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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset about DH's photobook of DC

63 replies

grumpesaurus · 22/12/2023 12:17

Last night DH showed me a photobook he made of DC. It was 24 pages of photos, maybe every other photo was of him and DC. One was with his sister. And the only photo of me was in a photo of the both of us with DC.

I guess the history about his sister is she never even speaks to him or wants to see him. In the 9 months with DC she's only seen her once. My parents and siblings dote on DC and babysit every week and ask if we need any help.

I know it's a bit petty but we have tonnes of photos with me, my siblings etc and barely any with his sister. She honestly doesn't even care that DH had a baby. I don't mind that she's like that but it does bother me that DH is always desperate to do stuff with her or have her over when it's clear she doesn't care about him. He also doesn't see when she's being rude to him and says it's just teasing.

And back to the photobook, I mostly just feel sad there's not really one of me with DC in it. I feel like it's been such a special year so far with so many special memories and none felt or looked important enough for him to include. AIBU to feel upset?

Edit: I haven't mentioned it to him, and said it was nice as it was generally a nice thing he did.

OP posts:
sickbucket67 · 22/12/2023 13:45

StarlightLime · 22/12/2023 13:43

Are there as many photos of you with the baby, or are you usually the one wielding the camera?

It literally says in the OP there are loads of pictures of her and DC

EnjoythemoneyJane · 22/12/2023 13:58

It’s really important to address this now if it matters to you. The only pictures I have of me with my kids throughout their childhoods are ones I had to ask DH to take. There are tons of photos of him with the DC because I always took lots, but if I’d left it to him they’d have no record of me being in their lives at all as children.

I actually used to get really upset about it, but in the end accepted that he’d never do it spontaneously, so the only way to ensure they’d have photos of me when they (and I!) were younger was to orchestrate it myself.

He point blank refused to get a video camera (pre-smartphones) and would pontificate about how life is for living, not experiencing from behind a lens, and we’d have ‘perfectly good memories’ to look back on. Now he’s older (and less of a pompous ass) and the kids are grown up, he’s realised that memories fade unless you preserve them somehow. He spends hours and hours looking back through the photos we do have, and I know he regrets not having more footage of the children when they were small.

Sounds like your DH has just been a bit thoughtless rather than mean, so if you’re feeling a bit hurt and excluded you should tell him - photobooks are precious keepsakes, not just for you, but for your children too.

Stresa22 · 22/12/2023 14:00

Maybe he doesn’t know how to create a photo book and thought he did a good job. 🤷‍♀️

GreatGateauxsby · 22/12/2023 14:06

So i just made a photo book and while I think yanbu to feel sad/gifted I am not sure it was intentional.

I had to go out of my way to get anything close to balanced spread.
Although It was slightly different asy pics were Skewed to be pics of DH as I always take pics of him and he always takes pics of me...

I also have way more of my family as I tend to take those. to get a balanced view I had to set up a shared photo drive on google

I create a photo book every year I think it's a nice thingaybe you could start this and as the editor you can keep itore balanced

Christmasbrie · 22/12/2023 14:09

Fancycheese · 22/12/2023 12:20

Just make your own photo book surely. As far as I’m aware they’re not currently rationed.

That's not the point though is it? It's the fact he made a book of memories and didn't bother to include OP.

KrisAkabusi · 22/12/2023 14:09

I feel like it's been such a special year so far with so many special memories and none felt or looked important enough for him to include.

That's very unfair. You're entitled to your memories and he's entitled to his. It's not up to you to decide which are important to him.

LtJudyHopps · 22/12/2023 14:09

It sounds thoughtless. If you don’t want to do your own book just print your photos yourself. Go on one of the free print sites and then you have them to flick through in the house as well as the book.

autienotnaughty · 22/12/2023 14:12

The sister I get particularly if he wishes they were closer. Could you do one of your family? Or ask him if it could be both families grandparents etc then chuck a couple extra pics of you in the mix

EnjoythemoneyJane · 22/12/2023 14:13

Btw, OP, most photobook sites keep your projects if you’ve opened an account to create the book. So you should be able to go back in to DH’s saved book and edit or add more pages to include pics of you and DD, then order another copy if you want to.

autienotnaughty · 22/12/2023 14:16

By the way I did a foto collage it had a pic of each set grandparent, both our sisters and partners, our nieces etc then one each of us and kids plus a couple of group shots.

