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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents treating grandkids the same

53 replies

PaddyIrishWoman · 22/12/2023 17:29

This is a flip on the usual thread that has this title.

My DD is 2, is allowed a few small treats, grateful for whatever toys she gets, she is allowed watch a small bit of TV (its the only time she rests).
Her cousin is the exact same age, and he is not allowed any sort of treat outside of fruit, wooden toys or "natural" toys only (e.g. A cardboard box reused) and not allowed any TV even for 5 mins.

Their grandparents are adamant they want to treat both kids the same so as a result our DD gets only wooden toys, no treats allowed in GPs house, TV must be turned off in GPs house.... The list goes on!

AIBU to be annoyed by this? They get their rules met all the time but we have to treat our DD differently than we usually would as a result? Spending 4 days with them over Xmas in the in laws and want to see if I unreasonable or not!

OP posts:
DragonMama3 · 22/12/2023 19:28

I'd be gifting the other kid kindle fire, plastic toys and a drum kit!

DragonMama3 · 22/12/2023 19:29

PaddyIrishWoman · 22/12/2023 17:44

@TurnipMuncher you are on to something there.... There is no compromise at all! That is what annoys me! It is their way or no way.

tell them

sprigatito · 22/12/2023 19:30

PaddyIrishWoman · 22/12/2023 19:21

@5128gap as I said in other comments, I think my real issue is that it's my DD that has to have something different because we have to go along with their rules.

Here is another example... They only use positive words with their son! So for example, when their son has reached out to touch the open fire in the past, they redirect him away from it and try distract him with something else, while he continues to go back to the fire, whereas we say "no no" to our DD in the same situation. But we are not allowed use the word no around their son because they don't want him hearing it. We have said no in their presence before in grandparent's house and they left in a huff!

You need to decide which bits to let go and which bits really aren't negotiable for you. Then just politely but firmly assert yourself. They don't have the right to insist that nobody uses the word "no" around their child. Speak to your DD as you feel appropriate, and if they bring it up, just say "I'm happy to respect your view by not saying it to X, but we parent DD in a different way, and we do use the word "no" with her." Repeat as necessary. Be pleasant but don't budge.

BoredofBlonde · 22/12/2023 19:30

They dont say "no" to their kid?

Nutters. I feel sorry for the kid and his future teachers. Not them though, they will live to regret that and it is totally their fault.

TurnipMuncher · 22/12/2023 19:30

How long are they expecting him to not hear the word no? Nursery/school will use it! I'm surprised he's gotten to 2 without it at all to be honest.

We try and avoid it for inconsequential things, but in anything immediately dangerous like your fire situation, I definitely using it.

niclw · 22/12/2023 19:34

I know that I'm going slightly off the topic here but they will struggle to find natural toys for their child after the age of 3 yrs. There are some around if you go searching but not many. The grandparents will soon give up following this rule as they will not want to spend the time or extra money that buying wooden toys brings. I wanted to just use wooden toys but my parents got plastic ones along with many other people on his first Christmas at 3 months. I continued buying wooden but accepted the plastic until I realised there were limited options.

Back to the topic, I would be having a chat with all of the adults on the first day you are visiting and explain that you won't be sticking to their rules as you wish to show consistency with you daughter. Explain that you respect their choices but if you wish to give your child a treat, you will do so, and you will deal with behaviour/ safety issues like the fire in your usual way. Make it clear that you respect their decisions but they must respect yours too. It's not one way or the highway!

PeloMom · 22/12/2023 19:36

when my LO goes to my in laws is usually afternoon and we don’t do screens and sweets after lunch as it impacts his sleep. My LO’s cousin, similar age, is allowed those things and usually goes at the same time. So we let the in laws know if he is there to call us so we know not to go. They decided they want to see both grandkids so they stopped treats and screen time if we are in the house.

Dacadactyl · 22/12/2023 19:38

I think YABU. They have more rules and you don't, so I don't see the harm in going along with their way if you're more laid back to begin with.

