Tantrums, prepare me? Are they as bad as I’m told?

[Tandetantrun]

I’m a bit stressed about this. My brother has a 2 year old and SIL doesn’t cope well with tantrums. She says sometimes it takes 30 mins to get a nappy on etc, or they have to leave a shop as he will suddenly have a tantrum. I dont seen them massively often but I have always thought my nephew was quite calm and have only seen him cry on the odd occasion.

But, I’m a single parent and ds is now 15 months. He’s very strong and I’m not particularly strong. His dad sees him every week or so and basically it’s me doing the parenting. Im so scared about the tantrums, how will I manage these? SIL doesn’t work but if ds didn’t get his nappy on for half an hour I would be late for work etc. Are tantrums really bad? How do you manage them?

I didn't find them that bad, certainly not as bad as I was expecting. I remember a really had one about leaving the park but that was because I'd messed up timings and was really late for a nap.

My advice is be mindful of nap and sleep times and try and avoid doing things they hate at times they are going to be naturally grouchy.

Give choices, so 'after we've changed your nappy do you want to do some colouring or duplo'

Read and talk a lot to them, the more they understand and the more they can talk, the less frustrated they become

Use humour and fun, they don't want to walk somewhere, make it a race or see if you can jump. They don't want to eat, make a face out of their food and have a competition about who can eat most of it. They don't want to put their socks on, make a sock puppet out of them who is trying to eat their toes.

Sometimes you just need to wait it our, mine sometimes didn't want to get in the car seat, but waiting in the car doing nothing is very boring and they eventually decided it was better to go somewhere

I find it a lot harder now they're older (primary school) and are capable of moaning and sulking

Be wary of the advice on here that if you listen to your children they won't tantrum! You can be a bloody great parent and get a tantrumming child - it's not your fault and children are wired differently. Hence people saying one child tantrummed, their other child didn't - nothing to do with the parenting and zero parent awards for the people who got lucky!

Also OP putting a nappy on only takes 30 minutes if you have time for it to take that long.

If you absolutely have to be somewhere you pin them down and put their nappy on whilst they scream. It’s unpleasant for everyone but needs must. Next time to wake up earlier to allow more time in the morning or give them more warning/choices about something to do with the nappy and it goes better.

Some children don’t really tantrum. I had one who liked the odd tantrum from age 2-3 and one who had one tantrum and that was it.

Just to add - partly luck and partly how you deal with them. Don’t fear them because it will happen at least once. Just go with the flow.

I found that lots of communication, even if they don't understand helped prepare the groundwork and divert any potential tantrums.

For example a prime kick off would always be leaving somewhere fun like soft play or something so I'd give 15, 10 and 5 minute warnings (even though they don't understand time) to help them know we are leaving this place soon. I'd see so many kids upset leaving as they weren't ready to go.

In a supermarket I'd chatter to them all the way round, I may have looked mental but it was a good distraction technique.
Getting dressed, I'd offer low key choices like yellow or blue socks. They were still getting dressed but felt they some autonomy.

A lot of it is down to tiredness/ hunger/ frustration and getting to the heart of it is tough. My DN has big tantrums and BIL and SIL usually give in for an easy life as they are understandably exhausted by it but I think it's also creating a habit where he knows he can create and get his own way. Unfortunately that doesn't work with me, mean aunt. I do distraction when he is here and it does work.

They're ok if you can keep your cool, and your sense of humour (easier said than done).

Two memorable examples are my DH who was then the stay-at-home-parent striding across the green with a screaming toddler strapped under his arm after being told that no, we will not be buying the Super Soaker watergun that is bigger than you. A startled passerby eyed off my DH like he was a kidnapper and DH cheerfully said "please do call the cops, I'm hoping they'll take him away. Don't suppose you have a wee dram on you?" Startled passerby ended up being one of our regular family playdates.

When I was in the supermarket and DS had a (quite rare) throwdown. Eventually I threw myself right down beside him on the floor of Aisle 4 and had a good old shriek too. He was so surprised he started laughing.... I got several disapproving looks but one or two chuckles as well.

Everyone understands, you see. They even understand when they're woken early by the howls of a child who has their mother's feet pressed on their chest while a new nappy is wrangled into place.

And I keep my fingers crossed that you have one of those kids who sail right through with zero tantrums. They do exist!

You'll be fine honestly. I bloody love tantrums.

The trick is to learn about them, get a decent perspective on them, then welcome them with a game plan so you feel in control.