Dh got me a mug for Mother's Day. 1 pic me with dd2. 1 pic all 3 kids and then 4 pics me with ds1. No pics of dd1 other than the group shot. You can imagine the uproar. !! But basically he had chose some pics he had in his photos that he liked.

Xmastime2023 · 22/12/2023 14:19

He’s probably thinking very literally photo book of baby rather than baby and people who are important in baby’s life.

Chilicabbage · 22/12/2023 14:27

Actually he said it was just his favourite photos of DC.

He simply concentrated on the DC,not "politics" of how many pics of others should be in. Which is quite sweet actually. Towards DC

SleepingStandingUp · 22/12/2023 14:30

TheShellBeach · 22/12/2023 13:35

Well they spectacularly misses the point, doesn't it.

Show quote history

I would, bit I'd make a point of "it's lovely you've done a photo book of you and the baby, can you tell me where you got it from and I can do the same for me and the baby?

Dutch1e · 22/12/2023 14:34

YANBU to feel upset. Mum being left out of photo memories is unfortunately quite widespread. Personally I would say something to my DH, even if it was low-key like "I feel quite left out of your lovely photo book." Most people can be trusted to realise their inadvertent mistake and do something about it.

whoamI00 · 22/12/2023 15:08

I'd be fine but at the same time upset. I'd tell him directly and ask him for his opinion.

FictionalCharacter · 22/12/2023 15:27

KrisAkabusi · 22/12/2023 14:09

I feel like it's been such a special year so far with so many special memories and none felt or looked important enough for him to include.

That's very unfair. You're entitled to your memories and he's entitled to his. It's not up to you to decide which are important to him.

That’s the point though. The way he’s done it implies that none of his important memories include his wife, and that’s hurtful.

User1343 · 22/12/2023 15:29

That’s a really strange thing for him to do.

FictionalCharacter · 22/12/2023 15:30

Xmastime2023 · 22/12/2023 14:19

He’s probably thinking very literally photo book of baby rather than baby and people who are important in baby’s life.

It isn’t just photos of the baby though. Half the photos are of HIM and the baby. There is one photo of him, OP and the baby. He’s included loads of pics of himself but only one that includes his wife.

KrisAkabusi · 22/12/2023 16:03

That’s the point though. The way he’s done it implies that none of his important memories include his wife, and that’s hurtful.

But it's photos of his kids. It's not photos of his year, it's specifically the kids.

newhouse12345 · 22/12/2023 18:15

Fancycheese · 22/12/2023 12:20

Just make your own photo book surely. As far as I’m aware they’re not currently rationed.

Why make such a horrible comment?
I bet no one would include you in their photo book 🙄

Pigsinpainauchocolat · 22/12/2023 18:44

StripeyDeckchair · 22/12/2023 12:40

If you don't piont out that you are in 1 photo in the whole book then he'll do the same next year & the year after....

I'd say it makes you look like a single parent and what will the kids think in 10 or 20 years when they look back at it. That mum didn't matter? Or care?
It's thoughtless and I'd be upset

Absolute agree with all of this!! How rude to ignore you and your family contribution in your DC lives. He sounds very self centred,
focusing on pics of him with DC.
It isn't "nice" and don't pretend it is.

Pigsinpainauchocolat · 22/12/2023 18:45

I agree. And I think it’s weird that a father doesn’t choose photos of his kids with his wife. It’s all very self centred- “me with my kids” not “my family” (including my wife who birthed the children).

Yes exactly. That photo book is for
Him, from his point of view, rather than for the family.

Lovingitallnow · 22/12/2023 18:51

I think I'd say, "do you know that was such a good idea of the photo book, I think I'll do one aswell, I'm jealous that you have one and I don't!" And then do your own. And if he passes comment that it's weird that it's two maybe suggest next year we'll just do one then, but you don't want to miss out this year.

MargotBamborough · 22/12/2023 18:55

MissyB1 · 22/12/2023 12:26

Just tell him. Then make a new one together.

This.

It's not unreasonable to want photo books to include you as the baby's mother, and if you tell him how you feel he won't make the same mistake again.

Ange1233556 · 22/12/2023 18:59

My husband did this - in his there were actually more photos of his useless dad (4 to be exact compared to 2 of me!). It was a present to me so I was baffled as to why there were so few of me in them. I didn’t ask why his dad was in them when over last 10 years he’s seen our 3 kids about 7 times but I did ask why I wasn’t in more photos ? He genuinely didn’t think and just picked photos where kids looked cute. He did one year after where it was me and kids in every photo (loved it)

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