Don’t want DH brother to be best man

[Treehogger]

My husband and I are officially married however we have our wedding ceremony and party itself in a few months. My husband has asked his closet in age brother (he has 3 brothers) to be his best man. He wouldn’t be as close to the brother he’s asked as the other two because he lives in a different country.

from I’ve known DH I’ve maybe met his brother about 5 times and the common ‘joke’ among the family is that the brother is completely unpredictable, especially when drinking alcohol. Everytime I’ve met him I’ve felt uncomfortable around him because he’s loud and obnoxious and has had episodes were he has fought and psychotically kicked off. To give you an idea of what it’s like, my husband’s other brother begged their mum to convince this brother not to go on his stag do because he was afraid of him kicking off and being an embarrassment.

his girlfriend left him about a year ago and since that he’s been like the Tazmanian Devil! Drunk all the time, losing his job, fighting, drugs, going onto social media with long stupid rants and just making an absolute show of himself, putting disgusting rants into group chats to the point where people have left groupchats. He’s incredibly selfish and I do honestly think he has some type of personality disorder.

husband and I got into an argument this morning because his brother was posting some incredibly horrific and embarrassing stuff on social media during the night. I text my husband on his way to work basically saying wtf and it turned into an argument where husband has said it’ll be fine and just trust him regarding his brother and I snapped saying I don’t want him to be best man and told him every single member of his family have asked why the hell he’s best man because he’s just a bomb that could explode at any time. He’s already got his goat up that he’s ‘censored’ because I come from a more middle/upper class family and I’m afraid that’ll fuel him.

aibu that I don’t want this man to be best man and I don’t want to spend my whole wedding day worried about the speech??

You sound a bit of a bridezilla.

No, she absolutely does not @MintJulia . This BIL sounds like a liability.
@Treehogger unfortunately, there is nothing you can do. Are there going to be people there who can step up and remove him from the proceddings if he steps out of line?

All you can do is gird your loins, expect the worst and hope for the best.

Gosh this took me back! My ex fiancé’s intended best man was a nightmare and I was really worried about him messing up the wedding. As it happened I found out my fiancé was cheating and the wedding was called off. He married the woman he was cheating with - and had the nightmare best man. Someone showed me a video of the speech. He insulted the vicar and the bride’s mother (trying to be funny but really wasn’t!) and was half drunk. The best man and my ex had a massive row over it. I was just so glad it wasn’t my wedding! (I laughed so much and they all deserved it!)

This is exactly what my husband said. He said he can control him better at the top table rather than on the floor which I get. I just wish he hadve said to be a groomsman instead so he’s top table but non speaking. Husband said he’ll ask his other brother to write the speech. I’m just afraid of best man going rogue because of being offended the speech is being written for him and he’s already referred to being ‘censored’. At the last wedding he got so drunk he had to be carried out at 9pm and to say everyone was absolutely relieved he was gone is an understatement.

It sound a like he knows everyone thinks he's an idiot so he has. I thing to lose by carrying on acting badly.

Have you tried getting to know him and attempting to befriend him? If he's got all older brothers would he respond to some big sister type of friendship that might make him feel respect for you and not want to cause a stir at the wedding?

It's your DHs choice (as bridesmaids are traditionally yours), but I'd ask your DH why he trusts him when BIL has consistently shown he's off the rails? Does he hope BIL will use the opportunity to step up and prove he can behave more soberly, or was your DH pressured into the choice by family? What role is the BIL expected to fulfil if you're already married? Are you having a party or the full duplicate wedding where he's looking after the rings? If he's been asked to give a best man speech that would be a hard no from me! Has your DH got a couple of friends (bouncers) who can take him somewhere to calm down/sober up if necessary if BIL kicks off? What's your DHs plan B?

Exactly @FirstFallopians your husband didn’t want the day ruined so didn’t ask him. My point, not naive as you so pleasantly phrased it, is that surely she can trust her husband to choose the right thing to do. As a grown adult I trust my husband to make his own choices and deal with any that don’t live up to his expectations. If the OP’s husband wants to include his brother in this role that’s his choice and he’ll surely be mature enough to manage the fall out. Fucks sake. It’s not like it’s a surprise if he starts to go rogue and it won’t ruin the wedding. It’ll just be a knob behaving badly.

Don't get the posters saying it's none of OPs business if this man will potentially ruin her wedding..!

OP you'll have to ask your DH to have an ironclad contingency plan to eject BIL from the wedding - by physical force if necessary - the minute he shows signs of drunkenness/starts acting up.

Sounds like your DH wants to give him a chance, maybe he's not ready to write him off yet. Maybe he needs to see if his brother will pull it out of the bag for him.
Tricky one as he does sound like a liability.
I think you need to let your DH make this choice... but have a plan of people who understand and can pull him out and eject him if he makes a scene.

Yes that’ll fuel him alright.
Not sure what you can do about it though. You could share your concerns with DH but it is ultimately his decision. Maybe the best you can hope for is a stern word about behaviour and request nothing inappropriate. Or ask could you or DH have sight of the speech in advance although I don’t know how that’ll be received.

On the positive side you can hopefully take this as a sign your husband has no shady things from the past to hide as BIL clearly wouldn’t be holding back so would be an odd choice if there was any dirt to dish.

I was going to say, 'don't marry this man', but then I re-read and realised you already have. Whoops.

Your DH is being totally unreasonable. I can't see this going well at all. Can DH get all the men in the party to agree to physically wrangle him out of the venue when he starts his meltdown? Maybe they can remove him when he starts so there's minimal disruption. That's the only solution I can see besides hiring security to handle it!