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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents treating grandkids the same

53 replies

PaddyIrishWoman · 22/12/2023 17:29

This is a flip on the usual thread that has this title.

My DD is 2, is allowed a few small treats, grateful for whatever toys she gets, she is allowed watch a small bit of TV (its the only time she rests).
Her cousin is the exact same age, and he is not allowed any sort of treat outside of fruit, wooden toys or "natural" toys only (e.g. A cardboard box reused) and not allowed any TV even for 5 mins.

Their grandparents are adamant they want to treat both kids the same so as a result our DD gets only wooden toys, no treats allowed in GPs house, TV must be turned off in GPs house.... The list goes on!

AIBU to be annoyed by this? They get their rules met all the time but we have to treat our DD differently than we usually would as a result? Spending 4 days with them over Xmas in the in laws and want to see if I unreasonable or not!

OP posts:
Rosiiee · 22/12/2023 17:31

I think it’s fair. I was your DD and my grandparents allowed tv and treats when my cousins weren’t around. Whenever they were, no treats/tv! Didn’t bother me, it was just the way it was.

Hoglet70 · 22/12/2023 17:31

Take your iPad and let her watch TV on it in the bedroom.

It would annoy me too but I guess it would be harder for the other child to see what life could be like and then go home and be back to no TV etc

greengreengrass25 · 22/12/2023 17:34

And me

Why are some people so inflexible

MadamVastra · 22/12/2023 17:34

My dh mum would give our kids their milk and biscuits and say to their cousins 'no you aren't allowed this mum says no'

which I thrink is awful! I only found this out recently but had I known about it I would of stopped it.

your kids arent suffering if rhey have no tv or treats at nans but their cousins will if they see yours getting something 'banned' to them

TheWalkingDeadly · 22/12/2023 17:35

I dont necessarily agree with treating 100% the same as often different ages etc. Byt as they are the same age...

When we went to gpil and the other gc - 4yrs younger wanted to be exactly the same as my 2 that was an issue.

SecondUsername4me · 22/12/2023 17:36

Grandparents are allowed to have their own rules for when they watch the kids without you - similarly they can gift what they like to their grandkids.

HOwever I'd definetly be doing my own thing if there 4 days, just don't be intrusive with it. Eg if your dc likes to watch Night Garden before her bath or whatever, just put headphones on and use a tablet - no need to retreat to another room.

If you prepare any snacks for the kids just put fruit out for the cousin and add a few chocolate buttons to your own dcs snack plate or whatever.

They can parent their dc how they like and you can parent yours how you like. If dd wants a few plastic figurines to play with quietly then get them out of your bag and give them to her.

If they want to be so super restrictive with the cousin, that's their bag, and it's for them to manage his expectations when he sees others having different things.

My friends and I had kids all similar time - there'd often be a quiet word had mother to child "so what if X is allowed fizzy pop, you aren't, so choose something else" that sort of thing.

GenXisthebest · 22/12/2023 17:37

I would find this a bit annoying, but less annoying than grandparents who clearly favour one grandchild over the other and treat them very differently (lots of threads about this!).

TurnipMuncher · 22/12/2023 17:42

We have similar aged cousins in the family.

When we're all together, we work a compromise - one set has bedtime TV, the other isn't allowed any screens after bedtime, so that bedtime watching happened on an iPad in the bedroom. Puddings and treats are mutually agreed so all GC get the same, even if for some it's less than usual. Flexibility on all sides, though it can be tough on some things.

When the families are individually with GP, individual parental rules apply. If GP are the only adults, their rules apply, but they tend to mostly follow the individual parents' rules, because that's less confusing for the DC.

Original poster
PaddyIrishWoman · 22/12/2023 17:44

@TurnipMuncher you are on to something there.... There is no compromise at all! That is what annoys me! It is their way or no way.

OP posts:
Everydayimhuffling · 22/12/2023 17:45

I would look at organising workarounds with the grandparents, e.g. "at X time we will be taking DC to rest I our room" and then she can watch TV there. I also wouldn't be restricting the toys I give or bring, although of course the grandparents can gift whatever they like. The treats thing I think you'll have to just go with, tbh. It won't hurt her to have no treats for a few days.

