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AIBU?

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Original poster

Don’t want DH brother to be best man

38 replies

Treehogger · 22/12/2023 09:03

My husband and I are officially married however we have our wedding ceremony and party itself in a few months. My husband has asked his closet in age brother (he has 3 brothers) to be his best man. He wouldn’t be as close to the brother he’s asked as the other two because he lives in a different country.

from I’ve known DH I’ve maybe met his brother about 5 times and the common ‘joke’ among the family is that the brother is completely unpredictable, especially when drinking alcohol. Everytime I’ve met him I’ve felt uncomfortable around him because he’s loud and obnoxious and has had episodes were he has fought and psychotically kicked off. To give you an idea of what it’s like, my husband’s other brother begged their mum to convince this brother not to go on his stag do because he was afraid of him kicking off and being an embarrassment.

his girlfriend left him about a year ago and since that he’s been like the Tazmanian Devil! Drunk all the time, losing his job, fighting, drugs, going onto social media with long stupid rants and just making an absolute show of himself, putting disgusting rants into group chats to the point where people have left groupchats. He’s incredibly selfish and I do honestly think he has some type of personality disorder.

husband and I got into an argument this morning because his brother was posting some incredibly horrific and embarrassing stuff on social media during the night. I text my husband on his way to work basically saying wtf and it turned into an argument where husband has said it’ll be fine and just trust him regarding his brother and I snapped saying I don’t want him to be best man and told him every single member of his family have asked why the hell he’s best man because he’s just a bomb that could explode at any time. He’s already got his goat up that he’s ‘censored’ because I come from a more middle/upper class family and I’m afraid that’ll fuel him.

aibu that I don’t want this man to be best man and I don’t want to spend my whole wedding day worried about the speech??

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 22/12/2023 09:08

He is not your best man but your husband's, but as you are already married it all sounds too complicated

You are marrying into his family so if you have that much issue with them why would you marry into them?

Original poster
Treehogger · 22/12/2023 09:10

It’s just this brother I have an issue with, as does everyone else in the family. His own brother didn’t even want him at his stag do and his own mum wished he wasn’t around because she just constantly worries. If he wasn’t my husband’s brother my husband would hate the person he is and would have nothing to do with him.

OP posts:
Deathbyfluffy · 22/12/2023 09:12

It’s his best man, not yours - he sounds like an idiot, but ultimately it’s not your choice.

Calamitousness · 22/12/2023 09:13

not your best man. Your husbands. This is his choice not yours. If you love and trust your husband then I wouldn’t worry because he will not let his brother ruin your day and will take care of anything that might arise.

Spottywombat · 22/12/2023 09:13

Don't have another wedding. Avoids all further issues, other than the chip on your DHs shoulder about class

margotrose · 22/12/2023 09:14

It's really upto your husband.

Original poster
Treehogger · 22/12/2023 09:15

if we hadn’t have committed so much money already I would seriously reconsider having the wedding. It’s so much stress and my conclusion is no one actually enjoys them!

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 22/12/2023 09:15

Still have the party but no speeches

Original poster
Treehogger · 22/12/2023 09:17

crumblingschools · 22/12/2023 09:15

Still have the party but no speeches

See I still want my dad and husband to make speeches. I don’t see why they should have to miss out.

OP posts:
Itsallgoingtopot · 22/12/2023 09:19

I would feel your concerns but ultimately it’s not your choice. Telling your husband who he can or can’t have is not on.

in an ideal world you would have had this conversation before he was chosen, expressed your doubts and hoped DH listened. But it is what it is and your going to have to let this one go and not let it spoil your day.

What was so awful that he was posting on social media ??

LargestMiscarriageOfJustice · 22/12/2023 09:21

Don't do speeches. We didn't. We just had our master of ceremonies do a very short thank you speech, but no wedding party speeches. Took the stress and pressure off everyone so we could all just enjoy the celebrations.

crumblingschools · 22/12/2023 09:23

Why did your DH choose him?

LargestMiscarriageOfJustice · 22/12/2023 09:23

Treehogger · 22/12/2023 09:17

See I still want my dad and husband to make speeches. I don’t see why they should have to miss out.

