Tantrums, prepare me? Are they as bad as I’m told?

[Tandetantrun]

I’m a bit stressed about this. My brother has a 2 year old and SIL doesn’t cope well with tantrums. She says sometimes it takes 30 mins to get a nappy on etc, or they have to leave a shop as he will suddenly have a tantrum. I dont seen them massively often but I have always thought my nephew was quite calm and have only seen him cry on the odd occasion.

But, I’m a single parent and ds is now 15 months. He’s very strong and I’m not particularly strong. His dad sees him every week or so and basically it’s me doing the parenting. Im so scared about the tantrums, how will I manage these? SIL doesn’t work but if ds didn’t get his nappy on for half an hour I would be late for work etc. Are tantrums really bad? How do you manage them?

Tantrums are just communication! Kiddos don't have the language to explain and to them everything is so much more because they're learning all of the time. Figure out what they need/want and you can usually stop any tantrums in their tracks!

I think we had, 3 tantrums per child when they were about 2? And that was it. Now they sulk.

They weren't that bad.

If it's a nappy, you have to pin them down and do it, it's not easy but certainly easier than battling for 30 minutes.

In a supermarket and they start? Under one arm and out you.

Never give an inch when they're having a tantrum. It prolongs it and makes them do it more.

Also, where possible divert before.

So getting dressed "right let's change your nappy and then would you like to wear your blue top or red top" kinda thing.

I find it helps to tell myself 'it's just noise, nothing's seriously wrong'. That calms me down and I can deal with the situation more logically. Also when in public focus on your child and yourself and don't even consider what other people (probably aren't actually) thinking! It's a totally normal part of development, and I'd be worried if they never had a tantrum. As pp said it's their way of communicating when they don't have the words. Sometimes you just have to calmly carry on doing what needs to be done, gently but firmly putting the nappy on for example of needed. That's my experience as a single mum of 3, one in the tantrum phase and one yet to reach it! You've got this.

Mine is 27 months old and has never had a tantrum. Sometimes there's a lot of silliness during nappy changes or he'll have a bit of a fuss about something. But no tantrums. Not all children do. And if he does start, it's a fairly normal part of child development. Read up on some strategies to deal with them and see which you think suits your parenting style- then you'll feel equipped if there are ever any tantrums.

Depends on the child. They can be really bad if they happen frequently for every little thing as you get worn down but you do get better at dealing with them!

Mine had never had a tantrum at 27 months either. I couldn't understand why they called it the terrible twos. Then she turned 3...🤣

Mine never had a tantrum.

Neither of mine ever had them its not inevitable.

this although dd1 probably had a bit more than 3. my approach is probably seen as dreconian as mine are adults but trying to reason with a 2 year old is like shovelling snow when its snowing. sometimes they just have to do stuff or not cause hohas in shops!

I think people use the word “tantrum” to describe different things. Sometimes it’s any child shouting and refusing to do something, to me a tantrum is more of a full on meltdown. My older one has maybe had 2-3 full on meltdowns.

Best option is to see them coming and steer away from them. E.g. my first once saw a lorry toy in a shop and clearly convinced himself he could have it, so when I said no he lost all control and I had to carry him out kicking and screaming. Since then, I’ll brief him before going in shops: “we’re not buying anything today” or “we are just buying food for dinner” and it’s never happened again. Taking a photo of something they want is also a good tactic.

Some parents get weirdly passive and useless when their kid even mildly kicks off. Sounds like your sister might be one of them. Kids need loving, reasonably but firmly held boundaries.

Depends very much on the child. Ds didn't really have tantrums as a toddler, but he was easy to divert, so if he started to bubble I'd mention something else and generally he'd calm.
You know your child best and be able to read them fairly well, I'd say you could probably see a few tantrums coming and be able to divert them, as pp said "let's get your nappy on and what colour top would you like to wear, red or blue?"

Although there was one memorable time I carried him out of tesco by his waistband because he wasn't happy he couldn't have a bottle of wine (I was getting a bottle for a friend and he wanted one too and he wasn't to be reasoned with) but before we'd even left the shop he was laughing and shouting that he was flying, got a few giggles from other shoppers.