Original poster
PaddyIrishWoman · 22/12/2023 17:46

I regret putting the treats part in the OP 😂 it doesn't annoy me that much as a stand alone point, it's just another example of how we must follow their rules when in their company.

OP posts:
gotomomo · 22/12/2023 17:47

I can't see the issue, no tv, natural toys and no sweets at 2 is sensible. My eldest was given sweets for the first time just before her 3rd birthday at Christmas because of well meaning relatives insisting I was too strict and her younger cousin was eating them - she was so sick, she was allergic to one of the ingredients. My younger dd was 4 before she had sweets

BotterMon · 22/12/2023 17:48

Surely at the GPs house it's their own rules that prime? My house, my rules so the kids would be treated the same.

yikesanotherbooboo · 22/12/2023 17:50

I think this is fine and wouldn't annoy me at all. Rules are different in different people's houses. DC grasp this very early on. It's often the opposite in that GPs have TV on and sweet treats , then can stay up late etc. When child comes home they slot right back in. I'm a bit eye rolly about the wooden toys but I don't think your child will come to any harm at all by fitting in with these rules.

Original poster
PaddyIrishWoman · 22/12/2023 17:51

@gotomomo see above point about not really minding about the treats as a stand alone point. Sorry but wooden toys only is not sensible to me! There are plenty of educational (or God forbid something just be enjoyable for a child) toys out there that aren't wooden. Don't get me wrong I love the toys and am very thankful for all the toys she has received. (for context, cousin doesn't get given any toys that are not wooden or educational, parents hide them away).

As I am reading these comments I am realising my real issue is they are being treated as twins almost even though they are individual children with different likes and dislikes.

OP posts:
Mariposistaa · 22/12/2023 18:05

It’s Christmas and it’s family time - she doesn’t need tv. She’s 2!
Take some of her own toys to play with.

Tacotortoise · 22/12/2023 18:09

Well I can see it would be a problem if you are moving in with them but for a couple of days at Christmas?

BoohooWoohoo · 22/12/2023 18:18

Yanbu to be annoyed that they’ve taken the other set of parents’ side (although I’m willing to bet that they always take their side ) Playing with some Schleich animals or looking after a plastic baby Annabel is hardly toy crime of the century.

5128gap · 22/12/2023 18:20

While I can understand why you don't like it on a point of principle, in practice doing without treats, TV and playing with wooden toys isn't harmful to your DD or against your ethics because you think plastic is better for the environment/treats are healthier/tv is better than books or play is it? So I'm not sure why it would cause any hardship to go along with it. Its 4 days of something different is all.

kimchio · 22/12/2023 18:22

Their house their rules

mottytotty · 22/12/2023 18:24

Do you have to spend 4 days with them?

If they’re so inflexible I would limit time at their house.

I can see why it would be unfair for cousin to see your dd to get things they don’t, but when the cousin isn’t there, the DGPs should be more flexible.

Original poster
PaddyIrishWoman · 22/12/2023 19:16

@kimchio thats the thing though. It's grandparents house, other couples rules. This is not the way grandparents would like things to be, I know that for a fact.

OP posts:
Original poster
PaddyIrishWoman · 22/12/2023 19:21

@5128gap as I said in other comments, I think my real issue is that it's my DD that has to have something different because we have to go along with their rules.

Here is another example... They only use positive words with their son! So for example, when their son has reached out to touch the open fire in the past, they redirect him away from it and try distract him with something else, while he continues to go back to the fire, whereas we say "no no" to our DD in the same situation. But we are not allowed use the word no around their son because they don't want him hearing it. We have said no in their presence before in grandparent's house and they left in a huff!

OP posts:
DragonMama3 · 22/12/2023 19:26

Why are the other rules -the "correct ones". Trust me when that kid is older it will live in FatDonalds...

PandaCory · 22/12/2023 19:27

This time next year the cousin will be addicted to chocolate and Peppa Pig.