Show quote history

But would they really feel like they were missing out, or is it more that you want the rigid formality and tradition of the speeches, when in fact they won't really be bothered at all?

Gotosleepnow2023 · 22/12/2023 09:24

He's your 'brother' now too, can you have a frank conversation with him now and tell him you do not want a drunk best man's speech? After he's given it he can drink what he likes but that you will be very pissed off / upset if the speech is a drunken one. Set the tone for the relationship between the two of you now. Tell.him that that's what you want as a wedding present from him. You never know, it might work?

crumblingschools · 22/12/2023 09:24

If you have been married for months why are you having a full on wedding?

Gloschick · 22/12/2023 09:25

You need to think this through. Presumably he will be at the wedding either way.
Option 1: bil is best man. Aim for early speeches if doing them before anyone gets too drunk, and hope for the best.
Option 2: ask someone else to be best man. Bil has the humiliation of being asked and then rejected and you are pretty much guaranteed that he will kick off big style at the wedding.
I think you have to accept your husband's decision and come up with a damage limitation plan.

Tooshytoshine · 22/12/2023 09:25

Sounds like your husband is giving him a responsibility in order to keep an eye on him and ensure he doesn't get too drunk.

I would think your husband or other brothers would vet his speech. It's a high stakes gamble but I think a strategic one. Make him a focus so he doesn't feel the need to grab more attention.

Your role in the day is be told how exceptionally beautiful you look and thank people for coming. If the best man's speech is a car crash it reflects on the best man and your husband. You just smile serenely and be gracious.

Muchof · 22/12/2023 09:28

Treehogger · 22/12/2023 09:15

if we hadn’t have committed so much money already I would seriously reconsider having the wedding. It’s so much stress and my conclusion is no one actually enjoys them!

I do not get these fake weddings, it’s so false to me, just ditch the speeches and go ahead with a party. But even if it were a wedding, this is not your choice.

Mumoftwo1312 · 22/12/2023 09:29

I agree with the no speeches suggestion above. No one enjoys the speeches. Most speech givers get nervous. Most of the audience are just incredibly bored.

I was at a wedding not long ago where the best man was making lewd (like, actually sexual) jokes about the bride. It went down like a lead balloon. And he didn't know when to stop, it went on for ages.

I did give a speech at my own wedding but it was ever so brief and just a list of thanks rather than anecdotal - I think if you have to do speeches, that's the best way!

MintJulia · 22/12/2023 09:29

It is up to the Groom to choose his Groomsman, not you. You sound a bit of a bridezilla. If you are married, can you not trust your husband's judgement? It's his day too and he knows his brother better than you do..

And so what if the speech is a bit alcohol-fuelled or embarrassing? It's a family wedding. Families are embarrassing. That's normal. You've married into it.

crumblingschools · 22/12/2023 09:31

@Treehogger if you think most people don’t enjoy weddings why are you having a big do when you have been married for months?

And the bit most people don’t really enjoy are the speeches especially if they go on or are embarrassing

FirstFallopians · 22/12/2023 09:31

Calamitousness · 22/12/2023 09:13

not your best man. Your husbands. This is his choice not yours. If you love and trust your husband then I wouldn’t worry because he will not let his brother ruin your day and will take care of anything that might arise.

What a naive post. Most weddings feature a Best Man’s speech- it’s not unreasonable to have concerns about giving someone who is so unpredictable a platform to ruin a very personal, family event.

DH’s brother sounds like a toned-down version of OP’s BIL. When we were planning our wedding DH never even contemplated asking him to be best man, as he knew there was a very, very good chance of BIL using the Best Man speech to embarrass him (and us).

SkaneTos · 22/12/2023 09:31

I would not worry so much about the wedding day.
You are already married to your husband, and his brother will be your brother-in-law for the rest of your life.

Pollyannamex · 22/12/2023 09:32

I disagree with others and you should 100% have a say in this person being in your wedding party. your husband really needs to listen to your concerns because this guy sounds unhinged.

KateyCuckoo · 22/12/2023 09:32

Ridiculous. Does everyone know you're already married? Why are you doing a fake one?

Having a party reception I can just about understand but the fake ceremony is just weird.