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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my dh to know what to buy me?

29 replies

BettyBakesCakes · 22/12/2023 14:55

25 years together and every Christmas/birthday my dh never knows what to buy me. I almost always ask to go out for a meal for my birthday, I would be happy with just that, but it never happens. For my 40th I bought myself a ring I wanted (after my birthday). This year I just got chocolate.

I either have to give him a list (which I'm not adverse to), or the last few years I've just bought stuff myself and given it to him to wrap up. It's so boring though, I never get even one surprise present. If i don't do this I'll get nothing and a 'you didn't tell me what you wanted' and 'I don't know what to get'. Even when I do tell him he forgets. One year the only thing I asked him to specifically get was a galaxy selection box, which I didn't get as he left it too late. So it's not like I expect to be spoilt with ££££ gifts or anything.

Is it unreasonable of me to want him to put some thought into just one bloody present by himself?

He was sulking recently because his birthday was boring. Mine is also boring every year as he never makes any effort so he reaped what he sowed this year! Yet here we are Christmas a few weeks later and he's just gone shopping as I asked if he'd actually bothered to buy me anything himself this year. Which obviously he hasn't. It's just the lack of thought and effort that gets to me.

OP posts:
TiredOfSayingItAgain · 22/12/2023 15:00

I've been married for 43 years. My husband ONCE got me a present - a CD player (you can tell how long ago that must have been). All the catalogues I used to leave lying around, with circles round the stuff I liked were a waste of time. We don't buy each other anything. I buy my own things, whenever I like.

Marylou2 · 22/12/2023 15:01

Do you have hobbies or things you really like? For example my husband knows the Sweaty Betty or Lululemon yoga gear is a safe bet and also I make it very clear which handbag I'm currently coveting.

Mudflaps · 22/12/2023 15:04

I know how you feel, I've a great husband but he is useless at buying gifts. I've two very obvious hobby which he could easily use for inspiration but he's never managed it so we just don't bother buying for each other now, if I want something I get and he does the same but it would be nice to be surprised with a gift I'd really like

SpudleyLass · 22/12/2023 15:05

YANBU op.

My DH is like this - we've been married 8 years now, you'd think he would know my likes and dislikes by now.

I've ended up accepting that I'm going to have to arrange my own birthdays each year.

I throw a few suggestions at him but it'd be nice for once to have no input and have a nice surprise.

I don't buy the whole "men are just at bad at gifting" either - it's just learned uselessness.

80sMum · 22/12/2023 15:11

TiredOfSayingItAgain · 22/12/2023 15:00

I've been married for 43 years. My husband ONCE got me a present - a CD player (you can tell how long ago that must have been). All the catalogues I used to leave lying around, with circles round the stuff I liked were a waste of time. We don't buy each other anything. I buy my own things, whenever I like.

Same here! I think I last got a Christmas present from DH in 1978! 🤣

EnterFunnyNameHere · 22/12/2023 15:11

I think it depends on the rest of your relationship. If my DH was considerate, supportive and made me feel loved I could forgive him being crap at gifts. If it was just yet another demonstration of how little he considered my feelings it would not be forgivable!

I do think a lot of men use the trope of "men are just bad at gifts" as a get out of jail free card though. There are people who despite trying hard each time just don't get it right. But there is a far larger group of people who simply don't try at all!!

jhy · 22/12/2023 15:12

My ex was an amazing gifter and he really set the standard of what I thought all men would be like for gifts (turns out he was the minority 🤣)
Everytime he used to get it right, think outside of the box. He was very much in touch with his feminine side though so I think that helped.
My DH now, was useless although I explained to him it's just about being thoughtful. It doesn't need to be expensive just something I like. Like even candles or bath stuff. He did surprise me for my birthday which was lovely- rituals bath stuff and a white company candle. He doesn't see stuff like that as a gift (as I could buy it myself) whereas I see small things as gifts. So after 6 years I think he has finally learnt ☺️
Once he understood I'm not expecting anything expensive he was more comfortable

DappledThings · 22/12/2023 15:13

I never know what to get DH. I never know what I want let alone what anyone else does. Fortunately we stopped doing Christmas presents a long time ago. It's not just a man thing

justalittlesnoel · 22/12/2023 15:14

YANBU!

My DH didn't really understand the importance of presents to me at first, but I pulled him up on it after the first year and explained it. Now, 9 years in, I get very good presents (he might even be better than me!). It's not hard to pay attention to your partner and think of something they'll like. It doesn't have to be ££, or even bought - it could be handmade or an experience or anything. My DH is currently squirrelled away upstairs in his office wrapping my Christmas presents!

The thought is more important than the gift, and men have been allowed to get away with it for years under the "oh it's a man thing" sort of excuses, and by having wives who buy every present for them and then get confused why they've got nothing. If you've got a partner who values that sort of thing then you should learn how to make / buy / create presents for them.

Riverlee · 22/12/2023 15:16

Is your husband my husband? I get a ‘what do you want?’ Every year. I gave him one suggestion which I saw weeks ago, and actually didn’t buy myself as I knew the question would be coming. I know he hasn’t bought it, as I’ve since had the question again.

i think it does depend on families. In mine, you went shopping and brought something you thought the person would like - there was an element of surprise in it. I think he was more if the present list idea type.

monicagellerbing · 22/12/2023 15:17

I've bought, wrapped and even written the tags on my own gifts. One year he bought me a pack of glitter gel pens so it's better this way at least I get something nice on Xmas morning

GenXisthebest · 22/12/2023 15:18

I know this is a bit of a cliche on MN, but have you heard of the love languages? My DH expresses his love through actions and quality time together, gifts aren't a big deal for him. Luckily they're not for me either so this isn't a problem for us!

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 22/12/2023 15:21

My XH would either buy me what he thought I needed (eg, the wedding anniversary where he bought me a dustbuster hoover 'to help you clean the stairs') or what he wanted. However, a new low was achieved when he told me what he'd thought of buying me (a book I particularly wanted) but then decided to buy himself something instead with the money.

And he saw no problem with this. The worst thing was that, had he just bought himself the thing, I wouldn't have queried it, I'd have just thought that he'd forgotten to buy me anything. The telling me that he had thought about it, but just not done it, was the worst.

I don't think I've ever yet met a man who actually listened to me sufficiently to know what I wanted.

CruisingForAMusing · 22/12/2023 15:23

My DH is not the romantic type, but buys me a little pile of thoughtful surprise gifts every year, as do I for him.
We've been together 18 years.
Typical gifts from him might be a bottle of perfume (chosen himself), a bottle of champagne, the chocolate truffles I like, a jigsaw, a notebook, a novel he's researched and think I'll enjoy.
I think it's so bleak how many couples fall into this slump of not buying each other gifts.
My friend's husband told her to get what she wanted and tell him what it cost, so now she's shopping for her own gifts. I'd personally think my marriage was dead at that point, but it seems so common 🤷🏼‍♀️

Whattodowithit88 · 22/12/2023 15:25

“I would like effort and a surprise please!”

People are not mind readers though so if you do want something specific then say, but if your happy with anything, go with the above, because even if it’s a shit present, at least some thought went into it.

SpudleyLass · 22/12/2023 15:27

The problem is I'm not asking him to read my mind - its not anything specific I'd usually want - and when it is, I tell him outright - but I suppose a confirmation of his knowing me enough to have an idea of what I'd might like for my birthday.

topgirlalways · 22/12/2023 15:32

My DP first year git me amazing gifts. This year I got a voucher, which I appreciated as he knew I wanted something from the shop and was waiting for it to be released. He asked for a list for Christmas and said he will surprise me from it.

his excuse, I can buy what I want so he doesn’t know what I need.

AnnaMagnani · 22/12/2023 15:33

I think YABU, sorry.

I've been with DH 14 years and I think we had a golden 4-5 years when we could surprise each other and always be right.

Then the magic or hormones or luck ran out and we had a hideous year of very bad presents before accepting we needed a list.

And now the lists have got very dull and specific as although we know each others hobbies and interests, neither of us would be confident in shopping for items.

I think it is just the way of relationships as you get older and often have a lot of the stuff you want already.

Isis1981uk · 22/12/2023 15:44

My partner is not a natural present buyer, so I have a list on Giftster that I regularly update, so if he can't think of something there's a list of 30-40 things he can pick from that he knows I'd definitely like! I also include experiences etc on there.

allfurcoatnoknickers · 22/12/2023 16:10

My DH is great - very thoughtful, equal partner etc. but gifts are not his love language. It's not even that he's cheap - he's bought me some really horrible/not my style expensive jewelry and handbags.

Anyway, I absolutely read him the riot act 2 years ago after a truly shit mothers day gift and he's improved a lot. I had to really spell it out though.

I chose my own main Christmas present this year (Chloe handbag).

romany4 · 22/12/2023 16:29

DH and I give each other a list to pick from.

We both have quite niche hobbies and I never know ( apart from clothes) what to buy him.

At least I know he'll pick several things off my list and I'll get some gifts I actually want

Roiesin57 · 22/12/2023 16:39

It's not just a man thing, some people are just not good at gifts. If he's a good & thoughtful dh in other ways I suppose it's just something you have to accept, boring as it is. My dh hardly ever gers it wrong. As for me, every year I get very stressed when it comes to his birthday & Xmas & I feel very guilty that I don't often get it completely right!
It would be a relief if we stopped buying altogether, which he said we would do this year. Then he went & got me something.

Mrsttcno1 · 22/12/2023 17:03

This makes me really sad to read. I appreciate what people are saying about love languages and totally agree his might not be gift giving, but it doesn’t take a genius to know he should be buying his wife something nice for birthday/Christmas and I think after 25 years together he should absolutely be able to choose something you like without needing specific guidance from you. If there was a particular thing I wanted I would probably tell DH, but if not (like this year there is really nothing I specifically want) he has chosen and wrapped all of my presents himself, we live together and have been together for a decade, so he knows what I would like the same way I could choose for him. You are definitely not unreasonable for wanting a surprise OP x

Shinyandnew1 · 22/12/2023 17:07

We have Amazon wish lists-loads of things in them and we can choose bits we fancy so there’s still an element of surprise. It works well!

laclochette · 22/12/2023 18:34

Give a list of things you'd like and he can pick one or two. Still an element of surprise with no expectations of mind-reading!