Tantrums are a natural part of your child's growing maturity, they're learning how to manage and cope with very intense emotions in the best way they know, with the skills and experience they have. They're not doing it to be 'bad' or 'naughty', and they're not giving you a hard time. They're having a hard time. Tantrums are when they need you the most. Letting your calmness be contagious and maintaining a loving and accepting approach is the best way to defuse them. Shouting at them, getting arsey back, just adds a lot of fuel to the fire.

When it comes to toddler behaviour the ingredients are: validation, and boundaries. Not shaming them, or folding like a deck of cards, or making empty threats to frighten them into submission. Example... it's time to leave the park. They don't want to. You give them a two minute warning. When it's time to leave, you leave. They might be upset, they might flail, they might not walk out calmly, but you leave, even if you have to carry them out. Next time, they realise you mean what you say, and over time they start to accept the inevitable next step which is that what mum/dad says is going to happen happens.

Even when toddlers think they want something, if it's something you've said isn't happening and then you give in it freaks them out. They might enjoy that extra biscuit but their little brains are panicking 'wait... what? Is this parent not in control? Am I not safe/secure?'. The odd flex is fine but when parents let their child have whatever they want as long as they kick off enough every time that's when things start to get really tough because they now call the shots and you're beholden to them which isn't pleasant or practical.

Decide on your non-negotiables and stick to them. For me, hygiene and health was non-negotiable. If a nappy needed changing, it was being changed, regardless of how big the tantrum was. Same with leaving the shop. The approach 'I know you're upset sweetpea, I know you're sad. We're doing this thing. I'm here for you, I love you' is honestly the key. Don't give in, don't show weakness, just love them through it and try to think the best of them even when they're being a handful.

It's a positive thing when they do tantrum anyway. It means that they feel safe and comfortable to express their emotions.

I had this conversation with an older relative a while back, who was crowing about how in their day there was none of this 'feelings' nonsense and letting kids 'rule the roost'. They said that when they were a child they wouldn't have dreamed of having a tantrum, or getting upset about a decision made, or talking back. And I asked why, and they said because they were scared if they did, they'd get hit.

The penny dropped. So many older adults have grown up repressed and unable to deal with their emotions in a health way, instead suppressing them and trying to make them go away with varying degrees of success.

A child who doesn't tantrum isn't a child that has magically leapfrogged the key developmental phase of a toddler learning who they are, that they're their own person, testing boundaries, experimenting with their relationships, learning cause and effect, learning to process big feelings. They're often a child that has learned there's no point expressing emotion, it isn't listened to. Or if they're 'too much', they will be abandoned. The one in a thousand kid that is magically super zen does exist, but again, not always a positive thing. You want a child to feel like their wishes and wants and needs matter, and tantrums are a natural response to a toddler feeling like their wishes (which can feel like needs to them!) are being ignored.

One of mine used to have them often, one occasionally and the other much later. The first one was a classic and often got left in shops, told off regularly and just went home. Can try bribery, star charts etc. Usually combination of tiredness, hunger and stubbornness. Pick your battles.

This is awful advice. Please don’t leave (or pretend to leave) your child in a shop just because they’re having a tantrum All you’re teaching them there is that if they don’t behave as you want them to you’ll abandon them.

Also stay away from bribery and star charts too. Bribery perpetuates a cycle of bad behaviour, and with star charts you’re using external motivation; it’s important to teach your child intrinsic motivation as this will help them through later life.

Not all kids have tantrums, so don’t fret about something that might not happen. So much depends on the child themselves, but also how you engage - communicate, explain how the world around them works, and what’s happening when & why. I find some of the tips in this little book about tantrums and the power of distraction & clear communication useful reminders
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Everday-Expertise-Building-Everyday-Children-ebook/dp/B0CPD31YFK/

There are some strange posts on this thread.

I have four children, and work at a playgroup. A community project so two year olds.

It's entirely normal, frustrating if you are in a rush or the first one in public but other than that, not a big deal.

Even the children who don't have tantrums, have them at playgroup. It's not something we would even bat an eyelid at.

Nappy needs changed, just change it.

Car seat can be a big one.

Sharing

It can be awful at times.

Look up cutted up pear thread. There is no reason sometimes.

My youngest is by far the worst. My goodness she can scream. But it's a reflection on me, for example school run, she knows I'm rushing, she knows I'm dressing another three, that's her key moment.

So I switched her slightly. Get her up first, she is ready first, then she can have a nap later.

Just learning to look for the signals and avoid those situations where possible. The rest, totally normal,

One of mine never had a single tantrum, the other was a tantrum expert. It might happen, it might not. You'll deal with it if it does though, you have no choice so you find a way.