My 2.5 year old has started having a lot and it can be quite tough.
Nappies - I give her lots of warning that we'll do it and if she then kicks off I just start doing it, she usually calms down.
Shops - she's pretty good but if she kicks off then I just take her out.

She gets a lot of tantrums when she's tired but she's trying to drop her last nap so it's exhausting.
The hardest thing is trying to stay calm yourself as it's quite overwhelming.

There's an Instagram page called Big Little Feelings which is great for advice.

A lot of time I let DD go through the tantrum rather than stopping it because they're just frustrated and can't fully understand/explain why. When she's calmed down I try and talk about it with her.
I've got a 12 month old aswell and some days are worse than others.

We had one in the kitchen once when he was two. My son is a sulky one instead now at three which is frustrating in its own unique way 😂 As others have said tantrums aren't inevitable. Your child might not have them :)

Mine had never had a tantrum at 27 months either. I couldn't understand why they called it the terrible twos. Then she turned 3...🤣

Just in time for them getting a lot stronger. 🙄 I can't wait 😱😑

It's all about managing the environment. Don't expect more of your toddler than they are capable of (whilst gently challenging them to progress) have a consistent routine and boundaries so they know what to expect from life. Lots of positive attention. Minimal negative, avoid big punishments you can't stick to. Be consistent with discipline and follow through. Try not to shout. Role model the behaviour you want. Deal with each tantrum in its own merit rather than simultaneously being stressed by the many previous ones.

So you gave the example of 30min to get a nappy on. I would distract/make it fun find something that works. Do it as quickly as possible don't make a big deal out of it. Lots of positive attention after. And also accept the situation. A lot of adult frustration comes from feeling overwhelmed and like what's happening shouldn't be happening. It is happening manage it, look for ways to avoid it happening again.

Depends on the child. I have twins, one rarely if ever has them, the other has them a lot. 3 was worse than 2 for him! My advice would be read ‘how to talk so little kids can listen’ - helps break down what’s actually happening and how best to deal with it. I recommend that book to everyone these days.

It depends on the child. DD1 had some horrific tantrums. DD2 were no where near as bad. Make sure you leave plenty of time so they’re not rushed and so you have time to deal with a tantrum.

Make sure you have snacks, many tantrums are caused by being hangry.

She says sometimes it takes 30 mins to get a nappy on

She sounds a bit wet tbh. Or she's massively exaggerating.

I had one who would have the most horrific tantrums/meltdowns and they were often multiple time a day. They started around a year and lasted years.
My other two had the occasional tantrum but they never lasted long and they never had the same intensity.

Tbf we don't know what she's dealing with. My dc2 would have toddler tantrums so extreme that you couldn't touch him or go anywhere near him for about half an hour afterwards or he would kick off again and probably tried to bite you. He was such a smiley, happy little boy the rest of the time though! Now he's older we've realised he's very, very sensitive to sensory input, so that's probably why he was like that.

DC1 was an absolute dream though. Minimal tantrums and quickly resolved.

They're all different and you adapt your approach to the child you have.

Never give in. If you say something, mean it.

As soon as you give in, you’re fucked. Because the kid knows that all they have to do then is scream and tantrum louder and louder to get what they want.

Giving in doesn’t make for an easier life, it makes things harder long term and increases the number of tantrums.

Nanny Amies has lots of great advice on tantrums and tantrum fuel.

All kids are different. My DS never really tantrummed. Yours might not!

@Tandetantrun we only ever had a couple with both of mine. And they weren't mega tantrums! Your child is not the same as your niece/nephew and you are not the same parent as your SIL. You might never even experience one!

Neither of mine ever really had tantrums, they were pretty easy going until they got to 5/6 and discovered sulking 😂Terrible twos aren't a given.

Mine is almost 4 and the longest tantrum we've had is probably 2 mins. Never had one in public

And to be fair she hasn't had a 'real' one yet. I think it's because we talk to her and listen. She's out of nappies now but the only time she complained was when we just tried to change her without saying anything - she expected us to communicate and tell her what we wanted to do which is fair enough