Original poster
PaddyIrishWoman · 22/12/2023 19:39

@sprigatito that is very very helpful! I am letting stupid small stuff annoy me because of the bigger stuff. DD would just as happily have her rest time with a book and often does, I've been zoning in on the no TV thing because it's another example of their way or no way when in reality it might not affect us at all!!! I will decide what things I want to address and bring it up to make Christmas easier on everyone so we aren't walking on eggshells! Thanks for that!!

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 22/12/2023 19:42

Let's face it, in 2 years time your kids won't want to be in the same house, let alone same room as their cousins as the cousins will be awful to be around.

brainworms · 22/12/2023 19:46

lmao

People really lose their shit at Christmas.

sprigatito · 22/12/2023 19:47

PaddyIrishWoman · 22/12/2023 19:39

@sprigatito that is very very helpful! I am letting stupid small stuff annoy me because of the bigger stuff. DD would just as happily have her rest time with a book and often does, I've been zoning in on the no TV thing because it's another example of their way or no way when in reality it might not affect us at all!!! I will decide what things I want to address and bring it up to make Christmas easier on everyone so we aren't walking on eggshells! Thanks for that!!

You're welcome Flowers I too have hard-work relatives!

Gymmum82 · 22/12/2023 19:47

Me and my sibling parent very differently. Mine are allowed treats, screens etc. Theirs aren’t allowed anything.
If grandparents have them alone they can do as they please however if I’m there I parent my children as I see fit.
Last xmas my sibling had a merry fit because my kids were watching their iPads and theirs dared to look at the screen.
I won’t alter my parenting for someone else. Particularly when I disagree with their parenting choices

Eekmystro · 22/12/2023 20:17

They go off in a huff if you say no to your child in their child’s presence? Insanity!

Personally I would leave your parents to manage babysitting them both however works for them. No TV or treats and grandparents is no big issue.

HOWEVER - If I were with my child I would parent as I want to parent my child. If they parent differently that is on them to manage. Their parenting strategy of making everyone follow their rules will fail as soon as their child goes to nursery or school where there will be 7 years olds with their own phones and kids who’ve had coke from age 2!
I would politely tell them “this is how we choose to parent. I do not comment on your parenting and I don’t expect you to comment on mine”. Then if they choose to leave in a huff let them. It’s their choice to leave rather than teach their child that different families have different rules.

Viclla · 22/12/2023 20:20

I would avoid these grandparents and siblings together to be honest. It doesn't sound like much fun to be around them anyway.

If you do see them together, I'd make a point to parent my children how I see fit. They can bring a plastic toy with them and I'd give them treats. Maybe I'm petty that way. Any comments would be met with "don't tell me how to parent my own children. You do your way and I'll do mine". I certainly wouldn't pander to them.

BogRollBOGOF · 22/12/2023 20:26

There should be compromise.

The puritanical dictators will regret or quietly shelf their choices in the future anyway...

The toys thing is ridiculous. There are many wholesome, well made, creative plastic toys. Lego and dolls come to mind as a start. 95% of wooden toys are for toddlers so they're most of their way through that phase already. By 5, there are very few suitable wooden toys, and being chunky, they're not good for fine motor dexterity at that point.

Never saying no is also utterly unsustainable. Nurseries and schools don't have time for lengthy lectures about kind hands and choices. Children need to be able to follow direct instructions. "No" is also a pretty important safety instruction ar some point. Children that don't learn to follow concise instructions and have precious parents that maintain this attitude are hard work, and struggle to improve their behaviour and meet social expectations. They have no right to police normal, healthy communication.

Snacks, I'd be happier to take the compromise on. If they're not avaliable, it's not really an issue.

Moderate use of TV has its place in routines and down time when away from home and when things are overstimulating. Using a tablet for something like In The Night Garden is a reasonable way to do it your way.

Why do I suspect that there's a level of pandering to a golden child at play here...

Original poster
PaddyIrishWoman · 22/12/2023 20:37

Why do I suspect that there's a level of pandering to a golden child at play here...

Absolutely! So it's my inlaws... I'm not here to bash my inlaws. I really get on with them and my PILs are amazing to us, have been from day 1 right through helping with wedding and house and children and everything inbetween. So it's my DHs brother and his GF that had their son the same time we had our DD. I don't think they see them as a golden couple, but more they are afraid to disagree with them. It's easier to agree with them than try reason with them! They know there will be a war of words with them if they don't!

