but it was all caused by his alcoholism.
If he is alcohol dependent then yes your dd needs to see the truth as ime it doesn’t get better.

Throwingpots · 22/12/2023 18:09

Hard for your daughter for sure, and I can appreciate how worrying it must be for you. But please don’t just assume your son in law is just a waster. He may have genuine MH issues, so for now not able to face the world. If your daughter loves him then probably best to support from the sidelines for now, rather than taking away your son in laws only support if your daughter is still willing to be that.

MILTOBE · 22/12/2023 18:10

Oh the fact he drinks a lot changes everything. In the bin!

Original poster

ikeabiscuits · 22/12/2023 18:13

I agree with @MILTOBE , but it's not my choice to make. How can I help her see it?

OP posts:

GreatGateauxsby · 22/12/2023 18:18

You are right to be concerned it can really take its toll.

I think you should keep talking to her and challenging his behaviour in an open/neutral way.

I would talk candidly about tying herself to him with children and also the future...

As i said to my DH about a member of his family who was "having a hard time and depressed but lovely really"
At what point does it stop being an acute situation and start being "who they are now".
This family member had been behaving this way for 6 years... It transpires that yes... It is who they are now

RandomMess · 22/12/2023 18:24

Perhaps actually say "he seems like a functioning alcoholic with no reason to change"

Workway · 22/12/2023 18:25

She's likely depressed herself.

Take her away on holiday or something. Do it as a girls trip. Maybe some time away from him will help? And she might open up more.

Nicole1111 · 22/12/2023 18:39

Do you know if she has confided in any friends or other family members about what he is like. If so it might be handy to contact them (and swear them to secrecy about the fact you have contacted them) asking them to try and take a similar gentle but curious approach to you in asking if she’s happy etc. Having lots of the people she’s close to questioning her relationship might bring her some insight.

Nicole1111 · 22/12/2023 18:40

Workway · 22/12/2023 18:25

She's likely depressed herself.

Take her away on holiday or something. Do it as a girls trip. Maybe some time away from him will help? And she might open up more.

This is a great idea. A girl’s trip would probably do her wonders.

MaryQueenofKnots · 22/12/2023 18:50

I left a very similar sounding man after twenty years together this year. If someone had told me that they thought I should leave him, it would have made me stay longer. Not just through stubbornness but out of protectiveness and to a certain extent, trauma bonding. Watching someone who essentially wants to die every day, you get kind of addicted to trying to help make their reality easier. Especially if she's a nurse. You want to fix people. I'm in a similar profession and I am completely guilty of trying to save people I'm in a relationship with. Probably as I couldn't save my dad.
Just be there for her. Listen without judgement and one day she'll just decide she can't do it anymore. As I did.

MaryQueenofKnots · 22/12/2023 18:52

@Nicole1111 this wouldn't be helpful. We are proud creatures. Lots of people asking how she is, letting her know that they all think that her relationship looks shit will only make her more defensive and run back to him more. It will enhance that 'it's us against the world' mentality.

Eekmystro · 22/12/2023 18:55

Oh this sounds so sad. sounds like she does need to move on, especially as he isn’t doing anything to get better. I’m assuming she is fairly young still?

Can you ask her a blunt question - “do you want to stay with him…are you heading towards a life you want”. Or would she not be open to that.

Of course you can’t make her leave, but you can help her decide and let her know what support you can offer if she does leave.

Nicole1111 · 22/12/2023 19:09

MaryQueenofKnots · 22/12/2023 18:52

That’s why I made a point of saying curious but gentle was the best approach and specifically didn’t say to ask her about her relationship, but to instead ask about her happiness etc. They can simply say they’ve noticed she doesn’t seen herself and they want to know how she is. I probably should have been clearer in my comment.

MaryQueenofKnots · 22/12/2023 19:11

@Nicole1111 ah ok, yes that's much more considerate and empathetic, I agree with your approach

Nicole1111 · 22/12/2023 19:13

MaryQueenofKnots · 22/12/2023 19:11

@Nicole1111 ah ok, yes that's much more considerate and empathetic, I agree with your approach

Realistically I would imagine it would be one or two people at most who would be close enough for her mum to go to so I would hope that wouldn’t feel too overwhelming as you’re right that would be horrible.

PictureFrameWindow · 22/12/2023 19:51

Encourage her to centre herself, perhaps have therapy? Criticising him too often risks a backlash.

Haveyouanyjam · 22/12/2023 22:22

I agree that being negative about him won’t help. It’s hard for someone who cares deeply for their partner and feels they have a responsibility to support them to walk away from that, even if it is what would be best for them.

Therapy for her would be a great idea if she’s willing, and I agree that a holiday/time away would also be good. If she gets relief from being away from him it might help her to prioritise her own happiness.

Just encourage her gently to focus on herself and take breaks etc rather than putting him down.

spidermonkeys · 22/12/2023 22:26

It's hard to give advice as every situation is different.
I can however tell you my experience. My ex was as you described. My dad did exactly what your DH wants to do. One day he had had enough and quite literally came over, packed my essentials and took me 'home'. Best thing that ever happened to me. I doubt I would have left without that.

SleepingBeautySnores · 22/12/2023 23:01

Sorry OP, but I honestly don't think you should interfere, and your DH's idea is totally out of order. Your DD is a responsible grown up, she is obviously intelligent, and as nurse would have access to any support and information she needs with regard to her husband's illness. Above all it is her life, and when and if she is ever ready to walk, she will no doubt tell you, but until then, I think the idea of a girly holiday wouldn't go amiss, but other than that, all I would suggest you do is be there to offer support if she asks for it. I myself suffered from depression for some years. It took a long time to get to the bottom of it, but when they eventually did, the tablets (which I am now on for life) not only brought me out of it, but keep me on an even keel, and I am able to lead an happy, and reasonably productive life. You're only seeing things from the outside, and none of us want to see our children suffer or waste their lives, but how would you have felt if your parents had thought your DH was a waste of space, and constantly been on at you about him, or worse, your DF, had come round, gathered you up, and taken you home? As an adult that really doesn't bare thinking about, does it?

CKL987 · 23/12/2023 00:47

Sounds like my DH but my DH doesn't drink, has had a lot of therapy and although life is still so very hard for him he is a much better person than he was and incredibly emotionally supportive and available to me as a partner even though he hates himself.

When I look back I probably should have left years ago when he wasn't having therapy and I therefore couldn't see hope for change but I'm glad I didn't. I'm sure lots of people on the outside look at our relationship and think it is weird but I would not take kindly to anyone suggesting I leave him as I do love him.

I'd suggest you focus on trying to find out how your duaghter without expressing a concern about her partner. Maybe tell her she seems stressed but not ask if he is the cause. She might open up or it might make her think about it.

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