Really depends on the child. My DD has only ever had 1 public tantrum when she was 2 (she's 4 now). Has had a fair few at home but I've found the biggest diffuser is to distract her with something else.

Yeah. It's not fun.

Mine are autistic and I don't have any experience with NT toddlers so it may be you have to handle things differently but imo the number 1 rule is you have to stay calm. If you let yourself get wound up then it just makes things worse.

Don't try to reason with them or bargain with them mid tantrum. Let them get on with it and be there with love and reassurance when they calm down. Perfect your side pin. It comes in handy for carrying a screaming toddler out of a shop.

Keep a sense of humour. It helps.

I don’t mind the tantrums, I’m very calm. I find the on-the-edge, might all go bad any moment behaviour harder because you’re trying hard to keep it all going smoothly.

Once a tantrum arrives, you know where you stand and how to behave with them is more clear cut.

Either way - you get on with it and get through it, like all phases.

This. It’s not a big problem if you establish boundaries and crack on with what you need to do. I was a gentle parent in that I co slept, breastfed on demand, never left them to cry. But I also had to get to work on time so when it was time to get dressed, it was time to get dressed and I had no time for faffing. One of my kids was harder work than the other but both learnt pretty early to cooperate within the system we needed to survive and I don’t have bad memories of it really

At home, they were easy because they were due to frustration, tiredness, being peopled out, that kind of thing, so I would find it easy to say 'OK, I'm going to sit here/etc and you can come and tell me when you're ready for a cuddle/I think that you might need a little time to chill out and then come to me for a cuddle'. Turned out that she was diagnosed AuDHD, so a lot of it would be overloading.

Outside, though, that required reins. Her legs would go out from under her and she'd become an immovable object - well, that immovable object became a rather angry handbag from tucking my hand underneath the back strap, rather than an immovable object in the middle of the road as a car came speeding along.

Op you're worrying about a problem that you don't currently have. As and when you do have it, you'll find a solution.

Some kinds have lots of tantrums, some barely any, some can easily be cajoled out of them, others are much harder. Just work it out when you know what you're dealing with.

Reading books should help and using whatever time you have to yourself to relax a bit. Much harder to deal with a tantrum when you're on a short fuse yourself.

Dd had big massive tantrums but rarely, they'd go on for ages and it was very hard to get her out of one. Leaving the room briefly, starting a different activity or reading a book, the odd chocolate bribe used to work. Ds had them more often but could usually be brought out quickly by pulling a funny face or something.

I have a 2-year-old. It has NEVER taken me 30 minutes to get a diaper on him. 30 seconds if he REALLY fights it. He has tantrums sometimes, yes, but nothing like that.

My tantrum-strategy is to offer him a hug instead of whatever he wants. It works. He doesn't get his way by screaming, but it calms his nervous system and teaches him that negative feelings can be managed. And he knows I love him, even when he is really angry and frustrated. It's also a relief for me. It's something I can do that involves neither giving in nor yelling at him.

Two of mine never tantrummed. Well, the middle one actually maybe twice in her whole life? My youngest, bless her saintly little gentle heart, was a sunny angel of absolute delight and never tantrummed once in her whole life. My son...dear God. My son. Nothing comes close to describing the tantrums that child had. I honestly think most of it comes down to the child, with some parts to do with how the parent helps the child cope. In general though as a child carer in nurseries as well as a mother etc, horrific tantrums like my demon child were rare in other kids (he's 10 now and just the sweetest boy ever, just very intense! No tantrums for many years).

This is very well put.

Start to teach signing now, baby's can sign from 6 months it massively reduces frustration and tantrums because they can communicate with you.

Be aware of how you communicate, give positive and concise instructions followed with a 'thank you' as you expect them to follow your instruction not 'please' which suggests a choice and avoid 'No....' and 'dont.....' as it doesn't work. "Please stop jumping on the sofa" becomes " bum on sofa and feet on the floor, thank you'

Give clear boundaries and instructions so before going into a shop stand outside and get to their level and tell them you are going into the shop to do X, Y, Z. If they see something they like you can take a picture of it for birthday/Christmas . And then distract with 'I spy...' or similar games whilst shopping.

DD didn't massively tantrum although had a phase when she refused to go in her pushchair and I didn't drive so she really had to and would arch her back and make it really difficult. And then a stage around two where she refused to lay down for a nappy change but once I mastered doing it with her stood up all was good.

Turns out she's autistic so her dislike of the buggy may well be her dislike of change and transitions as a teen she likes plenty of notice.