Like the toy thing for example... I know that GPs would rather buy different toys for both kids (they have mentioned in passing toys they have seen that they would love to buy). But because BILs son isn't allowed non-wooden toys they won't buy what they really want to get for either child. That's why I've gotten so annoyed about the whole situation. Everyone is just biting their tongue!

OP posts:
Tacotortoise · 22/12/2023 20:40

Yeah I don't think it's a golden child situation at all- sounds to me as though your inlaws are walking in eggshells. One wrong move and no more relationship w grandchild.

LolaSmiles · 22/12/2023 20:43

This is a pick your battles situation OP.

In your situation I wouldn't be bothered about not having TV around the cousins. There's lots kids can do without TV and it isn't a hill I would die on.

I would die on the hill of being expected to change how I speak to my children and how I discipline because they don't want their child to hear the word "no".

With presents, there's room to talk about the idea that fair doesn't have to equal same. Spending a similar amount of money on something that each child will enjoy and get value from is fair, without being the same.

Original poster
PaddyIrishWoman · 22/12/2023 20:54

@LolaSmiles i agree with everything you've said! I will focus on the things that will impact my DD most, like the words we use!

Thanks for all the advice. This has opened my eyes to how I've been sweating the small stuff and what I'm actually annoyed at!

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/12/2023 20:58

I have a
More similar parenting style to the cousins, especially no screens, however I believe if I'm in someone else's house it's my job to move my child away from the room where the screen is on (which I don't always do) rather than expect other people not to watch them.

caringcarer · 22/12/2023 21:05

SecondUsername4me · 22/12/2023 17:36

Grandparents are allowed to have their own rules for when they watch the kids without you - similarly they can gift what they like to their grandkids.

HOwever I'd definetly be doing my own thing if there 4 days, just don't be intrusive with it. Eg if your dc likes to watch Night Garden before her bath or whatever, just put headphones on and use a tablet - no need to retreat to another room.

If you prepare any snacks for the kids just put fruit out for the cousin and add a few chocolate buttons to your own dcs snack plate or whatever.

They can parent their dc how they like and you can parent yours how you like. If dd wants a few plastic figurines to play with quietly then get them out of your bag and give them to her.

If they want to be so super restrictive with the cousin, that's their bag, and it's for them to manage his expectations when he sees others having different things.

My friends and I had kids all similar time - there'd often be a quiet word had mother to child "so what if X is allowed fizzy pop, you aren't, so choose something else" that sort of thing.

I think this is reasonable. They stick with their parenting but can't expect you to change your parenting to match them. I'd let my DC watch a bit of TV or YouTube on my phone or use an iPad when the DC cousin was not about. If you want to allow your DC a few chocolate treats I'd do so but obviously not right in front of the cousin. I'd pop my DC into the garden and give them a few bits of a chocolate Santa or take them out for a walk. I wouldn't want to deprive my child to suit another parent. My DC wouldn't be having lots of chocolate but a few bites over Xmas is reasonable. I wouldn't want to go all over Xmas with no chocolate.

caringcarer · 22/12/2023 21:09

PeloMom · 22/12/2023 19:36

when my LO goes to my in laws is usually afternoon and we don’t do screens and sweets after lunch as it impacts his sleep. My LO’s cousin, similar age, is allowed those things and usually goes at the same time. So we let the in laws know if he is there to call us so we know not to go. They decided they want to see both grandkids so they stopped treats and screen time if we are in the house.

How long before the cousins parents stop taking their child when you are there because they wish to parent their own child as they see fit? Probably best if Grandparents saw dgc separately.

PeloMom · 22/12/2023 21:16

@caringcarer its not my decision. We made it clear what works for us. We are happy to go separately.

Original poster
PaddyIrishWoman · 22/12/2023 21:28

I don't want to do separate visits. Firstly, in situations like Christmas or family events it's not a practical approach, secondly grandparents love having them at the same time, thirdly I think it's important for the kids to have some sort of cousinly bond. They will be crossing paths in the same sports teams and schools at various stages throughout their lives so I think it would be weird if they didn't know each other somewhat well. I think it'll be good for both kids if I can iron out some issues!

OP posts: